Would someone living 150 years ago say that our health care is lousy?
24 FOR REAL
Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama making up rules as they go are like a couple of terrorists on 24 rushing to set off a bomb that will irradiate the constitution and the economy and the American people are like Jack Bauer frantically trying to get to their congressman to stop them.
WHO IS ST. PADDY?
St. Patrick was not the inventor of green beer or green plastic derby hats.
St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland. He was born in Wales and lived AD 387 - AD 461. When he was sixteen he was captured by Irish raiders and turned into an Irish slave. He escaped after about six years and went home, but returned to Ireland as a missionary after joining the priesthood.
The legend is that St. Patrick chased all of the snakes out of Ireland. Killjoy scientists always ready to ruin a legend say that glaciers from the Ice Age killed all of the snakes.
WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST IN VASELINE?
On my other website FreeEnterpriseland.com there has a been a sudden uptick in interest in the story of the beginnings of VASELINE .
I pondered and pondered and then it hit me. People will need a lot of it when and while they pass Obamacare.
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
There, I quoted Shakespeare- JULIUS CAESAR Act I Scene II.
Julius Caesar was assassinated by senators with daggers on the Ides of March, 2052 years ago. "Et tu Brute?"
The ides of the month in the Roman Calendar fell on the 15th of March, May, July and October. The ides fell on the 13th every other month.
A NEW MOTTO FOR NEW JERSEY
New York banned trans-fats and now they want to outlaw all use of salt in cooking. How can a chef cook without salt? What is hot dog without salt?
How can you bake bread without salt? How can you operate a deli, the home of cured meat and brined pickles?
This would give New Jersey, where they deep-fry hot dogs, a great economic opportunity.
COME TO NEW JERSEY WHERE YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT
I LIVE IN A CLOSET FOR THIS?
Mayor Bloomberg is doing his best to run everyone out of New York City. New Yorkers and businesses are fleeing from rapidly rising taxes. The second reason to live in NYC is eating. It is almost a sport there. He banned tasty trans-fats. Now, the food police are after salt. A chef without his salt to sprinkle is like a baseball pitcher with no hands. If you have ever watched TOP CHEF or FOOD NETWORK, you would have noticed chefs are practically insane over their salt and freshly ground pepper.
The oft putdown New Jersey suddenly doesn't look so bad.
PRESIDENT SCHOOLTEACH
President Obama runs his presidency like he is still a college professor because that is the only experience that he has for running anything.
He keeps giving deadlines for when he wants a bill sitting on his desk like he is giving out homework assignments.
He has summits then breaks them up in discussion groups to come back and share with the class.
He is arrogant and believes he is the greatest person to ever walk the earth just like most college professors.
He likes to speak before an admiring crowd with young women sitting there having fantasies about him, perhaps fainting.
The bell rang five minutes ago and he won't shut up.
Wants to throw anyone that disagrees with him out of his class and send them to detention.
Got elected because he seemed like the cool teacher running against your mother's strident friend who was always at your house at a women's cause meeting and the old coot who always told you old army days stories.
DID YOU HAVE A DATE FOR 3.14159265 DAY? NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE THAT CELEBRATES IT.
Math geeks around the world were in a tizzie over Pi day - March 14th or 3.14. Pi is the constant number used to calculate the area or circumference of a circle. It starts with 3.14159265 and continues to an infinite number of decimal places. Pi maniacs compete to see who can learn the longest string. A Japanese mental health counselor holds the world record by reciting Pi to the 100,000th decimal place. Someone should examine his head.
Coincidentally, it was also Albert Einstein's birthday.
SPRING FORWARD FALL BACK
Daylight Savings Time started this weekend. Turn your clocks ahead one hour or the church ladies will look askance as you are walking in as church is letting out.
Daylight Savings Time was not invented by Benjamin Franklin although he satirically proposed setting off cannons in the summer so people wouldn't sleep during the extra morning sunlight. It was invented in 1895 by New Zealander George V Hudson and pushed to be adopted by William Willet who wanted an extra hour in the evening to play golf.
Many farmers are against it because the extra hour of daylight tends to burn their crops up. Arizona doesn't have it because they don't need to be any hotter in the summer.
Before 1883, every town had their own time. Time zones were invented so the railroads could standardize their schedules. There was no need to standardize it for communication, yet.
WHY WE ARE UP S@#! CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE IN A CHICKEN WIRE CANOE
"WE HAVE TO PASS THE BILL SO THAT YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT IS IN IT"
Nancy Pelosi,
the most irresponsible person in Washington
You can back out of a contract a shady door to door salesman fast talks you into signing within 3 days. It's a federal law. Wish it was true for congress.
WHO ATE THE GABBAGOOL?
THE SOPRANOS has been off for nearly three years. I am amazed at how many visitors still stop by to look at my picture of Tony Soprano's favorite cold cut
Representative Eric Massa has resigned from congress claiming he was targeted for voting no against President Obama's legislation. He also said he was cursed out by chief of staff Rahm Emanuel on the phone and confronted by him bare butt naked in the House gym shower. Emanuel chastised him poking Massa in the chest with his finger and not bothering to wear a towel.
Who would do such a thing? Is this his standard technique? Is Emanuel that intimidatingly hung? If he was tiny everyone would be too busy laughing. Is Smilin' Bob his hero and he wants to show off his EXTENZ results. Or, does he have a prosthetic device ever ready like Mark Wahlberg wore playing a porn star in BOOGIE NIGHTS to cover up his shortcomings?
EVERYBODY'S GOT A CRAZY AUNT THEY KEEP IN THE BASEMENT
--Ross Perot, during 1992 Presidential debate
I got something in the mail, I'm sure you did too, from the Census, so I slit it open to see what obtrusive questions they were asking. Of course, it just said they were sending the form next week. It was sent presorted first class mail with the permit number in the stamp box. Presorted automated first class mail cost 33.5 cents. Multiplied by 100 million homes equals $33.5 million. $33.5 million plus the cost of the envelope and letter to tell me what the census form could tell me when it showed up.
Was this a shovel-ready job? Stimulus money well spent. How many USPS employees did it keep from getting canned and going postal?
UPDATE Official cost- $330 MILLION. Now, how does the letter and envelope add $300 MILLION to the price? Somebody has got their hand in the cookie jar.
Speaking of obtrusive questions.
The 1825 census asked:
How many lunatics live in your house?
I was researching my ancestry and I found this quote about my great great great grandfather Irish Billy's brother: "Moses had taken to whiskey." One day while working in the fields, his brothers sent Moses to the brewery to buy a jug of whiskey. He never came home. They found Moses dead by the side of the road. They said "he must have been overcome by the heat." The jug of whiskey beside him was half empty.
SO YOU WANT TO OWN A RESTAURANT
Everyone secretly wants to own a restaurant. There is one requirement that no one ever tells you about. According to chef Bryan Casswell, restaurant owners get to bail their cooks out of jail.
I guess as well as needing a good accountant and a good attorney, a restaurant owner needs to have a good bail bondsman.
GETTING PAID TO WATCH TV
Allen never misses the Academy Awards show on television, but not because he is a super fan. He never misses because he makes millions of dollars from watching.
Credit Card laws changed this week.
Credit card companies have been slashing credit limits, and getting rid of fixed interest rates. Credit bureaus now lower your credit score if you use your card at a dollar store or pay utility bills with a credit card online because they sense you are going broke.
There is really no reason to use credit cards when you can do the same thing with a debit card. If you can't break the addiction and you love paying interest, why not be your own credit card company and profit from your impulsiveness?
First, save some money and open up a separate bank account that comes with a Visa or Mastercard debit card. When you want to buy something, use that debit card. Charge yourself 25% - 30% interest and if you are late with payments whack yourself with $35 late fees.
Or, you can pretend to be Tony Soprano and become your shylock. If you need money you have to pay the vig (or juice). If you are late with a payment, send your goons around to break some stuff and threaten you. The vig will keep running.
Soon, you will be rich and the only thumb you'll be under is yours.
MORE LIKELY TO SEE ONE THAN AN OBAMA CREATED JOB
54% of Icelanders believe in elves. 90% of Icelanders "take notice" of hidden people- elves, gnomes, faeries and trolls. They believe that there are 7,000 to 20,000 hidden people inhabiting Iceland.
If you can't find your keys, one of those rascals probably hid them in the woods.
PEOPLE BELIEVE THE DAMNDEST THINGS
According to the Monday Morning Memo, Author James Michener gave author William Lederer advice that changed his life:
"the public is more willing to believe fiction than non-fiction."
Our bodies contain approximately 100 million sensory receptors that allow us to see, hear, taste, touch and smell physical reality. But the brain contains 10 thousand billion synapses. This means we're roughly 100,000 times better equipped to experience a world that does not exist, than a world that does.
William changed his book with names of real people and countries to fictional characters and countries. His book went on to sell 3 million copies.
Now we know why- if you tell a lie that is big enough and often enough, people will believe it.
I'M NOT LISTENING
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
It is going to take a lot to make some people (like Al Gore) believe that man-made global warming theory is unraveling,
We all like to think that we have made a good decision or what we believe is absolutely right. What we sometimes do is to cherry pick information that supports our decision or belief, ignoring anything that suggests we might be wrong.
I was reading Rabbi Daniel Lapin's newsletter. I am not Jewish, but I read it because he has very wise things to say. Rabbi Lapin gives an example:
"Before buying a new car, most people scrutinize all car ads, seeking out lots of available information on the wide range of choices. But after they have made their purchase they only read advertisements about the brand of car they have bought. The last thing the new owner wants to find out is that he might have bought a better car at a lower price. Once the decision has been made, we tend to avoid information that suggests we might have made a mistake.
We protect our self esteem by welcoming information that supports our actions and avoiding that which makes us uncomfortable. That is why smokers rarely read medical articles about the health risks of smoking."
WILT'S 2nd BIGGEST DAY
On March, 2,1962, Wilt "the stilt" Chamberlain scored 100 points in a NBA basketball game played in Hershey, PA. A sports record that is unlikely to ever be broken. There is no video record of the game. Most of the sportswriters didn't show up. Over half the people who witnessed the game are now dead. Most of the rest who claimed to have been there are lying.
Wilt must have had a least one day more productive on his way to achieving his record of making love to 20,000 women.
The approval of Congress has fallen to 10%. This means that only they approve of themselves and so do their mothers. I have been cogitating on how to cleanup the cesspool in Washington, DC.
Anyone in Congress who has been there over 18 years is out and immediately removed from office.
They are
banned from city limits for 5 years and outlawed from 500 yards of capitol for ten years, so they can't come back and get rich lobbying their buddies.
Any staffer there over 18 years is out, too.
Revoke all congressional pensions.
Confiscate all extra campaign funds and apply it to the debt until budget is balanced.
Only allow lobbyists to speak to congressmen in a special room.
They would be in glass partitions and talk over phones like in a prison visiting room. Every conversation would be monitored and recorded. After 5 minutes, a curtain drops and the phone goes dead.
Anyone accepting anything from a lobbyist is immediately kicked out of congress even if it just a pen or a calendar of semi-nude models.
Anyone leaving congress with more money than they came with has all of the excess confiscated.
WHY DOES YOUR BOSS
PAY FOR HEALTH INSURANCE?
Employer paid health insurance is a by-product of the government passing a law and smart people figuring away around it. During World War II, the government imposed wage and price controls. That meant companies couldn't give raises to attract workers, so they offered health benefits. Then, Uncle Sam decided that neither employers nor employees had to pay payroll taxes on the money spent on a health benefit. It became a permanent employee expectation. Companies had to offer it if they wanted to hire or keep good employees. If you work in a job where it doesn't matter if you stay or will likely no longer show up without a word, they don't.
HOW DO YA LIKE ME NEW CHOPPERS
At the Obamacare Summit, each Democrat had a sob story about someone having extreme health problems and inadequate health insurance. These heart-tuggers were off the topic as these catastrophes are separate from taking care of general health maintenance. The highlight was the New York congresswoman who spoke of the woman who out of desperation was wearing her recently dead uninsured sister's false teeth.
Dentures during the Civil War were made from extracted teeth from dead soldiers. Teeth were shipped by the barrelful to England.
RESULTS FROM THE OBAMACARE SUMMIT
HEALTH CARE WAS CHEAP WHEN THEY COULDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU
Health care was cheap when they couldn't do anything for you. You didn't cost much after you dropped dead. Now, they can do so much for you- life saving surgeries, scanning machines, medicine for chronic disease, replacement parts, etc., we can't afford it.
CATS ARE EVIL
Pet cats outnumber pet dogs 66 million to 58 million in the United States. That is because dog owners stop at one or two dogs. Crazy Cat Ladies stop at 12 or 20 or 45 cats. There may be one Cat Lady with those extra 8 million cats at her house.
Record producer Steve Lillywhite wants take Simon Cowell's spot on American Idol. This is his audition tape.
THE PATRIOT
Everyone knows Betsy Ross as the maker of the first American flag. She made it at the request of George Washington and sewed it by hand. During the Revolutionary War she, also, operated a munitions factory in her basement.
A MEAL FOR HARD TIMES
Here is the recipe for GRUEL described by Charles Dickens as "a meal for hard times". Grab a bowl with Oliver Twist, but please do not ask for more.
oats
water
milk
onion
If you have too many orphans to feed, you can always add extra water and leave out the milk and onion.
RING-A-DING-DING
The excuse that Tiger Woods suffers from sex addiction is crapulence.
Actually, I have used the word crapulence incorrectly. Crapulence is being used incorrectly a lot lately as most people assume it means excement.
CRAPULENCE according to the Oxford English Dictionary means: 1. Sickness or indisposition resulting from excess in drinking or eating; 2. Gross intemperance, esp. in drinking; debauchery.
All men are obsessed with sex. If they didn't the human race would be facing extinction. It is their main purpose. Tiger Woods lacks character and self control. Is there a clinic for that?
When Tiger Woods returns to golf, he might be booed. His nice guy image is tarnished forever. Maybe, he should come back in character like a wrestling villain. He could show up as a swinger like Dino Martin- Ring-a-ding-ding. Tiger could walk the course with a big busted blond caddy and another one holding a towel ready to wipe his balls.
Tiger is losing his endorsements. He could become a condom spokesperson and tell how he has given up risky unprotected sex.
THEY GOT LOVE ON THEIR MIND
There are reports that with all the athletic young bodies peacocking around and females with an extra jolt of testosterone coursing through their veins, an Olympic Village is a Sexateria with free condoms available for all. When the athletes finish competing, they have love on their mind. Gold medals are a strong aphrodisiac.
Since it is the Winter Olympics with winter sport athletes accustomed to fraternizing and wild cavorting at the ski chalet they might need to double the free supply of condoms. If they run out, they can borrow some from the Curlers. They won't need all of theirs.
Vancouver olympic organizers bought a supply of 100,000 condoms. That equals 14 for each of the 7,000 participants.
GONE WITH THE WIND
When I was a kid, we used to drive past this place out in the country that had an abandoned monorail and a couple of hundred feet of test track. I always wanted to ride on it, but I never saw it move. It probably had been there since about the same time they built Disneyland when monorails were a hot futuristic idea. It just sat there in that field for years motionless rusting away. I don't know if they eventually tore it down or if it disintegrated and collapsed.
Will windmills face the same fate? In fifty years, will the United States be the home of miles and miles of dilapidated abandoned rusty wind farms blighting the countryside?
In Minnesota, during the winter the grease that lubricates the wind turbines freezes. The turbines can't turn and no power is generated.
HOW TO PROTEST MANDATORY USAGE OF THOSE SQUIGGLY FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS.
Have a SMASH PARTY.
Incandescent light bulbs will be outlawed after 2012. With global warming science being shown to be doctored, this seems to be a dangerous unnecessary inconvenience and the law needs to be repealed. Politicians unwilling to give up the ghost are still wanting to go full speed ahead with green legislation. The president's buddies, GE likes it because it cuts out competition because its costly to set up the new factories. Is it time for a protest?
Gather a bunch of people and find a public place. Everyone takes a turn hurling squiggly fluorescent light bulbs on the ground. You can drop some off a rooftop like David Letterman or bored college kids. The bulbs are filled with Mercury and the HAZMAT team will be rushed to the scene. You are sure to get on the local news, maybe even the national news. It would probably become a viral youtube video. The nation will become alarmed by how dangerous the bulbs are, a hazard they never knew about. Perhaps, it would cause an uproar and a demand to ban them.
WARNING: You will probably get arrested (endangering the public/hopefully not terrorism)and may have to pay for the cleanup. Someone might get glass in their eye- wear goggles. I wouldn't urge anyone to actually do it, but it is fun to imagine.
IT'S A SURVEY
A British survey found that 24%
of people in England wash their sheets 3 times a year.
The latest hot celebrity controversy is about director/actor/podcaster/blogger Kevin Smith getting thrown off an airplane because the airline claimed he was too fat to fit in one seat and the plane was full and they didn't have two to sit him in.
I knew Kevin Smith was husky but I never thought of him being "that big" until a couple of months ago when he reported sitting on a toilet at an interstate rest stop and broke it.
He is the one that told everyone about this. Is he angling for a Weight Watcher's or Jenny Craig ad campaign? He is having trouble getting his next film financed. He can pay for it off his fat.
CAN AL GORE BE SUED?
Al Gore's undebatable global warming science is inconvenientrly falling apart.
Everyday another scientist is being exposed or fessing up to cherry picking data, using readings from dubious sources, disregarding historical climate trends or claim to have lost the information they based their assumptions on, to help perpetuate their hoax. They are all involved in a massive money grab including Al Gore.
Could Al Gore be sued for promoting global warming/climate change hysteria? He has a defense: He was too dumb to know any better.
He was a C and D+ SCIENCE student.
There isn't much difference between the principals in the global warming fraud and ENRON. They both dummied the books to keep the money rolling in.
GLOBAL WARMING CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT
Isn't it grand that whether it is too hot or a blizzard, eco-warriors
have a convenient scapegoat. Global warming/climate change can be whatever you want if you don't feel a need prove it and if you abandon common sense.
HAPPY 268th BIRTHDAY
George Washington was born February 22, 1732. He had red hair. He lost all of his teeth because of the medicine they used at the time and wore false ones
which despite common belief was not made of wood, and the rumor about his leaving splinters on his girlfriends is not true. His false teeth were carved from ivory.
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF ABE LINCOLN'S DOG
FIDO
Fido, short for fidelis (faithful), was a yellow dog of uncertain pedigree that followed Lincoln all over Springfield, IL dutifully carrying his newspaper or other objects and waited for him outside of the barbershop. Fido was a house dog and couch potato claiming a horse hair couch as his own. He was left in Springfied in the care of family friends after Lincoln was elected president because Fido was skittish about crowds and cannon fire. Before Lincoln left, he had a photograph taken, perhaps the first photograph of a dog. At the White House, the Lincolns had a dog named Jip. Is this the origin of the phrase "getting jipped" as Fido was?
Andrew Jackson was the first president to open the Inauguration to the public in 1829. 10,000 people came to town and 21,000 witnessed the swearing in ceremony on the Capitol steps. Many descended on the White House for the after inauguration reception which turned into a drunken melee. The rabble stood on chairs with their muddy boots to get a better look at Jackson and broke china and decorative pieces. Andrew Jackson had to escape through a window and spent the night at a hotel. They coaxed the rowdydows out of the White House by putting tubs of punch and liquor on the lawn. Andrew Jackson became known as King Mob.
IF YOU NEED A LOAN TO MAKE PAYROLL, YOU HAVE A BAD BUSINESS
Economic illiterate Obama when told at a press conference that small business is not hiring because they are scared to death about what the government might foist upon them- higher taxes, regulations, cap and trade, health care costs, etc. His reply was that wasn't true. The problem is banks wouldn't loan them money for payroll and inventory.
If you need to borrow to make payroll, you are hanging by your fingernails. Either your sales are way down or your customers are way behind in paying their bills. Cash flow kills. A bank giving you a loan to make payroll would be foolish because you are well on your way to having to shut the doors.
WHAT YOU OUGHTA BE DOIN
President Obama's favorite phrase is "what you oughta be doin." He uses it often in speeches like for cratering Las Vegas tourism and the private aircraft industry. It is also his least favorite phrase. He has a tin ear when America is screaming at him "what you ought to be or not be doin." while he promotes irresponsible goverment spending and relaxed national security ideas.
HAIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW
She became the first black woman to become a millionaire because all of her hair fell out. Read madame's story.
BLIZZARDS OF 2010 CREATES AND SAVES MORE JOBS THAN OBAMA
Just think of all the jobs that the snow has created. Everyone with a snow plow they can attach to their truck has work to do. Snow shovel inventories are depleted which will cause the snow shovel factories, probably in China, to get busy. Everybody bought out the stores of toilet paper, so toilet paperers jobs are saved. Government bureaucrats and congressmen had to stay home so they couldn't create any new rules that will lose jobs. The airlines are losing money because they can't fly. so they'll probably be laying some folks off.
The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river.
--Sidney Falco
LOOK AT ME. AIN'T I COOL?
I saw Oprah on a commercial promoting no phones in cars. Only a little over 15 years ago cell phones were called car phones. They cost so much to use that only high powered executives had them. Their time was so valuable they couldn't afford to be out of contact. People would put
fake car phones in their car so they could look like they were a big deal.
States are passing laws against cell phone use in cars. Will it be against the law to pretend to talk on a fake cellphone because you want to look like an outlaw rebel menace? You'll look like an old fossil outlaw rebel menace. No one over a certain age talks on a cell phone. They text.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
St. Valentine's Day was originally a feast day celebrated by the Catholic Church to honor one of possibly three martyred men. Geoffrey Chaucer turned it into a day for romance when he wrote PARLEMENT OF FOULES in 1382.
Valentine's Day has long been a day when lovers exchanged love notes. In the mid 1900s it also became a day for giving chocolates and flowers. The jewelers horned-in with their full court press in the early 80s for guilting men to feel obligated and women to feel entitled to give and get jewelry. One billion Valentine cards are sold every year- 85% purchased by women. Six hundred thousand couples get engaged. Valentine's Day is a $13 Billion a year business.
There is a group promoting Anti-Valentine Day. They don't want to feel compelled to give anything. Except maybe lingerie.
JUST A GOOD OL BOY
What is more romantic than treating your sweetie to the Daytona 500 for Valentine's Day?
The Daytona 500, also known as the Great American Race, is like the Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing and is held every year in February. NASCAR started as races between moonshine runners on their day off.
Moonshine runners would drive nondescript businessman type cars to look inconspicuous. They souped up the engines, reinforced the suspension,and put tanks in the trunk for their product. The tanks were outfitted to dump their load when being chased by the revenuers.
Of course, they had to prove who had the fastest car to each other. They formed the National Association of Stock Car Racing. For some reason, the cars were not plastered with ads
NASCAR groupies who hang over the chain link fence separating the stands from the track and vie for the driver's attention are nicknamed WAFFLE BELLIES
VALENTINE'S DAY TIP FOR CLODS
According to a recent survey, flowers are not in the Top 3 gifts desired by women for Valentine's Day. They don't really want them delivered in person at home. Flowers move up the list if they are delivered by the florist to her office for everyone to notice. Sending them a day ahead of time is even better. There is a better chance that more of her girlfriends will see them.
3:45am IS THE BEST TIME TO SNEAK HOME BECAUSE IF ANYONE SEES YOU THEY ARE SNEAKING HOME, TOO.
February 13th is CHEATER'S DAY- the day when the most unfaithful spouses get caught. Here's a quote in honor of the day:
Hillary Clinton has been cheated on more than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. ---Dennis Miller
I'M HAPPY YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PAJAMAS, NOW, GET'EM OFF
We are in the middle of the pre-Valentine bombardment of commercials selling husbands and boyfriends on buying sexy pajamas for their wife and/or girlfriend. After the women slide on their new p.j.'s the men will be trying to pull them off in about 30 seconds. Who is this present for?
The man won't be choosing the style he thinks will look best on his wife and/or girlfriend.
After receiving the new pajamas, the women will know from the style they receive which model in the commercial their man has the hots for. His call to action to purchase the pajamas will show the degree his eyes have been bugging out for that girl. I think Mrs. Bad Ideas would like the red pajamas with the straps.
SUPER BOWL LOSERS NEED SOMEWHERE TO GO
When you ask a winner of the Super Bowl what's next, he always says, "I'm going to Disney World". Where does the loser go?
I kept seeing tourism commercials for California and Florida. Then, one day I glanced up to see images on the TV of a forgotten destination the ad claimed was a vacation wonderland. Eureka. That's It.
NEBRASKA
SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD THEY STILL THINK WE WON
Unfortunately, this will no longer happen.
If you go to a third world country and notice people wearing Championship t-shirts or hats from a United States team, the other team won. The screen printers print up a bunch of CHAMPIONS stuff for both teams involved in a Championship game so they will be ready for sale as soon as the game is over. They have to do something to get rid of the loser stuff they printed. So, they ship it off to countries where they don't care who won. In Nicaragua, The New England Patriots won the SUPER BOWL and ended the season 19-0.
The screen printers, now, have to take the wrong stuff and grind it up.
PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES
The PUPPY BOWL VI will air opposite the SUPER BOWL on Animal Planet. It features puppies at play on a set made to look like a football stadium. The PUPPY BOWL usually attracts 8 million viewers amd averages 1.1 million viewers at any one time.
I heard a story on public radio's THIS AMERICAN LIFE where the storyteller told of how her father came up with the PUPPY CHANNEL for cable tv. He made a pilot and composed a theme song. He believed it would be a great stress reliever and calming effect. He made pitches but couldn't get any cable honchos to bite.
In the early days of cable, which was mostly in small towns rebroadcasting the closest big city TV signals, they usually had a channel devoted to scanning weather gauges or maybe trained on a fish bowl.
Super Bowl Sunday comes in second only to Thanksgiving Day for food consumption. It is the #1 day for pizza sales.
STOP OR I'LL SUE
The NFL is getting rough with people they feel are violating their trademark. You can't technically have a party at your house Sunday and call it a Super Bowl Party without ponying up some dough. Could the police come knock down your door and haul off your bowl of Velveeta/salsa dip? They mostly will have their hand/gun out for stores and product manufacturers. You can't advertise come buy a bag of CUZ'N CRUNCHY'S potato chips to shovel in while you watch the Super Bowl. Listen to the commercials and notice the euphemisms and the hinting around it- THE BIG GAME etc.
You will know I got a cease and desist letter if I have to strike through everytime I wrote SUPER BOWL. What can I use? Stupor, Duper, Whooper, Pooper.
If you have a McSuper Bowl party they'll be stringing a rope from your tree.
WHO IS THAT OLD GUY?
The WHO are the half-time entertainment at this year's SUPER BOWL.
Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Prince, Aerosmith, former teen idols Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones have performed in recent years. This was equivalent year-wise as if former teen idol Rudy Vallee had sung with his megaphone at the first Super Bowl.
JUST OK BOWL
They could not sell all of the seats at the first Super Bowl with Green Bay and Kansas City. Two college marching bands played at half time. There is no recorded record of the first two Super Bowls because the tapes were erased. They thought no one would ever want to see them again. It wasn't even called the Super Bowl. Pete Rozell, the NFL commissioner wanted to call it THE BIG ONE. Kansas City Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt thought of the name after watching his kids play with a Super Ball.
CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES
The golden arches has a Super Bowl Day promotion of 50 Chicken Nuggets for $9.99. I assume this is a quantity designed for parties. For a few dollars more you can get a combo with two large fries and two large drinks. This seems designed for hogs. You and a gluttonous buddy could share 25 chicken nuggets a piece, a large french fry and a large drink and hope you don't explode.
They have done it the last several years, so there must be more than a few to folks that want to eat like a lineman. Don't fight over the last one.
SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER
It is Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil says: Six more weeks of winter. Phil is right 39% of the time. A coin flip would be right 50%. Phil lives on dog food, ice cream and his yearly nip of Groundhog Punch (which gives him immortality).
PETA thinks Phil is mistreated and wants him replaced with an audio animatronic groundhog. Phil lives like a king. His living quarters is heated during the winter and airconditioned during the summer. He probably enjoys his annual day of adulation.
At an alligator farm near Beaumont, Texas, they have BIG AL. On Ground Hog Day, they coax BIG AL out of his hibernation hole. If BIG AL eats a chicken, there will be six more weeks of winter. Today, BIG AL agreed with Punxsutawney Phil.
PRESIDENT OBAMA,
YOUR BABY IS UGLY!
A time management expert says one way to save time is to have someone tell you if "your baby is ugly". He wasn't talking about the appearance of your child. He was talking about giving you an honest opinion about your pet project. If all you have is yes men telling you how good you are, you will never learn or make changes until after you have wasted a lot of time and squandered a lot of money.
The president should be waging a War Against Unemployment instead of a War Against the United States
HOW TO SAVE YOUR HOMETOWN
Start a business that successfully sells things nationwide. Hire all of your friends, family and neighbors.
Read about LITITZ, PENNSYLVANIA population 9,000. An unlikely haven for rock n' roll entrepreneurs.
HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE GRAVY
3/4 cup of sugar
1/4 cup of flour
1/4 cup of cocoa powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 cups of milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon of butter
Mix together in a pot sugar, flour, cocoa powder, salt and cinnamon. Add the milk and while stirring cook on medium heat until it thickens. Stir in the vanilla and butter.
Pour on stuff while still warm- biscuits, toast, pancakes, doughnuts, chicken fried bacon, whatever you want.
THE HAMBURGER PORNO PAGE
The HAMBURGER PORNO page has become a huge smash. See the pictures that will make some drool and some sick.
The Hamburger Porno page has now become the front page of another of our websites eatorama.com
THE ICE FAMINE
Frederic Tudor began harvesting ice from New England ponds in 1806. He loaded it on ships and sent it to Cuba and other Caribbean islands. He was dubbed "the Ice King". His business grew and he shipped ice all over the world.
Tudor built an ice house in New Orleans in 1820. New Orleans became the biggest consumer of ice south of Philadelphia.
Ice boxes became popular in homes beginning in the 1850s. People could actually keep food edible longer. Ice harvesting hit its peak in the US in 1886 with 25 million tons and employed thousands. Manufactured ice began taking over about the turn of the century. Bailouts needed for ice harvesters?
Mild winters caused a crisis in 1860 creating an ICE FAMINE. It happened again in 1870. Global warming climate change?
HIGHWAY HI-FI
The world is abuzz about Apple's unveiling of the I-PAD, ten years in the making. That's nothing.
The 1956 Chrysler offered the option of the Highway Hi-Fi- a record player for the car. It played specially made records that played at 16 2/3 rpm and played for 60 minutes per side. You couldn't play records from your collection on them, you had to buy records made for the player and only 32 were offered- including the soundtrack from the movie "Davey Crockett".
The Highway Hi-Fi was not offered for the 1958 Chrysler.
OUR POLICIES HAVE SAVED OVER
A BILLION JOBS
The president's mouthpieces couldn't keep their figures straight when they hit the Sunday morning talk shows. They claimed they saved thousands and thousands of jobs, a million and half, two million jobs. You can claim anything when there is no way to prove it or dispute it. Why not claim you have saved every job there ever will be until the end of time?
Every time a Democrat runs against a Republican president they claim he created the worst economy or climate in a million years, or it seems like it to them.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HAGGIS?
January 25th is the birthday of Robert Burns. Robert Burns is regarded as the national poet of Scotland and Scotland's favorite son. He died in 1796, and Robert Burns Night has been celebrated on his birthday around the world since.
The festivities include the Burns supper with the cutting of the Haggis and
Robert's famous Address To a Haggis is read. Burns aficionados smuggle Haggis made in Scotland into the US for the special occasion.
Haggis is sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours. Modern Haggis is stuffed in a casing, but for the Burn supper you need the real thing.
Next year, the ban on Haggis importation from Scotland is lifted. So, there will be no need to serve ertsatz or smuggled Haggis for Burns night and state fair concessioneers who fry everything can feel free to sell deep-fried Haggis.
PUSHING SQUARE PEGS INTO ROUND HOLES WITH A HAMMER
Obama, Nancy and Harry have put all of their hopes of saving our economy on the wishful thinking of green jobs and green industry. The problem is no one wants to make or buy the stuff without government force, subsidies, or tax credits.
This reminds me Michael Moore's first movie ROGER & ME which showed the general foolishness of Flint, Michigan trying to replace the loss of GM auto plants. The city decided to make Flint a tourist destination. Who in their right mind is going to Flint for a vacation? They built an $80 million AUTO WORLD with audio animatronic exhibits about car building and factories. They built a big hotel for conventions. They made films on how locals could promote the sights of Flint. AUTO WORLD and the hotel both went broke in less than a year . Nobody had canceled their vacation plans to Disney World, Hawaii or Las Vegas in favor of Flint.
Scott Brown is the greatest senator ever just by getting elected. He hasn't spent one minute serving, but has turned Washington on its head. He will be the greatest even if he never does another thing. The Democrats were on the top of the hill and felt like they could do anything they damn well pleased. They could spend irresponsibly, cut in their buddies, take away freedom and there wasn't a thing anyone could do about. They ignored the growing unrest by the voters that weren't going to take being COMMIED-UP. The election was the tipping point. Their attitude has changed and their arrogance is deteriorating. As the current hot phrase goes, they are in a circular firing squad.
John F. Kennedy was elected to the senate in 1952. He gave up his seat when he became president. Teddy wasn't old enough to be senator yet, so a family friend filled the seat until Teddy turned 30. Massachusetts then held a special election which surprise surprise Teddy won. He then stayed so long people came to feel he owned it.
HITLER FINDS OUT SCOTT BROWN WON
"George Bush was a C student, Obama failed lunch" -- Hitler
Gee. I think real Americans are against Big Brother, squandering money, and one political party running roughshod over the other.
AVATAR
Why should congressmen be in Washington? Make them stay home and go to work everyday at an office in their district. They can teleconference or better yet, how about having them operate AVATARS on the floor of the house or senate. If they stay home, they will be more convenient for constituents to show up to give them a piece of their mind and less to lobbyists and their goodies. A representative will feel like an employee. It won't be so glamorous. They won't feel inclined to stay for 40 - 50 years. They'll be glad to leave after just a few. They could be red or blue AVATARS. C-Span could broadcast them inside a lush virtual world with unicorns roaming about excitedly while they vote.
A THIN LINE BETWEEN MADNESS AND GENIUS
George Ellery Hale was a pioneer builder of powerful telescopes. In 1897, Hale built a 40-inch-wide telescope, the largest ever built at that time. It took him 14 years to build his second telescope, a 60-inch lens, unveiled in 1917.
He drove himself crazy building the second. Hale decided that he suffered from "Americanitis" a sickness in which the ambitions of Americans drives them insane. Hale was committed to a looney bin where he would only discuss his plans for the telescope with a "sympathetic green elf."
THEY GOT SANDWICHES AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD
BLT from TONY'S I-75 RESTAURANT Birch Run, MI
has one pound of bacon.
January 15th is the day that 90% of resolutioners have given up on their New Year's Resolution. There should be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym from now on.
THE UN-VICTORY GARDEN
Michelle Obama made a big deal in March of planting her White House garden to promote healthy eating. The problem is they won't be eating from it. The garden has been deemed toxic. The ground was poisoned when the Clinton's fertilized it with sewage sludge which the government was promoting at the time. The ground now is heavy with lead among other unsavory things.
Is Michelle's Toxic Garden not a metaphor for government largesse? Good intentions poisoned by government recommended toxic sludge to become an unusable pile of crap. Just think of the Health Care Reform Bill.
TED IS DEAD 2
Massachusetts held a special election Tuesday for the senate seat that Teddy Kennedy parked his big flabby behind in for nearly 50 years. David Gergen the moderator at the candidate debate implied "how dare the republican think he could take over the TED KENNEDY SEAT" as if Teddy had property rights over it. Why elect anyone new to serve the people of the state. Some would think it grand to put a Ted Kennedy robot in the seat, just like Abraham Lincoln and the presidents at Disney World's Hall of Presidents. Ted Kennedy could have sat in the TED KENNEDY SEAT forever with the Democratic machine pulling the audio-animatronic levers.
NOT FEELIN IT, DAWG
Simon Cowell has announced he is leaving AMERICAN IDOL. Do they really need judges? They need them to sift through the cattle call of tone deaf wackos, which they only see the most interesting ones. When the competition starts, who needs them what do they add?
Randy calls them Dawg and tells them they are pitchy. Simon tells them he hates their song choice and they sang it horribly. When Paula said you looked good, she was politely saying you sucked. If the contestant ever followed the judges' advice, the next performance was guaranteed to be a disaster. If they didn't, they got in their doghouse. If you talk back, you look like a childish jerk and lose votes. The judges try to sway the voting.
Just let the singers sing and let the audience vote.
I COULDN'T BE A DELUDED WANNABE ON AMERICAN IDOL
AMERICAN IDOL is back.
People who love me stop me from singing by the third note whenever I try to sing a song. I never get past that note. I don't know if I can sing or not. Maybe, I am great and nobody knows because they haven't heard me sing a whole song. I might just start a little off. Maybe, if Simon could just hear me- I could be a star. And, if Simon doesn't recognize my talent that guy can go straight to Hades.
IMPLANTING EARWORMS
An EARWORM is a tune that you can't get out of your head. Here is the latest internet sensation,
MENTALISTS AND NAKED WOMEN
Here are more ideas for airport security. Hire
mind readers and nude women interrogators. The mind readers will of course read minds searching for bad intent. The naked women will be in a room you get sent to for interrogation if you are giving off warning signs- darting eyes, nervousness, anxiety, furtive looks, and lack of eye contact. If you're a man and seem enthusiastic about going to see the naked lady, you are not a terrorist and are sent on your way. You wouldn't actually have to have any naked women just the threat.
A NEW AIRPORT SECURITY PLAN
I should stop reading. There was an article about how they should have bomb sniffing dogs at the front door of airports. Nobody has been checked until they get through the TSA line. After the crotch bomber, the lines will be even slower and longer, a terrorist could take out more people stacked up in a long line than he could blowing up an airplane without the risk of getting caught.
Here's a new plan.They could stop every car entering airport property and have a bomb sniffing dog stick his big ol' head in the window. They could just let packs of bomb sniffing dogs roam the terminal. That would make a terrorist lose some sleep.
KEEP YOUR EYES OFF ME YOU BEAST
There is going to be a rush to install full body scanners at airport security. Some are quite concerned about their modesty. The technicians will be locked in a room where they won't see real people. They will only be looking at blobs on a screen to quickly scan for weapons. There won't be much leering going on or cat calling. They will have to desensitize themselves from being disgusted. Ever seen pictures of nature worshippers at a nudist colony.
VA VA VA VOOM WOOOO WOOOO WOOO ANNNNG AANNNG ANNNG BLUBBBBBBB BA BLUBBBBBB
FROZEN GORE
Ice sculpture in Fairbanks, Alaska. They invited Al Gore to come up for a debate. He said he would love to but had a scheduling conflict. They never told him a date.
IF A POLICEMAN TELLS YOU TO FREEZE, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE
International Falls, Minnesota is called ICEBOX OF THE NATION. They just had a low of -35 degrees.
AL-QAEDA VACATION WONDERLAND
The Thomson, Illinois prison that the attorney general and the president want to transfer GITMO detainees to is just 24 miles from a nuclear power plant. Sounds like a perfect Al-QAEDA vacation area. There is even a convenient International airport.
It was 8 below zero at Thomson, Illinois Saturday night.
DINNER WITH ELVIS
Elvis Presley's last meal was cheeseburgers made by his cook Mary Jenkins. Everyone has heard of his love for peanut butter and banana sandwiches fried in butter, but he was a cheeseburger fiend. They say he was making up for when he couldn't get one while growing up poor.
Michael Jackson had a famous chimp named Bubbles. Did you know that Elvis had a chimp that ate at the dinner table with him. The chimp also liked to look up girl's skirts and on occasion attack them.
THE BEST SANDWICH ELVIS EVER ATE
Elvis is one of the few people in history who has his birthday and the date of his death commemorated almost like a national holiday. Where were you the day Elvis died, August 16, 1977.
You probably know about the Peanut Butter and Nanner (banana) sandwiches- the gloppy mess Elvis's cook often made him. Elvis said the best sandwich he ever ate was the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF. It was a sandwich made by the Colorado Mine Company restaurant in Denver that cost $49.50.
The legend goes that one night in 1976, Elvis had two police friends from Denver visiting him at Graceland and talk turned to the FOOL'S GOLD LOAF and how they all wished they had one. So they hopped into Elvis's jet-TCB and flew to Denver. The restaurant delivered the sandwiches to the airport hangar and Elvis and his buddies devoured them and washed it down with Dom Perignon. Here's the recipe:
o 2 T margarine
o 1 loaf Italian white bread
o 1 lb bacon slices
o 1 jar of smooth peanut butter
o 1 jar of grape jelly
Heat an oven to 450 degrees. Cut the loaf of bread in half and hollow it out. Rub margarine all over the outside of the bread, slather on the jar of peanut butter then stick it in the oven. Take out the bread when it gets toasty and the peanut butter warm and gooey. Add the jar of grape jelly. You can either put the bacon in the hollowed out bread cavity or between the peanut butter and jelly.
Elvis could eat one by himself.
WWEE
What Would Elvis Eat?
GOING FOR THE THROAT
Many early iron dog collars were studded with spikes. They were designed to protect hunting dogs’ throats from attacks from the wolves, bears, and wild boar that roamed the forests. Now collars inspired by the same design are made for humans to protect them from being around normal people.
.
YOU NEED A MINT
If you are waiting with baited breath, it does not mean that you just swallowed worms. It means you are holding your breath. And, it is bated breath which comes from abate. It would only be baited breath if you were a cat that just swallowed cheese looking for mice. Shakespeare coined the phrase.
LAWYERS AND LIBERALS WILL GET US KILLED
We need to stop playing Patty Cake with terrorists. Instead of worrying so much about civil rights and the Geneva Convention, they have earned a new classification and should be dealt with differently. They are part of an INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. They are obsessed and persistently determined to eliminate anyone that does not believe as they do. Their aim is not unlike any genocidal maniac in history. They prey upon and hide among the innocent. They are like termites destroying a house. Their U.S. Freedom Priveledges have been revoked.
STONE THE CREEPS
The Crotch Bomber proves again the passengers should be able to protect themselves. They don't put air marshalls on every flight.
The terrorists just make it where travelers get hassled more. One wag said "if a terrorist sings before trying to pull something, singing will be banned from flights."
Here is my idea for airline safety. A few hijackers can't stay in control when the greater numbers decide to take it back.
Every passenger should be handed a bag of rocks when entering the plane. If someone has evil plans for the plane and starts causing trouble, the rest of the hundred or so passengers can take their rocks and stone the creep.
Rocks shouldn't create any unfortunate holes in the plane like bullets would, and since the terrorists want to take us back to medieval times we can take them back there first. They would be no match for a blizzard of rocks.
STEWARDESS, I'D LIKE A CHIANTI TO GO WITH MY FAVA BEANS
If you don't want to pass out bags of rocks and you can't profile because you might get sued, what can you do?
Soon, the only way to guarantee airline safety will be to strap all passengers into their seats like Hannibal Lechter.
IT'S TIME TO HIDE THE PRESERVES
Here is a tip for giving holiday house guests the message they should go home.
An old relative from the South once told me he knew he had overstayed his welcome as a house guest when they took the preserves off the table.
One reader says the preserves trick won't work with his "Deliverance family"
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
When my mother-in-law begins to scream and shout, through the window I would like to throw her out. I resolve not to do it here is why. I'm afraid of hitting someone passing by.
---Spike Jones & His City Slickers
REINSTATE "LOSING YOUR ASS" OPTION
Bad decisions are made when you eliminate the possibility that you might LOSE YOUR ASS. Bad house loans were made because risk was gone. If the loans went bad they were off the hook because someone else was going to absorb it through credit default swaps or ultimately the government.
Bailouts are to keep businesses from LOSING THEIR ASS. Future generations get the bill. What is the limit government can afford to keep some from LOSING THEIR ASS without absolutely everybody eventually LOSING THEIR ASS? I think we have found out.
An irresponsible teenager won't learn until you take his car keys away and sell the car.
One great thing about the free enterprise system is bad businesses get to LOSE THEIR ASS and other people get to buy a lot of assets cheap. Maybe, they will do a better job with them.
We would be better off if congressmen were in constant danger of LOSING THEIR ASS for bad decisions.
Missing items in airline luggage is way up this year. Experts say to carry all of your stuff in carry-on bags.
Valuables theft from checked luggage on planes dramatically became rampant after the TSA started its no-lock policy about four years ago.
An anonymous baggage handler claims to have never pilfered but has HEARD THINGS.
She says one way to get away with it is to rifle through a bag and then put it on the wrong plane headed to the wrong city. When they finally find the bag, nobody can pinpoint the scene of the crime.
WHERE LOST AIRLINE LUGGAGE GOES
Readership always jumps the day after a major traveling holiday for the second most read story on my websites. Every year over One Million bags are lost by the airlines. The day after a holiday GOOGLE is burning up with people looking for their lost luggage. I know where it ends up if it is lost forever.
If the airline loses your luggage forever they will not reimburse you for some premium items. Don't pack antlers in your suitcase because if they lose it you are out of luck. The airlines pay a flat $9.07 a pound for luggage never returned to its owner up to $640.00.
Do you know where all lost airline luggage goes? There is a magical special place and you can go there and buy other people's stuff for a bargain. Their loss is your gain.
For those with a compulsion to look in your hosts' medicine cabinet, you can go there just to touch other people's stuff.
We have gone to visit Mrs. Bad Ideas' mother. She has satellite TV and has just lost all of her favorite shows on CBS and NBC because those stations have been cutoff. The satellite company says "don't blame us, it's the government." The government in order to protect local affiliates has blocked intruder stations. She lives 100 miles from the nearest affiliate with a mountain between her and them. There is nothing to intrude on. The only local affiliate is ABC. She has been cast adrift into isolation without NCIS or her beloved Redskins games.
To get CBS and NBC back, the government will have to run a test to see if she is far enough away to qualify. Probably two bureaucrats looking for a day to kill pretending to be on the road. They will test within 45 days. If she passes the government test, she will either get CBS or NBC affiliate in Los Angeles or New York City. If they give her LA she can watch her favorite shows at 2 o'clock in the morning.
If she doesn't qualify she can buy an aerial TV to go on her house and the satellite company says they will be happy to install it for a price.
Or, she can toss their satellite boxes out the window into the snow and tell them to bring a shovel and get cable. The satellite representative said she thought cable sounded like a good idea.
DON'T CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
Former box office champion SOUND OF MUSIC just had its annual Christmas holiday airing.
Filmakers take dramatic license to make films more interesting. If the Von Trapp family had really climbed that mountain at the end of the movie to escape the Nazis they would have been heading into Germany, not Switzerland. The audience smiling with feelings of relief and well being as the "Climb Every Mountain" music plays should instead be screaming "Stop, you're going the wrong way. Turn around!"
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM MIDGETS?
Nothing gets you introduced to the public quicker than a good publicity stunt.
Charles Pajeau hired midgets, dressed them as elves, and placed them in the display window of a Chicago department store where they played with his new invention, Tinker Toys, during Christmas of 1914. In the next year, he sold over a million sets.
Paljeau got the idea for Tinker Toys from watching children sticking pencils into wooden thread spool holes.
WATERMELON MARXISTS
A Watermelon Marxist is someone who is green on the outside and red on the inside. Commies can't win many friends identifying themselves as a communist. As John Lennon said "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow."
So, they found something that few people can object to for which they can get laws passed to control your behavior and override your freedom- Environmentalism. Who doesn't want clean air and clean water? If they can convince people carbon dioxide, a bi-product of industry and most human and animal function, is destroying the earth they can have a revolution without firing a shot.
At the Copenhagen summit, they streamed in there salivating over their chance to grab a hold of money they did nothing to earn by guilting the ingenious and industrious into giving it to them.
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT PIFFLE
Why are global warming alarmists trying to ignore the fact that scientific malpractice has been exposed? They don't want the money train derailed.
Global Warming has been a slam dunk for getting government grants.
Say, you want to study "the nut collecting habits of squirrels. " You may not get the grant. But, if you add the phrase "The effects of global warming (you should update to climate change) on....", you are a shoe in.
In the past, many scientists have been bullied into agreeing to the global warming line. If a scientist didn't agree
they got canned. Pressure is increasing, but some are getting brave enough to speak out.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
The Twelve Days of Christmas is the time between the birth of Jesus and the arrival of the Three Wise Men on January 6.
GREASY KID STUFF
Vitalis was the sponsor for the Sun Bowl two years ago. I didn't know that Vitalis, big in the 50's and 60s, was still around. I speculated that the next we would see The Butch Wax Bowl. I was wrong. Vitalis was replaced by Brut which is returning to sponsor again this year. If Brut drops out, I predict the next bowl will be the Hai Karate Bowl.
TAKE IT BACK DAY
The Christmas present exchangers favorite day is the day after Christmas.
Retailers are going to make exchanging more difficult. Not by hiding in the back room so they won't lose the few sales they had, but by only allowing you to exchange things only from the same department. They are trying to curb getting scammed for $16 Billion a year. You won't be able to switch a shirt for dvd's or a toaster. And for people that have a history of exchanging purchases too often, the stores are banding together to form a blacklist.
My mother would have been at the top of the blacklist. She was so bad, my father refused to buy her presents for any occasion because he knew she would take it back. He said she could buy her own presents. This included a ring for their silver anniversary. I think she was close to being permanently banned from Lenscrafters.
My brother-in-law who worked in high-end jewelry stores for years said they always wondered what was coming back the Day After Christmas.
One year they had spent a month helping a hundred-millionaire choose a $40,000 pearl necklace for his wife. The Day After Christmas, a well dressed woman came into the store and hurled the box with the pearls at them. She shouted, "Tell that bastard I can't be bought off with his cheap baubles!" Then, she left.
THE GIFTS THAT SANTA WON'T BRING
The day after Christmas is one of the biggest shopping days of the year. With Christmas money and gift cards burning a hole in their pockets, young buyers hit the stores to buy the games and DVDs their parents would never get them. Marketers are waiting for them. That is why a couple of years ago JACKASS THE MOVIE was released on December 26.
WHAT TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS LEFTOVERS
A fitness guru/crazy woman in a TV interview on what to with Christmas leftovers said:
THROW IT OUT
Fat Chance! That's like hauling the Christmas Tree to the dump the morning after Christmas lights, balls and all.
TIME HAS RUN OUT FOR HOLIDAY SHOPPING
My brother-in-law worked for years selling jewelry at an extremely high end jewelry store in a fashionable mall. His December work schedule was brutal. But, he did love the hour before closing on Christmas Eve. This was the golden hour when confused and desperate husbands without a gift for their wives would show up. They were anxious for any guidance they could get because they could not go home empty handed. Tony had one question. "What is your credit limit?"
JACK BAUER INTERROGATES SANTA
BAD SANTA
Who wouldn't want a picture of their kids with a Santa that looks like Rasputin and sitting on a taxadermied donkey. See family photos with flea bitten Santas with crazy eyes, creepy expressions, wearing masks, alkies, or jonesing Santas. sketchysantas.com
THE CHRISTMAS PICKLE
An old German Christmas Eve tradition is the Christmas Pickle.
The Christmas Pickle is not a real pickle. It is a pickle-shaped ornament that is the last one hung on the tree and hidden deep in the branches on Christmas Eve. The first child to find the Christmas pickle gets an extra gift from Saint Nicholas.
The Christmas Pickle would be an old German tradition if anyone from Germany had ever heard of it. It sounds more like something a crazy weird childless uncle made up to tell the kids. Or, an ornament maker dreamed up the story to get rid of a bunch of pickle ornaments they had leftover and needed to unload. The Germans did have a tradition of decorating their trees with fruit and nuts.
There are a couple of legends on the origin of the Christmas Pickle tradition:
One story is of a Bavarian-born soldier who fought in the American Civil War. A prisoner in poor health and starving, he begged a guard for just one pickle before he died. The guard took pity on him and found a pickle for him. The pickle by the grace of God gave him the mental and physical strength to live on.
Another claims that hundreds of years ago two young Spanish boys, when traveling home from boarding school one Christmas Eve, sought refuge for the night at an inn. Here they encountered a evil cruel inn-keeper who trapped them in a pickle barrel. When St. Nicholas stopped at the inn that evening he heard their cries and tapped the barrel with his staff, magically freeing them.
Berrien Springs, Michigan calls itself the Christmas Pickle Capital of the World. They hold an annual Christmas Pickle Festival each December.
WHAT DO OVER VOCAL ATHEISTS DO FOR CHRISTMAS?
Do they sit at home pouting and feeling offended by what everyone else is doing?
Do they sit smugly feeling superior for believing in nothing? Do they sit around selfishly feeling it is all about being against them? Do they enjoy their hollow feeling of refusing to participate in even the non-religious aspects- charity, good will, good cheer and family reunion? Do they spend their day plotting how to be bigger bastards by lousing it up more for everyone next year?
HERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS BONUS
CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT
AMERICA DOESN'T SUCK YOU DO
I was watching a show where they used the old tried and true dramatic device of bringing in a new boss with little practical field experience, fewer people skills, that thinks they are smarter than everybody who comes in and starts jacking with the staff that works like a well-oiled machine and starts changing every thing.
This is what we now have in Washington.-leaders and their staffs who were voted in by gullible sheep convinced by subterfuge that have little practical experience or know how. They have their theories they dreamed up sitting in an ivory tower. They consider themselves intellectually superior and every one else as dumb as the gullible they tricked into voting for them.
A government job costs money and is a drag on the economy. A job provided by business makes money and fuels the economy.
YOU'LL GET WORMS
Egg Nog is a concoction of milk and eggs and an alcoholic beverage. Unrefrigerated eggs and milk go bad quickly so the alcohol was added to keep you from becoming deathly ill.
In ye olde days, most drinks were alcoholic for the same reason. People, then had sense. Now many, including MRS BAD IDEAS, throw caution to the wind- eating raw cookie dough and cookie dough ice cream and risking getting worms.
A SHOE IN FOR THE DISSIPATION HALL OF FAME
All of the stories about Tiger Woods' girlfriends sounds like a letter in Penthouse Forum. Penthouse Forum was where readers of the magazine could write in about their mind blowing chance sexual encounters that were most likely only figments of their imagination. $25,000 orgies, never ending parade of cocktail waitresses, when did he have time to practice? His exploits surpasses all other of sports legendary excess like Mickey Mantle, who banged out home runs while so hungover as to barely be able to walk or Babe Ruth who played while stuffed with 18 hot dogs or after non-stop carousing. Tiger makes Tony Soprano look faithful to his wife.
GONE OFF THE BOIL
When it comes right down to it, EVERYBODY IS NUTS. There is no one exempt from some mental instability or human frailty. Everyday, there is someone believed to be a pillar of stability caught doing something like they have lost their mind.
There are two kinds of nuts. Happy Nuts and Unhappy Nuts. Being a happy one is much more fun.
I have been looking for a reason to use OFF THE BOIL since reading a British article's description about frumpy Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle's freak out.
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD
There are so many people whose whole identity and self esteem and/or livelihood is intertwined with Global Warming that the exposure that the science is a fraud with more cooked books than an Enron accountant will shatter their image so much that the shame may soon result in a epidemic of suicides.
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS CANCELED
There won't be many office Christmas parties this year. Having to make a choice between having the party or canning somebody, most businesses are canceling the parties.
Dancing on table tops and photocopying body parts hasn't been the only thing going on at office Christmas parties.
A British survey says that one-third of those surveyed admitted to having sex with the boss during the party.
Could this be true? Does the boss sit in his office like Bill Clinton with his employees lined up outside the door waiting to wish him or her a "Merry Christmas"? This year, employees will have to find another time to save their Christmas Bonus.
The survey was from a dating website.
THE GAME YOU ALMOST NEVER HEARD OF
He invented the game to make money to help his family survive the Depression, but didn't make any money until the Depression was over.
Another season of the war on Christmas has begun.
The White House will be calling its Christmas Tree the Holiday Tree, Sting is calling his new Christmas album WINTER, a Massachusetts elementary school is banning Christmas items, and red and green wrapping paper from their annual PTO Christmas fair fundraiser.
If an overwhelming majority were not celebrating Christmas there wouldn't be any euphemistic holidays to wish someone to be happy for. Who wants to celebrate the Winter Solstice or Snowflake Day? The special time reminds the 90% that observe Christmas to show goodwill and good cheer to everyone whether they believe in Christmas or not, unless they are caving in someone's head fighting over gift bargains.
YOU'RE A TI-GGGG-ER! GRRRRRR.
Tiger Woods tarnishing his all-american clean image with his infidelity problem reminds me of a line from the movie DR. STRANGELOVE.
They have the Russian ambassador down in the war room to see if he can locate the Russian premier in an effort to avert worldwide nuclear annihialation. The ambassador has a phone number for the premier's secret tryst rendezvous and explains:
Premier Kissoff may be a man of the people, but he is a man.
DON'T TASE ME, BRO
The TASER is the favored tool by the police for handling unruly, mouthy probably shirtless perpetrators they are trying to arrest..
What do the letters TASER stand for?
Thomas A. Swift's Electric Rifle.
The TASER was invented by
Jack Cover, a NASA researcher, in 1969. He was a Tom Swift fan so he named his invention after Tom's fictional rifle.
It first appeared in
Tom Swift and His Electric Rifle, or, Daring Adventures in Elephant Land- Volume 10 in the original Tom Swift children's science fiction novel series written by Victor Appleton (a pseudonym for a stable of ghostwriters) in 1911. Steve Wozniak and Isaac Azimov cite Tom Swift as their inspiration.
LOOKING FOR A LADY'S LEG LAMP?
100,000 people from all over the country have toured Ralphie's house from THE CHRISTMAS STORY. Located in Cleveland, it is the actual house where they filmed the movie. A San Diego entrepreneur bought it sight unseen from an auction on EBAY, then remodeled it to look exactly like it did in the movie. He had to change the interiors because they were different than what was filmed on a soundstage in Toronto.
You can buy an elf hat from the actress that played Santa's worst helper ever. She hand sews them.
If you can't make it to Cleveland you can order an actual size LADY'S LEG LAMP to set in your front window just like Ralphie's dad's major award.
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
The Daisy BB gun was originally given away as a premium when you bought something else for your farm. The something else was probably one of the main targets for young sharpshooters. The Red Ryder model, Ralphie's obsession in CHRISTMAS STORY, was the hit of Christmas 1940.
There are four Christmas shows that I have to watch every year or the Christmas season is not complete. Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and that show about ROLLO.
HO HO HO
Overheard at Home Depot. A young lady overcome with the Spirit of the Season:
Here's the Christmas crap
POLISHING THE VASE WHILE THE HOUSE FALLS DOWN
President Obama, the congress and the media are bewildered by increasing employment losses and no help wanted or needed signs.
What about the stimulus and all the jobs it was going to create?
Government cannot create jobs except by hiring more government bureaucrats. It can lose jobs through raising taxes, and creating regulation that takes away resources and productive time. It can clear the field by lowering taxes and reducing red tape which would help economic activity which encourages employment.
Obama and the congress are paralyzing the economy because of the specter of the government's big foot poised to stomp down on the economic hose with a runaway train of debt and legislation- cap and trade, rising taxes, blowing up health care. They have made everyone too nervous to do anything besides hoard cash.
How are jobs created? If you go into business, you need a product or service to sell and you need customers to buy. You could do all the work yourself but the number of customers you can serve is limited. You multiply your efforts by getting help by buying someone else's work services. This leaves you more time doing the most important thing- getting and keeping customers while you pay others to make the products, supply the services, take care of the office work, keep the books, and provide expertise that you don't have. You are the customer of the employees who sell their work to you .
If customers disappear or stop buying as much from you, you need fewer people to help. If the government thinks of new ways to grab money and time, the less customers you can take care of and the less help you need. Unless the government wants to buy up every product and service you can produce, they aren't creating jobs and even if they did they are destroying jobs somewhere else taking their money to give to you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ARE MY TWO FRONT TEETH
They call it Black Friday. They should call it Black and Blue Friday. The crowds were lined up for the bargains as the stores open at some ungodly hour.
Apparently, in order to find bargains for Christmas presents in recent years you have to go out and risk getting into fisticuffs with other bargain hunters.
Just imagine, the warm feelings Christmas Morning when you say-"Merry Christmas, I had to crack a guy's skull to get 'dis for ya."
I was in line at 4AM at the door of the MATTRESS STORE for the day after Thanksgiving Early Bird Specials. Unfortunately things got nasty. I got into a pillow fight.
SHOP BLACK FRIDAY IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
You can get the Friday After Thanksgiving Bigs Deals without leaving your house. Many of the big stores started offering them online on Thanksgiving Day. If you really want to get in the Christmas spirit you can get up at 3 AM. While you are ordering, you could have one of your visiting relatives try to shove you out of your chair.
PASS THE .... HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
There were no mashed potatoes and gravy at the first Thanksgiving dinner, but they had plenty of eels.
Potatoes did not reach North America until 1700s and were looked upon as unchristian in Europe before the Pilgrims left. Potatoes were the "devil's apples" because they grew underground.
HAVING A HAPPY THANKSGIVING BY TRYING TO MAKE ME UNHAPPY
Every holiday wet blanket killjoys show up on TV. For Thanksgiving, food nags tell me that everything I plan to eat is bad. I'm not supposed to go to a movie Thanksgiving night after eating a 5000 calorie dinner because a bucket of movie theater popcorn is another 1700 calories. Self appointed mythbusters tell me some new horrible fact about the Pilgrims. This year someone claims they were grave robbers. The Pilgrims didn't have buckles on their hats because buckles weren't invented for another 40 years. What do they want? For me to be depressed and contemplating slitting my throat?
Next, they'll be telling me not to take my brass knucks with me when I line up at 4 AM for the Black Friday bargain sales.
I'll have another piece of pie, please. What time is the football game?
HOW TO SPEND THANKSGIVING HOMELESS AND IN THE BURN UNIT
Turkey fried in peanut oil is moist and delicious, but most shouldn't try to make it at home. Here are a few rules to remember,
Don't fry the turkey in the house unless you want to burn it down for the insurance money.
Don't fry a frozen turkey unless you want a volcono erupting in your face.
Test the displacement the turkey will make when you drop it in the liquid. You don't want the hot oil to overflow the top of the pot like the HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME when you lower the turkey.
Wear gloves that cover your entire arms.
Forget it. Buy one someone else fried or go out to eat.
If you are not having mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving I ain't coming.
LAWYERS AND LIBERALS WILL GET US KILLED
2/3 of Americans are against moving terrorists to New York City. You can add some of those that never have an opinion, so that's a wide majority against. Why do it? There are far too many risks for too few benefits Wishful thinking that an invisible world citizen will think we are wonderful for doing it? There would be near zero risks holding the trials at Gitmo and the only cries would have been from the few loudmouths with an agenda.
How can trying terrorists in New York instead of Gitmo be stopped? Someone in Congress can sneak a provision against it in a bill. It has become crystal clear that Congress never reads any bill before voting, so it should be easy.
IF SOMEONE COULD JUST HAVE A HEART ATTACK, JUST THINK OF ALL THE FREE PUBLICITY
They have their own ambulance parked in the parking lot. The waitresses wear nurse's uniforms and will push you to your car in a wheelchair after your meal. They serve Bypass Burgers with multiple half-pound beef patties and french fries fried in lard. You can pick up packs of unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes. You can quench your thirst with Jolt Cola or booze. If you weigh more than 350 pounds YOU EAT FREE. It's the HEART ATTACK GRILL in Chandler, Arizona
They offer the Heart Attack Grill Diet Plan. For $499, you can eat there for a year. The owner claims he ate a Double Bypass (2 patties and five slices) with a shot of tequila everyday for a month and lost 30 pounds.
THAT'S MY BOY!
Who is President Obama's biggest fan? Fidel Castro. Castro has a man crush on Obama and loves his policies. He writes glowingly about him at least once in each of his weekly essays. He is like a proud papa bragging about his son. Castro is afraid that Obama will be a one term president as disgusting free market forces mount against him. Is it true that it takes one to know one? Does Castro have a giant Obama picture hanging in his room next to his own?
WHO CARES IF IT WAS A LITTLE PITCHY, DAWG
Any tone deaf pretty face can become a pitch perfect singing sensation and pop princess by being Auto-Tuned. Rappers, Britney, and any Disney Channel show star can have a hit record with a little help from their best friend. Just listen for that light saber like sound attached to a vocal either slight or exaggerated.
Auto-Tune was invented by an EXXON engineer as a tool for finding oil deposits. He discovered that it could be used to put bad singing back in tune and many a career has flourished.
Fifty years ago, Marni Nixon made a good living dubbing the song parts in movie musicals for great actresses whose singing sounded best in the shower. Her modern day counterparts have been given the bum's rush by software.
WE'RE OUT OF ENVELOPES I ATE THEM ALL
The makers of BACON SALT have announced a new product- Bacon flavored envelopes named MMMvelopes. The damage: $6.99 FOR 25, $14.99 for 75. Cheaper than a bag of something from the snack machine. Will we become a country of folks licking flavored envelopes like crack addicts or huffing Fabreze from the carpet and furniture?
BAD HOUSEKEEPING SEAL OF APPROVAL
Quintin Crisp an English writer, monologist, actor and raconteur lived in an apartment in London for over forty years. He moved to New York City and lived in an apartment there for the next twenty years. At both apartments he never did any housework believing it was a waste of time. He famously quipped-
"After the first four years the dust doesn't get any worse"
Why take a bath. Fish are always in the water and they still stink.
OH WHERE OH WHERE COULD THE JOBS BE?
WEALTH = WORK X TOOLS
Your tools multiply the amount you work to create a greater output You can dig a hole with a shovel. You can dig a big hole in less time with power shovel. You need a lot of time and a lot of help to dig a hole with spoons.
Obama, Nancy and Harry's ideas kill the incentive to work plus they want to replace the most productive tools with third or fourth rate tools.
1/3 of the earth's population lives without electricity. The quality of their lives and life span improves exponentially with its addition.
Give me a place to stand and a lever long enough and I will move the earth.
--Archimedes
IS GOLD THE NEW BEANIE BABIES ?
The price of gold is skyrocketing because dumb people that don't understand what they are doing have jumped in. Like Beanie Babies, house flipping and other money making fads. the price zooms up until there are no more suckers, then it heads back down to its real value. When they start heavy advertising on television, you know that you have missed the boat and are joining the lemmings soon to be leaping off the cliff.
Nancy Pelosi seemed quite pleased with herself after steamrolling the squeaker passage of a health care bill late on a Saturday night. She doesn't have too many years before it says she must have her little chat with death panel/ending-your-life convincer. Good thing she has a permanent cosmetic frozen grin.
GOLD HOARDER'S PRIMER
Gold keeps reaching record high prices. Some banks are starting to hoard gold and
many people are hoarding gold or thinking about it. India just bought 200 million tons of it. How much does a gold bar weigh? The gold bars that GOLDFINGER was planning to ruin in Fort Knox were standard bars held by most of the world's central banks. They weigh 400 ounces and now worth over $400,000 each. On a recent TV show, I saw a rich guy pay a doctor with a gold bar. This is a bar sold to investors that weighs 1000 grams. This equals over 35 ounces and is worth over $35,000.
Dump leftover candy into pie shell. The more chocolate the better. Fill to top. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes. Let the pie cool and set up for about an hour.
WHAT IS A NIMROD?
The original meaning is different than the common modern meaning of someone like Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi. A Nimrod is a mighty hunter named after a biblical king. There is a Michigan high school team called the Watersmeet Township Nimrods, named in 1904, which does big business selling school merchandise nationwide.
In teenage slang a stupid foolish person is a nimrod- "What nimrod left the lid off the butter." This started when Bugs Bunny called Elmer Fudd a "poor little nimrod" when Elmer was "huntin' wabbits." This took over because it is an insult that sounds nasty.
HOW MANY TONS OF FAT
Like a nutrition label on a bag of potato chips, Congress should put tax labels on their bills showing how many taxpayers' tax payments are being spent/squandered to fund it.
Everyone is bickering over the public/government option in the health care bills. How about a public opt out of government health care where you aren't trapped by health care that sucks.
CAPITOL HILL BOILER ROOM
A time share sales closing room is more honest and transparent than Nancy Pelosi, Harry Ried and their henchman railroading their health care bills through congress.
They don't need Death Panels. Obama and his congress are legislating us into insurmountable crushing debt, permanent unemployment, socialism and hopelessness; everyone, like the Russians, will be driven to alcoholism and will drink themselves to an early death.
MARK IT ON YOUR 2010 CALENDAR
It was National Sandwich Day- November 3rd - proclaimed in honor of John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich's birthday, the man credited for being the first to put hunks of meat between two slices of bread as to not interupt his card game.
THEY DON'T THINK LIKE US
David Rohde, New York Times reporter was captured by the Taliban in the Waziristan region of Pakistan last November and escaped by bribing the guards and scaling a 20 foot wall in June. He says that all of his captors said they hate America and are fighting because Americans are in Afghanistan to convert all Muslims to Christianity. They are still fighting the 13th century Crusades. The Afghanis that help Americans they hate worse. They have almost no knowledge of anything outside their own small world and the little they do know isn't so.
His captors kept arguing about killing him. Rohde lied and told them he was worth a lot to them alive, maybe $25 million. The greedy Taliban leader started calling him his "golden rooster."
He asked kids brainwashed in the Madrasahs what they wanted to be when they grew up. They said they wanted to be suicide bombers. Getting to heaven is their goal and the sooner the better.
NOBODY ENVISIONED SOMEONE WOULD CHEAT A WELL INTENTIONED GOVERNMENT PROGRAM
--Eric Holder, Attorney General of United States
It is more like- Scoundrels and Scalawags can't wait for the next well intentioned government program to cheat.
SIXTY MINUTES had a segment about Medicare fraud. Scammers set up medical supply storefronts in seedy strip centers, buy lists of people on Medicare
at ten bucks a name and start working the list billing Medicare for the most expensive reimbursement items - motorized wheel chairs, prosthetic arms and legs, etc. By law Medicare must pay in 15 to 30 days. They bilk the government for millions before they get a letter saying they are going to be checked out for irregularities in 30 days. They close up faster than the fake bookie parlor in the STING, then open up somewhere else under a new name and start working the same list.
The recent first time home buyer $8000 rebate has had 70,000 fraudulent claims out of 400,000 applications. This included 3,000 illegal aliens and 52 IRS agents. Some applications had names of 4 year olds. The paperwork was basically- I bought a house, send the money here.
Our economic collapse was caused by a well intentioned government program. Banks were forced to make sub prime loans to people who didn't have to prove they could pay it back. The loans were quickly sold into a long chain of money scams with the government ultimately holding the bag. Read the fairy tale DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
A certain community organizing group in the news appears to operate one stop shops for guildiance on how to game well intentioned government programs.
A well intentioned government program is a rip off ready to happen. We haven't even mentioned how much is skimmed off before it gets to the public.
A MONSTER BY ANY OTHER NAME
BORIS KARLOFF's real name was William Henry Pratt. He never legally changed it and signed all papers with his real name. He was known as a kid as Billy Pratt. By all accounts he was not a monster but was a heckuva nice guy.
A MESSAGE FROM PEOPLE FOR ETHICAL TREATMENT OF PUMPKINS
It is the time of year when there is much cruelty to pumpkins. Just watch this great ugliness:
BOO!!!
Originally, Halloween was the day when the peasants dressed in costumes, usually opposite of their station in life, would knock on the door of the Lord of the Manor for trick or treats. If they didn't get a treat, then the lord would get a trick like getting his manor set on fire.
Be careful at Halloween parties this year and pass on BOBBING FOR SWINE FLU
MAKE IT STOP. I'LL TALK. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Who needs waterboarding when you can break a GITMO detainee with annoying music. Pearl Jam and Nine Inch Nails are mad. They are demanding that the use of their music cease and GITMO be immediately closed.
The GITMO mix tape also features the Bee Gees, the MEOW MIX jingle and Barney the Dinosaur's I LOVE YOU.
They could try breaking a terrorist with MR BAD IDEAS' IPOD and a Hillary Clinton speech.
WHY? is the most powerful word in the world.
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP
The WALL STREET JOURNAL just had an article about how to get more and better sex in your marriage. Their recommendation is way behind afternoon talk shows. According to the talk shows nothing turns on a wife more more than her lazy slob husband actually doing some housework. If he would wash the dishes or scrub the toilet, she would get hotter than the 4th of July. It would be like a night in Las Vegas. It would be like the Tag or Axe man's perfume commercial.
But take my advice. Don't be helpful and take your wife's clothes out of the washing machine and dry them in the dryer for her. If you ruin something by drying it wrong, it will be like a night outside with the dog.
DONUT SHOPS NEED BAILOUT
In August, 1917, soldiers huddled in a camp near Montiers, France. They were tired, hungry, shell-shocked and soaked from 36 consecutive days of rain. In a tent near the front lines, the Salvation Army made donuts by filling a garbage pail with boiling oil. They made dough with left over flour and other ingredients they could find. They used a wine bottle as a rolling pin. The Salvation Army girls used a baking powder tin for a cutter end a camphor tube for punching the holes. They fried the donuts seven at a time in soldier's steel helmets. Later, a seven-pound shell fitted with a one-pound shell was used to cut out the donut holes.
Rain kept falling and the water-soaked tent collapsed, but the 100 donuts made that first day were a big hit. Soon, as many as 500 soldiers stood in muck outside the tent waiting for the new taste and, before long, 9,000 donuts were being made daily. The tent became the first 24-hour donut shop.
Word spread. Soon, the, Salvation Army was making donuts wherever the war was being fought. Donuts were taken to the front lines, and some pilots even dropped notes asking for donuts for their troops.
After the war, the 'doughboys' brought back the taste for donuts with them. They kept asking bakers for donuts which were virtually unknown in the states. One by one, bakeries added them, and donuts became a national craze and a new breakfast staple.
One way businesses are economizing to stave off having to lay people off is- NO MORE FREE DOUGHNUTS FOR EMPLOYEES.
This is going to hit doughnut shops hard. They may not survive. Get the federal checkbook ready or face a doughnutless future.
TALKING TO VOLLEYBALLS
The most remote inhabited spot on earth is in the Atlantic Ocean halfway between Brazil and South Africa. It is part of the United Kingdom, but is almost impossible to visit and the residents won't allow you to move there. It is the volcanic island named Tristan da Cunha.
Tristan da Cunha was named after the Portuguese explorer that spotted it in 1506 but didn't bother to stop. All of the 271 residents are British citizens and descendants of shipwrecked sailors who arrived there in the early 1800s. There are only seven family names on the island. The original settlers were from England or the U.S. except for one Italian. There isn't much choice for finding someone to marry, so most are married to a second cousin with the limited gene pool resulting in a high asthma rate.
Most of the island is a cone shaped volcanic rock except for a small patch of flatland on the northwest coast. There is no airport and ships stop there only about eight times a year. They only get their mail once a year.
Tristan da Cunha's main industry is fishing lobsters and printing Tristan da Cunha postage stamps that are collected around the world. They raise their own food by grazing cattle in a communal pasture and grow potatoes in a community potato patch.
Tristan da Cunhans got television with one channel in 2001 (I bet they are suckers for infomercials) and internet in 2006.
Tristan da Cunha has a semi-tropical climate with a near constant temperature.
The islanders frequently feel the brunt of Atlantic storms. The gusts of wind once were once so strong that they blew the cows and sheep from the pasture into the ocean.
VOTE FOR FAST EDDIE
I watched the local mayoral debate the other night so I could see who was running. The old mayor was term limited and I had no idea who had thrown their hat in the ring. Of course, it was a bunch of city councilmen and the city treasurer. There wasn't a dimes difference in what they were for. They all promised to fill the potholes, fix the pipes, pick up the trash, prevent crime by hiring policemen, and would create a bunch of good jobs.
The only way a mayor can create jobs is to steal businesses from other cities. So, my vote should go to the shiftiest one- the biggest sneak and corrupter.
The next day, a commercial came on TV for an adjacent county. They were advertising that they were interested in stealing businesses from my city. They said their county was great and would make you a sweet deal if you would move your business there. We should steal their head honcho and make him mayor. He is on the job and bold as brass.
WHERE'S THE BEEF
Tough economic times are making restaurants look for ways to give you smaller portions for the same price without you noticing. Restaurant consultants are suggesting:
Get smaller plates (so smaller portions look the same size)
Use lighter-weight spoons and fork (so the food feels heavier).
Serve shrimp on skewers (so it doesn't curl up and will look larger)
They also suggest taking out an ounce or two of the meat portions and cutting them into two pieces, then fill the plates with more low cost starchy food (potatoes anyone?) and vegetables. I have always suspicioned that all-you-can eat buffets know a way to make mashed potatoes expand once they hit your stomach.
They could go with the tried and true. Have lots of really good bread and rolls. I sometimes eat so many rolls I could care less about the entree. How do you think Olive Garden stays in business- salad and bread sticks. Who goes for the food?
SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY
Fast Food restaurants buy fish that is fished because wild fish has a stronger taste. It tastes fishier. Faced with a shortage of fished fish they are having to turn to farm raised fish. To make the fish taste like wild fish they are adding fish flavoring at the processing plant. Fish flavored fish.
WHO WAS NOBEL?
Alfred Nobel was the inventor of dynamite. His father invented plywood. Hmmm. Was there a deep seeded resentment causing Alfred to want to blow up building materials?
THE MAN THAT COULD HAVE BEEN RICHER THAN BILL GATES
Or could he? Is the secret of success being smart or determined? The world is full of brilliant failures. This is the story of two men. One was probably smarter. The other was definitely more determined.
WHAT IS TAKING FEMA SO LONG? THE PRESIDENT HATES US!
St. Joseph was once the largest town in Florida. It was a busy port. It was located in the Florida panhandle and was a straight shot across the bay from New Orleans. Then, a ship came in with passengers suffering with yellow fever. They infected the town and three quarters of the population died. A short time later, in 1842, a hurricane blew through and wiped out the buildings. The survivors left for safer places and no one ever came back. There is nothing remaining but a memory.
PITIFUL ... JUST PLAIN PITIFUL
The Kook theory held by some in our society is the US landing a man on the moon was a hoax. They believe the moon walks were done in a TV studio. NASA's latest moon adventure will do nothing to dissuade them. NASA "claims" they just crashed a rocket into the moon looking for water. I watched the coverage of the "crash". I was looking forward to some STAR WARS' like pyrotechnics. All I got was the NASA control room sounding happy. The TV only showed a black patch below some craters with nary a flicker.
"It crashed into that black area", they said,
then they threw up blurry color supposedly infrared scan. "See that red spot. That proved it crashed!" The trailing spacecraft's, sent to suck up the debris to analyze and hold the TV camera,
video feed suddenly went white. "It's going through the debris!" Suddenly, coverage switched to the mission control room where they were applauding and giving a standing ovation.
Was this a poor man's performance and a hoax on the cheap because of NASA belt tightening? We need a big money production value show when we are being hoodwinked.
If it truly was a fraud, we can be comforted that no Moon Maidens were harmed.
LONELY? MAKE A NEW BEST FRIEND
Make a sourdough starter. Mix up equal parts flour and water in a bowl or a jar then put it on a table or on the back porch and wait for it to catch some wild yeast. Yeast is hanging around everywhere. Apparently, the best sourdough bread comes from San Francisco because they have tasty yeast floating around. After it starts bubbling, you start feeding it like it is one of your children or your dog. You throw away half of it everyday then add more flour and water. If you keep it in the refrigerator- once a week.
The only other thing you have to do is pour off the HOOCH. Hooch is a layer of watery liquid (often dark) that contains alchohol. It smells a bit like beer, because it is a bit like beer - but don't drink it!
If you're lucky and you take care of it, your sourdough starter can live for years or centuries. You can give it a name. You can start talking to it like Tom Hanks talked to his volleyball in CASTAWAY.
SEND IN THE GUYS IN THE WHITE COATS
The White House paraded 150 doctors into the Rose Garden to say they were in favor of the health care bill. They all wore white coats that were mostly passed out to them by the White House trying to use imagery to implant the impression that "doctors are fer it." Another name for it is HUMBUG.
The majority of doctors are "agin it". Most of the doctors (not sure if they were all actually doctors) there were big Obama contributors or from non-profit organizations.
Nathan Handwerker, who started Nathan's hot dog stand in Coney Island in 1916, used to have guys in white coats sitting around eating his hot dogs to give the impression doctors thought his hot dogs were better for you than Feltman's, his old boss.
BAH HUMBUG!
You probably only hear humbug uttered when Ebeneezer Scrooge says it at the annual A CHRISTMAS CAROL performance.
Humbug is a word that we don't use much anymore even though our current world is full of them. The Wizard of Oz was a humbug. PT Barnum was a humbug. The Duke and the King from HUCKLEBERRY FINN were humbugs. A humbug is someone who puts on big showy displays in an attempt to deceive. Con artists, flim flammers, snake-oil salesmen, Bernie Madoffs, politicians, political spinners, imposters and Al Gore. They are everywhere without a polite name to call them.
Probably 90% of what you hear everyday is humbuggery.
READ THE BILL
Everyone is in an uproar because congress seems willing to vote on health care, cap and trade, and recent insane spending 1000+ page bills without reading them. I have come to realize that this is nothing new. They never read the bills. They have never read the bills. In private, they snicker when they hear the yokels, chawbacons and rubes yell READ THE BILL. That is why any of them can sneak in all kinds of damn things and pork projects. They have been found out. Before, the general public never paid much attention to what they were up to and only found out after it was too late.
PISH POSH
Senator Baucus claims his tree trunk wide health care bill couldn't be put up on the web for all to read because it would be too difficult. BALDERDASH. The days for excuses like that are gone. Does he still listen to 8 track tapes? Accessible technology has passed lame excuses and everyone knows it. GOOGLE is attempting to digitize every book in the world. They can upload multi-thousand pages of documents in a snap.
OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER
America's first jet airplane, the XP-59A, first flew on October 1, 1942. It was a Top Secret project located at Edwards AFB. When the dry lake flooded, they had to move it by truck covered up and disguised with a giant dummy wooden propeller on the front.
On one test flight the jet was spotted by P-38 pilots flying from Van Nuys Airport. The P-38 pilots reported seeing an airplane with no propeller. Everyone was skeptical but the story circulated. On a subsequent flight, the test pilot of the XP-59A dressed up in a gorilla mask, wore a derby hat and smoked a cigar. He made a point to fly next to the P-38 pilots and waved at them. When the P-38 pilots got back to the base, they told everyone about the plane with no propeller flown by a gorilla wearing a derby and smoking a cigar. Their report was met with total disbelief, so the airplane remained a secret until after the war
CONGRESS SHOULD VOTE THEMSELVES AN IMMEDIATE LONG VACATION
How can there be an expectation of an economic recovery or a full employment picture with Congress working on changing and taxing everything. Congress gives every signal that they have no idea what they are doing and are cooking up one giant mess.
With all of this uncertainty nobody is going to do nuthin. Everyone is going to conserve the money they still have and businesses are not going to hire anyone and only keep the employees they have until they can't.
Waiting for improvement because of wasteful government spending is wishful thinking. Stop It. Stop All of It.
TIME TO END THE GRAVY TRAIN
The United Nations is a place where a pissant can go to feel important, live in luxury, disrupt traffic and bad mouth the United States. Crackpot dictators who love the sound of their own voice get a forum to rant incoherently and endlessly to a new captive audience.
According to real estate experts. if we turned the United Nations' building in New York City into condos they could be sold (pre economic meltdown prices) for $3.5 million each. The 14,000 square foot residence Kofi Annan lived in provided by the UN would fetch $19 million. The new Secretary-General is living in a hotel while there is a $4.9 million renovation.
Libyan goofball Gaddafi (why does the newsmedia no longer designate him as Libyan strongman) offered, during his recent rambling UN address, to let them move the UN to Libya, probably so he could pitch his tent permanently on the lawn and nobody could say anything about it.
There are 32 ways to spell Muammar Gaddafi/Khaddafi/Qaddafi's name.
WAS THAT AN ATOMIC BOMB OR A BURP
Kobayashi, the wiry Japanese gluttony champion, trounced his arch-rival Joey Chestnut to win back the Krystal Square Off in Chattanooga, Tennessee. He downed 93 of the onion laced little beauties in 8 minutes and claimed the $20,000 prize.
Like Nathan's July 4th hot dog eating contest, after it was over the crowd of 10,000 jacked up on hogism instead of politely eating a couple of sliders, bought them by the sackful to imagine they could out eat their heroes. THE GREATEST MARKETING GIMMICK EVER.
MY GAL'S GOT SPLINTERS ON HER BUTT, SHE'S PURDY
Are you endangered of a future without soft cushy toilet paper? The anti-happiness environmental kooks, who got rid of freon, and brought you soon to be mandatory squiggly mercury filled light bulbs, have set their sights on your beloved 2-ply toilet paper. They think 2-ply is the HUMMER of toilet paper and is causing world wide devastation. Single thickness preferably recycled paper with a Sheryl Crow one sheet limit is their ideal. You could use newsprint, but newspapers will all soon be out of business. Could this be their savior instead of government bailouts?
Will there be a a police squad just to ferret out violators? If you are not grumpy and scowling, you could be suspected of black market toilet paperteering.
Why worry about solving global warming or health care end of life convincers? With insurmountable government debt and rough toilet paper, everyone will wish they were dead.
WAL-MART LOGIC
It takes all kinds to make up the world.
Everbody goes to Wal-Mart. You'll see all kinds at Wal-Mart.
Liberal politicians hate WAL-MART. They are always trying to put the kibosh on WAL-MART coming to their town. They would love WAL-MART if it was owned by the government. The problem is it would be run by the government. Many of the shelves would be empty and others would be full of stuff nobody wants to buy.
That rotten WAL-MART has the most efficient distribution system the world has ever seen. Liberal politicians rail about all of the mom and pop stores that charge high prices, pay minimum wage with no benefits that WAL-MART puts out of business.
I hate Wal-Mart, too. Every time I go in to a Wal-Mart to buy something specific, they place bargains in the aisle. "That's a good price. I need that." I always end up with a basketful of stuff that I needed, but when I walked into the store I didn't remember I needed. Damn you Wal-Mart!
FACEBOOK IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING
A dumb 19 year old crook recently broke into a house to steal some stuff. While in the house he saw a computer, so he signed in to his FACEBOOK page. He left with his loot but left the computer and his page open.
EL PRESIDENTE SAYO NO PLAYO GOLFO
Hugo Chavez is not only taking over all of the Venezuelan industries and shutting down dissenting radio and TV stations; he is closing down the golf courses. He says golf is a
bourgeois sport.
Chavez probably hates golf because he has a high handicap and a terrible slice.
He probably hates golf because golfers see his face on the ball before they take a big swat. The closing of the golf courses is throwing hundreds of workers out of a job- "They should be out in the field cutting the cane."
He thinks the only entertainment the people should have is watching the EL PRESIDENTE show where he delivers his weekly 5 hour rants.
If El Presidente wants to sneak in a golf game he can play with his buddies in Cuba. Cuba is building golf courses to entice more tourists.
A LOVE POEM FOR DICTATORS
AND BARACK OBAMA
Who loves a dictator more than a dictator? They have giant pictures of themselves hanging everywhere and give five hour speeches on television. President Obama can't keep himself away from a television camera believing everyone can't wait to see him again and be swayed by his charm and charisma. He thinks he is so great that everyone should agree with him just because he says so. If you don't you're a ... uhh..defective.
Here is a love poem they can recite to themselves to celebrate For-No-Particular-Reason Day:
I love myself, I think I'm grand. When I go to the movies, I hold my hand.
A new book says Michelle Obama used to yell at Barack for leaving ashtrays full of cigarette butts all over the house. His reply was "I'm too busy changing the world to worry about little things like that."
Sounds like the same thing he said about the ACORN shenanigans. He didn't get popped on the head by Michelle for that.
OH YEA ...WELL MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST!
They are now calling those against health care reform and tea partiers RACISTS. This is ridiculous. They are more like MATHISTS- they can add. They are looking out for NUMBER ONE- themselves, their family and their great great grandchildren. They are against what rather than who is doing it to them. They are more against Congress who is 100% responsible for spending. Calling someone a racist is more powerful than claiming they don't like old crones, tax cheats, sawed-off SOBs, shysters or Castro-lovers.
Calling someone names is what happens when you are losing an argument and have no more points. A personal attack is the last hope of poking a hole in the other persons balloon. The argument exits logic and goes to emotion.
The Smothers Brother's comedy act always ended with them arguing. Tommy who played the less bright brother would run out of argument, become flustered then always brought out his go to
"Oh yea ... well mom always liked you best!"
I believe the racism charges are put out there for the people that don't pay attention to the news or current events; they got behind Obama because that was the thing to do. It is for the consumption of those unconcerned with policy details. Those that start repeating it are showing off their shallowness to the world.
I AIN'T BUYING ANY PORK IN NEW JERSEY
A lumberyard is being dug up in Detroit. They are again looking for Jimmy Hoffa, Teamsters boss missing since 1975. For years, the rumor was he was buried in the end zone at the New York Giants' The Meadowlands stadium.
Haven't they ever watched the SOPRANOS? Missing shady characters often went missing into the meat grinder at Satriale's Pork Store.
YOU CAN'T PROVE YOU ARE READING THIS
ACORN was caught red handed on tape helping and giving advice to young non-scruffy activists James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles pretending to be a pimp (dressed in a fur, coat, and sparkly camera sunglasses) and his ho' wanting to buy a house to operate a brothel staffed by underage El Salvadoran girls.
Not once but in at least five locations. ACORN and their apologists reply- you didn't see what you saw. SEE VIDEOS
In the movie GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN circa 1967, Robert Morse teaches Walter Matthau how to cheat on his wife. In one vignette, (deny, deny, deny) a wife catches Joey Bishop in bed with another woman. They get out of bed and start putting on their clothes.
"How could you do this to me?" she asks. "Do what?" he replies as he and the woman continue dressing,
The wife continues asking questions as the woman leaves and he moves to his easy chair in the living room while continuing to give deadpan replies as to having no idea what his wife is talking about. He opens his newspaper and starts reading it like he had been there all the time.
In the end she looks puzzled that she now believes she didn't see what she just saw.
MAKING CHICKEN SALAD
What do you do when they open a tourist attraction outside you apartment window where you have lived for 31 years.
You start the Renegade Cabaret.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAKING A PROFIT?
President Obama acts like he just sucked a rotten lemon when he talks about profits. Michael Moore just made a movie about how bad profits are. Slackers turn against favorite bands that start making money snarking "they've gone commercial." Liberal politicians hate profits except for what they can confiscate in taxes to buy votes with or get free stuff and trips from lobbyists. Too many envy those they perceive make too much.
If you don't have profits, you don't have the things you want and need easily available. Profits make people work extra hard to provide you with goods and services. Profits cause people to invent things and go through the struggle to bring it to the market. If there isn't a quest for profit involved, for example government services, you find apathy and second third rate service.
Health care was cheap when they couldn't do much for you. Now, they can do so much for you and keep finding more nobody can afford it.
CHILI TODAY HOT TAMALE
With probably government grant money well spent,
scientists have found after studying 4500 meat recipes from 36 countries that cultures in hotter climates favor recipes with higher concentrations of anti-microbial spices like garlic, cumin and pepper. They deduced from this that developing a taste for spice made people in hot climates less likely to eat contaminated food.
Spicy food preferences are similar in concentric bands around and parallel to the equator.When you're on the equator you need a different kind of spice to make those proteins last longer in heat. Since spice eating ancestors didn't drop dead from eating rotten food, their progeny's preference for spice is in their DNA.
HOW OLD IS THE CANDY?
Here is a way to tell if a bag of candy might be stale.
Mars: Look at the first three numbers of the ten digit code. The first number is the last number in the year, next two numbers stand for the week of the year. 726 would mean it was made somewhere in the middle of 2007.
Hershey's: There's a 2-character code for the month and year. The year is the last number in the year, the second character is a letter that represents the month. A = January, B = February, etc. 2D is April 2002 and you probably don't want it.
The first time I was at my mother-in-law's house, I was looking through the pantry around lunch time. I saw a can of deviled ham which I had always wanted to try. I almost ate it when my wife told me she remembered that can being in the pantry since the house they lived in fifteen years before. I hope my mother-in-law didn't set it out for the occasion.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dsen't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
They claim that 55 out of 100 people can read the message. 100% of school teachers probably can. The spell check can't. It underlined every word.
IN YOUR FACE SIMON LEGREE
It was Labor Day, but who knows why or cares why it is a holiday. To most it is another day they are out from under the thumb of their tyrannical boss. It is a day for Jerry Lewis on television. It should probably be renamed Jerry Lewis Day or Muscular Dystrophy Telethon Day. It is a day for cookouts. I heard a guy on TV say 28% eat chili? Many consider it the last day of summer. Put away your white clothes.
The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City.
After US military and US Marshals killed a number of strikers during the 1894 Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland made appeasing Labor unions a top priority. Fearing further conflict, legislation making Labor Day a national holiday was rushed through Congress unanimously and signed into law six days after the end of the strike. Another example of a rushed bill becoming something permanent and the reason why forgotten and accepted as that is the way it is.
HELLO. MY NAME IS MR BAD IDEAS AND I AM AN INTERNET ADDICT
For $14,000 you can check in for a 45 day dry out for internet addiction. Located in the Seattle, Washington area just down the street from Microsoft, ReSTART is the first residential treatment center for internet addiction. They will get you off your Twitter, Facebook, World of Warcraft, eBay, chatroom, youtube, shopping, texting, music downloading, porn watching, blogging obsessions, etc. and back living in the limited hum drum real world relating to people in person.
I confess. I am an internet addict. I can't stop
GOOGLING. I can't stop going to Wikipedia and IMDB at the drop of a hat. Mrs Bad Ideas can't stop horse racing. She can't stop hitting her sister with pillows on Facebook, a life long grudge match gone awry.
It has puzzled me why the CASH FOR CLUNKERS program is so complicated. It seems like a straightforward transaction: the customer brings in a car and if it still runs and it is on the bad mpg list, it is turned in to knock off $3500 - $4500 of the price of the new high mpg car. Not so fast. The dealer had to enter the transaction into a bogged down government website for approval. Was the government checking on the clunker? No, it was checking out the purchaser. If the purchaser owed student loans or back income taxes or child support, the government seized the clunker money while the old clunker gets euthanized.
ELIMINATE THE CZARS NOW!
The current ever growing group are mostly commies, radicals, and wackos with extreme views that answer to no one but the president whose appointments avoided any checks and balances by anyone. Who knows what they are up to?
SOMEBODY STOLE MY IDEA
It's that time of the year again, State Fair Time. Food booths will have everything from coke to cupcakes being dropped in the deep fryer. Fair Food is either fried or stuck on a stick or both. Three years ago I wrote about my idea for combining an already unhealthful favorite treat and a stick. COOKIE DOUGH ON A STICK. I read that someone at the Wisconsin State Fair is selling them this year.
Million Dollar Ideas aren't worth two cents unless you do something about them.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
If they fried my invention COOKIE DOUGH ON A STICK they couldn't call it FRIED COOKIE DOUGH ON A STICK because it would be a FRIED COOKIE ON A STICK. That would defeat the purpose because crazy people like Mrs Bad Ideas want to eat cookie dough raw and risk getting worms.
A booth at the Texas State Fair is serving FRIED BUTTER this year. But, that is impossible. It is dipped in batter and fried. The butter melts, so it is just buttering the fried dough. You could call it BUTTERED FRIED DOUGH.
YOUR MEMORIES ARE FADING
Homemade DVDs fade after 6 - 8 years. The metal tarnishes and the laser-sensitive ink fades like the old fax paper on a roll.
VOTE FOR THE PHONE BOOK!
In the next election, the phone book gets my vote.
A Rasmussen Poll found that 42% would prefer people randomly selected from the phone book over the current congress. This new congress would certainly have more common sense, less arrogance and fewer lawyers.
THROW THE BUMS OUT
A Rasmussen Poll found that 57% of voters would vote to replace everybody in Congress.
25% would keep them. This is the hope and change everyone really wants. Would we miss anyone if they weren't there? Is there any reason anyone should be there 30, 40, 50 years? Do we need tax cheats and representatives getting paid for play or paying off ethics commiteemen to look the other way. They start thinking of themselves as royalty. They become as chummy as fraternity brothers. It's like pre 9/11 Afghanistan. The Western Alliance and Taliban would set up and lob mortars at one another all day that never hit anything. Near sundown, they would get on their walkie-talkies call each other some bad names, laugh, then go home until the next day and start over.
If they kicked everyone out of Congress, the expert political pundits on cable wouldn't know anything because they only know how behind the scenes corruption and shenanigans work.
A BELLY FULL OF DIAMONDS
Gallstones fetch $15,000 a pound in China. They are used in millenniums old traditional medicine to help improve liver function. The most prized are from old cows which are the size of golf balls and yellow. Dog gallstones are called "treasure of dogs." There are shops with WE BUY GALLSTONES written on the windows. They say that human gallstones are not used. Sorry, if you were counting your money.
Gallstones are so valuable that slaughterhouse workers who process offal are searched as they leave for the day like diamond mine workers who might attempt to smuggle them out.
ENJOY YOUR RAW-B-Q
It was Labor Day Weekend and the killjoys were again on TV telling me not to fire up the outdoor grill to cook meat with a stampeding global foot print and
everything I intend to eat is bad.
Charcoal was invented by Henry Ford and Thomas Edison. It was originally made from leftover Model A wood.
TED IS DEAD
It is wrong to use Ted Kennedy's death as a new way to ram the health care bill through without discussion. Sympathy and the image of Ted smiling down from heaven is no substitute for examining and understanding a bill that effects your life. Ted is dead. He is gone and has nothing else to say about it.
Democrat politicians are screaming that protesters believe myths. When they stand on the stage at a town hall meeting it becomes clear that many protesters have read the bill and the politician hasn't and has no idea what he is talking about.
Health Care is really cheap when you are dead. Death panels? Who needs them. If you won't pay doctors or drug companies much there won't be anyone there to save you.
THE BIRD STORY
Chip and Gunilla drove to North Carolina to say good-bye to their son who was leaving for Iraq. Sue took the dogs to stay at her house. One day, Sue went to the house to check on the cats. Mrs Bad Ideas went along for the ride. When they got there, they noticed the three cats had knocked a bunch of things over and a bird laying on the sofa. Sue picked it up, held it up to her eyes to examine it. "Is it real?" Sue pondered. "I think it's a decoration." Sue twisted it back and forth in front of her nose while she and Mrs Bad Ideas debated. Sue decided the cats must have pulled it out of an arrangement sitting on the coffee table so she replaced it in the center. Gunilla arrived home from her trip and Sue returned her dogs. Gunilla asked Sue if she had seen a bird loose in the house? It had pooped all over the place. A shocked Sue pointed at the arrangement.
I'M NOT WORTHY
If you meet someone famous, you tell everyone you know. The famous person doesn't tell anyone they met you. However, they will tell the police if you are a psycho and you will be famous to them.
GETTING ALL WE-WEED UP
When Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was asked what President Obama meant when he said, "in August, everyone in Washington is always getting all we-weed up", Gibbs said it meant wetting the bed. It seems to me it means wetting your pants.
Here is a new thought to get "we-weed up" about. If they are successful passing the health care reform bill in its current form, which will cause earlier deaths because of government refusal to pay for life saving drugs and procedures plus "end your life" encouragement; will liberal politicians, always looking for new money to grab, pass legislation to lower estate (death) tax exemptions so they can confiscate most the flood of the newly minted deceased's estates?
I know this may seem cynical and conspiratory, but they look at working Americans as unexhaustable source of money and money not taxed is money the government ALLOWS you to keep. You should be ashamed to want to keep that money when they have so many better uses for it, like buying votes.
BE MY VAMP or, in search of my Ari Gold
Why do some people become superstars while some people with more talent remain in obscurity. The superstar has been VAMPED.
A vamp is an advance man, a promoter, someone who touts your virtues at every opportunity who is fully dedicated to your success. The vamp is the ringmaster in every circus.
Brian Epstein vamped the Beatles. Colonel Parker vamped Elvis. Don King vamped Muhammad Ali into the spotlight. American Idol vamps its contestants. Ron Popeil vamped the Veg-o-matic in commercials. Website links vamp other websites. The movie JULIE AND JULIA has vamped Julia Child's 50 year old cookbooks to the top of the bestseller list.
Oprah vamped Barack Obama, then the news media took over vamping him until believers attached super human qualities to him. Unfortunately the president is not a vamp. Instead of promoting the greatness of his country and its people he goes around the world telling people how much it sucks. He doesn't even promote the virtues of policies like health care reform. He says you should be for them just because he says so, and that is its downfall.
Here is my plan when I win the lottery. I will take the money in lump sum. I will convert it to cash. I will first buy a mountain and build a fortress at the peak, then I will bury the money all over the top of the mountain. Don't bother me. I don't need any investment advice or deals. I won't need any more money. I don't need the president and congress looking at me like a piggy bank to finance their hare-brained schemes. If anyone comes up there after me looking for my money, I will roll rocks down on them.
ASK MR BAD IDEAS
David S: But, what will you do after you've rolled ALL of the rocks down the mountain. Surely, you won't have an infinite supply of rocks. Yeah, you could hire a helicopter to deliver more rocks, but there's the risk that you may not be able to trust the helicopter pilot and they may try to drop the rocks on top of you. Just something to think about.
MR BAD IDEAS:
Hmmm. I haven't planned ahead to consider the consequences of running out of rocks. It seemed like a good idea. Maybe I should buy a volcano.
Cash for Clunkers and destroying perfectly good cars does not stimulate the economy. Wrecking industries so you can divert it to so called "good green jobs" industries does not stimulate the economy. Bulldozing half the town so you can rebuild it does not stimulate the economy. A punk throwing a brick through your window does not stimulate the economy. Find out why?
Obama wants to convince you he will cause the economy to recover by breaking windows. If you voted for Obama because you thought it would be stylish or cute, WAKE UP!
FOR THE CHEEEL-DRUUUN
It is once again time for the state government's idea for buying good will. Every August, many states have a SALES TAX FREE DAY for back to school items instead of just lowering sales tax rates. They'll figure out some other way to wring that money out of you the rest of the year. Parents will jam the stores and load up. They'll be interviewed for television while standing in the check out line and say how thankful they are to the "guvmint". If the stores ran an ad announcing everything 8% off today, nobody would bother.
(HEALTH) CARE FROM CLUNKHEADS
They are playing word games in the health care debate calling one choice the "public option." What does that mean? It doesn't spur any concrete image and keeps everyone befuddled about what is being discussed. It is really the "government option." They can't use that because it would immediately conjure up "money wasting failures."
IT SOUNDS LIKE ENGLISH BUT
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
The politically correct change simple high impact words into silly multi-word phrases that don't mean anything to anybody in attempts to not offend someone who is most likely not offended.
Recently, sensitive civil servants in Britain decided the expression "brainstorm" is potentially offensive to people who have epilepsy or some other brain condition. They recommend using word storm, thought shower or ideas shower. The staff of DETI in Belfast use the term "thought-showers" when they get together to think creatively.
The National Society for Epilepsy in the U.K.
contacted people with epilepsy and the overwhelming response was that "brainstorming" didn't offend them.
BEING RULE NUMBER TWELVED
If you speak out against something a progressive/liberal/socialist/communist is pushing hard for they invoke RULE NUMBER TWELVE and you will get slimed and called all kinds of names: teabagger, racist, nazi, un-American, nuts, dimwitted and other vile things. Anyone standing in their way is dealt with per their playbook, Saul Alinsky's RULES FOR RADICALS:
Rule 12: Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it and polarize it. Cut off the support network and isolate the target from sympathy. Go after people and not institutions; people hurt faster than institutions. (This is cruel, but very effective. Direct, personalized criticism and ridicule works.)
Some that have been RULE NUMBER TWELVED are town hall protesters, George Bush, Sara Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, Tea Party protesters, Katherine Harris, Joe the Plumber, Carrie Prejean, Prop 8 advocates, the Cambridge cop, etc.
RULE NUMBER TWELVED should be the new buzzword/catch phrase. Maybe if it becomes worn out the tactic will be ridiculed and there will be less demonizing of folks with an opinion or doing their job.
SPILLIN' THE BEANS
Democrat operatives now TV pundits are coming out of the woodwork to claim they invented Astroturfing or fake grassroots protests. They are telling on themselves on how they had protesters on call and for hire, or union thugs ready for TV news opportunities. They have been in the delusion business so long they are delusional about recognizing genuine outrage. Leftist protesters have long been the same scraggly bunch (no nukes, no war, no that, no this) or folks looking for the next opportunity to get naked in public. Mobilizing Republicans to protest anything is like trying to mobilize a herd of cats.
Geraldine Ferraro tried to compare town hall protesters to protesters mobilized to protest turning over the Panama Canal when she was in Congress. This is apples and oranges. Not many people were screaming at their televisions about the Panama Canal. The current congressional shenanigans directly affects everyone's lives. People are desperate to get congress to listen to them about not doing it.
What do think about the national debt?
It's something to be proud of; it's the biggest in the world, isn't it?
--Gracie Allen running for president in 1940 as Surprise Party candidate
ERROR 404: Object Not Found
When they were inventing the World Wide Web,
they started it on the closed internal network of their Swiss research facility at CERN. The scientists used the different offices of CERN to house different functions of the protocol.
The fourth floor, in Room 404, contained the Worldwide Web's central database. All requests for files were routed to that office, where a couple of people would manually locate the requested files and transfer them over the network.
The database started to grow, and the number of requests that could not be fulfilled also grew because more requests were typed with the wrong file name. These faulty requests were answered with a standard message: Room 404: File not found.
As the processes were automated, ID's for error messages remained linked to the physical location where the process took place: 404: File not found.
When CERN released HTTP, the room numbers remained in the error codes and are still displayed when a browser makes a faulty request.
THE NEW YORK STATE THRUWAY IS CLOSED, MAN
This weekend marks the 40th anniversary of the original NAPSTER. 186,000 bought tickets for the three day music festival at Max Yasgur's farm in Bethel New York. They paid $18 a piece. Most of the rest of the 500,000 got in free after an anarchist group (who decided music should be free) cut a hole in the fence. Woodstock lost the young promoter's (rich family) money, but they eventually became profitable from the movie and soundtrack sales. Many bands passed on appearing because they could make more money elsewhere or didn't see the worth of playing before a bunch of hippies sitting in the mud.
BEATEN UP BY WRITING THUGS
I will never place the period outside of the quotation mark, again. It doesn't seem right to quote a couple of words at the end of a sentence, then be required to put the period inside of it. I knew the rule but didn't like it. There must be an exception. I never bothered to check. I was happy to assume in my ignorant bliss.
I subscribe to RSS feed for DAILY WRITING TIPS and it had a whole article on the subject. DWT says "no exceptions". Mrs. Bad Ideas, English teacher and writing rule know it all, vehemently says there is no exception
to the rule. I said I like my way. She said, "people like me and their exceptions to the rules are why the English language is a mess", then she gave me an "F".
EMPTY PASSENGERS ARE LESS ANGRY PASSENGERS
It happened again. 47 passengers were trapped inside a Continental jet, parked on the taxiway at the Rochester, Minnesota airport for 9 hours. For some reason, it is against the rules to return to the terminal and let everyone off. The time limit ran out and they did take the crew off and replaced them with another.
As this is a common occurrence, why doesn't the airlines take care of the basic logistics of transporting a human anywhere? People need bathrooms. It is the number one complaint for being trapped on a motionless plane followed by shutting the air conditioner off and hunger and thirst. The tiny bathroom quickly reaches overflow and the plane soon smells like a sewer.
There are portable bathrooms built on an 18 wheeler trailers. They are often set up at big society charity soirees. Some are posher than the cans in the mansions they are parked next to. Couldn't they have one on standby at airports to wheel out to stranded planes?
Is this too much to ask? The passengers will be saying "Wow, did you see those bathrooms?" and less about how they are going to murder somebody.
MY NEW CAR IS A '53 STUDEBAKER
Cuba is having a toilet paper crisis and may not have sufficient supplies until the end of the year. This may lead to a banana leaf shortage and tobacco diverted from cigar rolling. They might impose the Sheryl Crow rationing plan.
Cuba is broke. They must import most of everything they need because state owned industry is not productive enough. They blame the United States and its free market plenty for refusing to trade with them.
Raul Castro has taken various un-communistlike
steps to boost output, including putting more state-owned land in private hands and pushing for salaries to be based on productivity.
Mobilizing Republicans to protest anything is like trying to mobilize a herd of cats.
NANCY PELOSI IS UN-AMERICAN
Nancy Pelosi says anyone who is against her health care bill is un-American and calls protesters at town hall meetings Nazis. Dissent is the ultimate in being American. The government can't take you out and shoot you like in most of the world. Denying our right to disagree is un-American.
President Obama and the congress are acting like high pressure door-to-door salesmen demanding the passage of trillion dollar bills immediately or the world will collapse.
Debate HA. We don't need no stinkin debate.
None of them has the chance to read them and they are forced to vote while their head is still spinning. They think it is funny that they don't read them. Federal law gives you three days to back out on any deal you sign with a door-to-door peddler. We are not as lucky.
Who wrote the damn thing. Go through it and debate what has merit and what doesn't. It is going to rule over our lives. It is important that it is not crap.
We should force congress to read these giant bills, first. They should all have to go home and set up a townhall meeting. Every single one should be forced to sit up front while their constituents take turns reading every single word to them. If the congessman dozes off or looks like they are not paying attention, touch off a blowhorn in their face.
HAMBURGER CHARLIE
They recently the HAMBURGER FESTIVAL in Seymour, Wisconsin, one of the many places that are fighting it out claiming to be the home of the first hamburger. Hamburger Charlie Nagreen started selling the ground meat on a bun at fairs in 1885 when he was 15 years old and continued until an old age. He did most of the cooking in his booth. When he got tired, or business got slow, an employee would take over the stove and Hamburger Charlie would grab his guitar and start drumming up customers. His pitch:
"Hey you skinny rascals don't you ever eat?"
MY DEAR COMRADES
Comrades. If one of your fellow comrades says something against the health care reform plan or another of your fearless leader's proposed policies or forwards you an insubordinate email, please report them to your fearless leader at flag@whitehouse.gov. The KGB Gulag Czar and IRS may find it quite interesting. Hope and Change be with you.
What is wrong with asking what is in a bill, who wrote it, and why haven't you read it? Don't I have the right to tell you what I don't like about it and how I don't want to be railroaded. Who has the right to insult people, call them a Mobster because they stopped yelling at the TV and went to a meeting to tell someone with the power to do something.
HOW TO MAKE A CONGRESSMAN QUIT
Our representatives are holding town hall meetings during the August recess and getting their ears chewed off. They are shocked and appalled. "Those people are being mean to me". Their imperious delusions causes them to shout IT'S A CONSPIRACY! They are accustomed to showing up to mouth some drivel, do a little glad-handing and collect a few checks. The crowds are having none of their weak explanations, lack of knowledge and excuses for not reading rushed bills. They are used to the sweet life where they don't converse with the riff-raff. They only talk among themselves and lobbyists and feel like royalty in their insulated Washington, DC world. You couldn't blast them out of office.
How can we get some turnover of representation? In this age of easy teleconferencing, why should they be in Washington? Make them stay home and go to work everyday at an office in their district. They will be more convenient for constituents to show up to give them a piece of their mind and less to lobbyists and their goodies. A representative will feel like an employee. It won't be so glamorous. They won't feel inclined to stay for 40 - 50 years. They'll be glad to leave after just a few.
All of Obama's economic stimulus, bailouts, health care, and Cap and Trade plans should be called CASH FOR CLUNKERS.
GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE SAVES MONEY
A Canadian man needed a procedure for his prostate cancer. He was put on a year long waiting list. The doctor told him that in a year he might not need the procedure.
I LIKE SUSHI AS LONG AS IT IS PROPERLY COOKED
The favorite sushi roll at the Blue Fish House II in Sugarland, Texas is called the DEEP FRIED MADNESS. It is fish on top of a sushi roll, both of which have been battered, then deep-fried and covered in a sweet-chili sauce.
YOU REALLY DO LIVE IN A SMALL WORLD
A recent study found that most people spend almost 100% of their time within 20 miles of their house. Only about 3% leave a 200 mile circle and fewer than 1% venture further than 621 miles from their house. I would imagine most people with a long commute have seen what is more than a 1000 feet off the road on their route as often as they have been to the moon, and they see most friends or relatives that live 50 miles away as often as ones that live 1500 miles away.
They did the study by picking 100,000 random anonymous cell phones and collected data on which cell towers the cell phones pinged. This has gotten them into hot water with some privacy advocates.
SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT?
Where did the notion of SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT come from?
Baseball announcer Red Barber used the colorful phrase to describe a batter with a count of three balls and no strikes. The best position to be in. James Thurber wrote a short story called THE CATBIRD SEAT. There is a controversy as to who got it from whom. Barber said he heard it at a poker table in Cincinnati.
The expression probably originated from an area where catbirds live. Catbirds and their cousin mockingbirds head to the highest point in the yard to stake claim on it's territory. They sit up there and start loudly singing just before dawn during nesting season.
TAKE YOUR LITTLE BLUE PILLS
Researchers have discovered that blue M & Ms can help people with spinal cord injuries. Actually, it is the dye that makes them blue, the same stuff that makes Blue Gatorade blue.
Brilliant Blue G, can block a chemical which makes injuries worse by causing inflammation and destroying cells. This "secondary spinal cord damage" often causes more problems than the original injury. The dye can enable walking again.
The scientists have only tested it on rats. The rats showed side effects: their ears, nose and toenails turned blue. Would it deter anyone if the other blue pill did the same?
EAT THIS NOT THAT AKA MR BAD IDEAS' DIET PLAN
Mini-Oreos are a great diet food. They explode in your mouth and make you feel like you just ate a regular size Oreo. It takes 4 Mini-Oreos to equal the calories of one regular size. If you eat a little bag of Minis you'll think you just hogged out on a whole package of Oreos without the shame or the pounds.
SOYLENT GREEN HEALTH CARE PLAN
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!
TCM showed SOYLENT GREEN this weekend. A movie where the government tries to solve overpopulation and hunger problems by requiring everyone who reaches a certain age to head down to the euthanasia center. As soon as you are dead, they pick you up in a trash truck to haul you to the SOYLENT factory to grind you up for food.
Did TCM air it in honor of the health care bill? A great deal of the bill is about what they won't do for you. It takes out compassion and cuts you off when a government bureaucrat deems you too old or not cost effective. No, grandma can't have a new hip or motorized scooter. They will even send a counselor out to convince you to decide to pack it in and get ready for the bone yard.
There are 300,000 Americans over the age of 100 with predictions of 600,000 in the near future. The health care bill will put a stop to that. Willard Scott will be put out of business plus they will make him an appointment at a center.
HOW DRY I AM
A man won a competition beating out 2000 entrants to become a wine taster for six months at $10,000 a month. One of his other duties is to blog about what he tastes. This may not go well:
A Beer Taster in Brazil sued his brewery for turning him into an alcoholic. He claimed they didn't warn him that tasting the equivalent of three pints daily for ten years plus receiving a free bottle of beer after his shift could make him an alcoholic.
The brewery claimed it wasn't their fault because he was already an alcoholic when they hired him. The judge awarded the man $49,000.
The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING IN THERE
A Peeping Tom either looked through the keyhole or drilled a hole in the wall of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews' (PLAYBOY crowned her the sexiest sportsreporter) hotel room and took videos of her walking around in the nude. He put the video on the internet.
A hotel room is the one place most people feel like they have complete privacy. They will do things they would never do at home. They can feel free to be completely naked. Some rest and catch up on sleep, but it is also the place they can have trysts, consort with prostitutes, a site for suicide and an opportunity to unleash all the depravity in their soul.
50% of motel and hotel guests watch pay per view DIRTY movies in their room which results in a large percentage of the hotel's profit. The average viewing time is 12 minutes.
Now, many can spend their stay feeling paranoid, wondering who is watching, why would they do such a thing, and what they have on them so far.
LAWYERS RUIN EVERYTHING
Canada will no longer supply roadkill Mooseburgers. Until recently,
groups submitted their names to the Department of Natural Resources at the beginning of the year. When a runover dead moose was scraped off of the highway, if it wasn't in too bad a shape, they got a call to pick up the moose meat that was ground and made into burger patties. The groups would hold fundraising dinners.
A Newfoundland official said-
"We live in an increasingly litigious society, where some people would take any opportunity to make a buck from someone else's mistake." He said area judges are willing to pass out large awards and you only had to take a look at the records to discover that they have some of the highest settlements in the country.
Today's hip fashion is tomorrow's embarrasssment.
HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE MOON MAIDENS?
The second thing said
July 20, 1969, the day that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon? Or, as conspiracists continue to ask- Did they even go? Where's the proof. Why didn't they bring back any green cheese or a moon maiden.
HOW TO GET YOUR COPYRIGHT BACK THAT YOU SOLD TO SLEAZEBALLS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND DUMB
History is littered with stories of gullible or desperate songwriters and writers selling their copyrights for a pittance. The creators of SUPERMAN sold their rights for $130. Many black rock n' rollers in the 50s were famously taken advantage of. The Beatles were forced to sell their publishing rights because of onerous British taxation and later outbid by Michael Jackson when trying to get them back.
Now, the Copyright Act's reversion provisions allow the original author of a copyrighted work to reclaim his work created before 1978, 56 years after the creation. It is only 35 years for anything created after January 1, 1978. Copyrights now last 95 years (at least until Mickey Mouse reaches that age).
THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK
Iran blames the USA (the Great Satan) for a recent plane crash, claiming we won't sell them parts. The plane was made in Russia. Scapegoats are handy. It's great to have a scapegoat. You never have to blame yourself. Imaginary friends are good, too.
Nancy Pelosi whipped out the CIA for some CYA. President Bush was good for years for some who now can't seem to let him go.
Minorities can blame the majority for lack of success caused by what they have or haven't done. The poor can blame the rich for their woes. A disability (everyone has some kind of affliction) gets you out of things you don't want to do. Rotten adult kids can blame their irresponsibility on their parents. Banks won't loan you any money is convenient for rationalizing business failure.
Radicals have long been partial to fingering THE MAN and corporations are easy prey. Computers are an infinitely easier target than a piece of paper. The heat, the cold or the rain are popular, too. Traffic is readily available for tardiness, and the dog is always good for devouring paperwork.
On the other hand, some people are showered with too much unearned praise and credit.
I LOVE MYSELF I THINK I'M GRAND. WHEN I GO TO A MOVIE, I HOLD MY HAND
At the beginning of congressional hearings, each senator or congressman on the committee gets ten minutes to blather before they start asking questions. The Sontemayor confirmation hearing had 19 of them or over three hours of pontificating. Why? Who wants to listen to them. They do. Each must get a video of themselves then loop it continuously in their private office so they can marvel at their brilliance.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL
July 11th was the 205th anniversary of the duel between the Vice-President of the United States Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton. Burr delivered a mortal shot and Hamilton died the next day. Hamilton had already been in six duels. Hamilton chose the gentlemanly way of firing his shot over his opponents head. Burr didn't. The duel was held in New Jersey because New York had passed the death penalty for dueling. After the duel, Burr fled to his daughter's home in North Carolina. He was charged but never tried and eventually headed back to finish out his term as vice president.
Congressmen never want to leave office and term limits never makes it into law. Perhaps, dueling should be brought back to solve the problem.
IN PERU, THEY TREAT GUINEA PIGS LIKE KINGS UNTIL THEY EAT THEM
NECESSITY IS NOT THE MOTHER OF INVENTION
Why do people invent things, write music or try to discover something. It is not for the money. It is for the love of doing it and the thrill of achievement. When Archimedes discovered the law of flotation, he was overcome with joy. He ran down the street naked shouting, "Eureka, eureka! I have found it!"?
THE PERFECT STORM
A disrupted economy plus a Utopian hellbent on implementing his utopian dreams that would have bankrupted a roaring economy, with an unobstructed path, who isn't going to let a bad economy stop him equals disaster.
People are inclined to believe the very worst in anything and everything; they are immune to contrary evidence as if they have been medically vaccinated against the force of fact.
Julian Simon, economist
WHAT IS A BABY TURKEY CALLED?
If anyone should ask what a baby turkey is called don't say future Thanksgiving Dinner. A baby turkey is a poult. In case you are also wondering, a baby shark is a cub .
President Obama's czar count is now 32 and growing. 32 unelected government dictators that answer to no one but him. Is he building something similar to a STAR CHAMBER?
The definition of a STAR CHAMBER is a legal or administrative body with strict, arbitrary rulings and secretive proceedings.
The original STAR CHAMBER operated in England from 1487 until it was abolished in 1649. Writer Edgar Lee Masters said this about STAR CHAMBERS:
In the Star Chamber the council could inflict any punishment short of death, and frequently sentenced objects of its wrath to the pillory, to whipping and to the cutting off of ears.... With each embarrassment to arbitrary power the Star Chamber became emboldened to undertake further usurpation....
Will President Obama soon appoint a Burger Czar who makes sure they have a jar of Dijon mustard on every restaurant that serves hamburgers?
SMARTEST MARKETING GIMMICK EVER
Over 45,000 people showed up to watch the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's in Coney Island.
Joey Chestnut retained his crown winning for the third year in a row. Afterward the crowd descended on Nathan's to eat hot dogs. Lines were long and the orders large. They were not each buying a couple of hot dogs to eat politely. The crowd was jacked up to eat like hogs to prove how many hot dogs they could stuff down their throat. They for a few minutes were all Joey Chestnut or the skinny Japanese guy.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD
Have you ever been surprised to hear someone famous just died because you assumed they must already be dead? I was surprised the great actor Karl Malden died at the age of 97, yesterday. I hadn't seen him in anything new for awhile because he made his last film in 1987. He was survived by his wife of 71 years.
I have a new hobby. I think it part of mid life crisis. I watch old movies on TCM then head to IMDB.com to check the birth dates of the actors, how old they are or how long they lived, and if they are dead. Recently, I hit the jackpot. I found someone born in the 1843.
President Obama is Mr. Opposite. Whatever makes good sense, he does exactly the opposite.
NEED A KEROSENE REFRIGERATOR?
Everyone knows that the Amish shun electricity, telephones, automobiles and technology in general. Most Amish communities however do have a pay telephone booth.
There is a website, Lehmans.com, that ironically sells non-electric appliances to the Amish.
I'M ON MY THIRD CHERRY COKE and SECOND HAMBURGER, TODAY
A man just paid $2.1 million to have lunch with Warren Buffet. He won a charity auction. He got to pick his brain. I have already figured out how to become a billionaire.
Warren Buffet, the richest man in the world, drinks five cans of Cherry Coke every day and his favorite meal is a Hamburger. He lives in the same house he bought 50 years ago for $31,500.
Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is the 7th richest man the world. He lives cheaply and invests his money back into his business. If he stays in a nice hotel, and happens to take a soft drink out of the pricey mini-bar, he replaces it before he leaves with a bottle that he buys for much less at a nearby store.
Warren Buffet once said the only way to go broke is on borrowed money.*
* exception to the rule- giving your life savings to Bernie Madoff
RUTH CAN LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER
Bernard Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in the slammer and no one will rent his wife, Ruth, a place to live. They don't want anyone knowing that she lives on their property.
Will they hook up Madoff to life support to make sure he serves all 150 years?
IS THERE AN APP FOR THAT?
APPLE chief STEVE JOBS recently disappeared to get a liver transplant. How he got it is stirring up a controversy. He flew around the country and signed up in states where the waiting lists were the shortest. I guess he used his Iphone to compare. Some are shouting- UNFAIR!
My favorite economist, Walter E. Williams, says there is an organs for transplant shortage because you are not allowed to sell them. The transplant waiting list would be much shorter if organs could be bought and sold. He states that to most loving families agreeing to bury their loved one without all of the parts they arrived with would be unthinkable. But, if there was money to be made some children would quickly reconsider and put all of dear old dad's parts on the block for the right price.
MICHAEL JACKSON THE INVENTOR
Michael Jackson holds a patent for ANTI-GRAVITY SHOES. The shoes made it possible for him and his dancers to lean forward far beyond their center of gravity without falling on their face.
START YOUR DAY WITH A BIG HEAPING BOWL OF FROSTED SUGAR CUBES
There are 2.7 billion boxes of cereal sold each year and one out of every two Americans has a bowl of cereal for breakfast. This must be true. I heard it from Ethan Zohn, winner of SURVIVOR season three and inventor of the Easy Crunch Bowl. He claimed it on the new TV show PITCHMEN where he was vying to have famous pitchman Billy Mays sell it in commercials. The idea of the Easy Crunch Bowl is to keep your cereal from getting soggy. It has a shallow end and a deep end.
I won't be buying one. I like my cereal soggy. I wait for it to get soggy. I stir it to make it soggy. I guess I am in the minority, but it seems that the whole point is to have the cereal marinated in milk. Call me a weirdo. I don't drink the milk, either. Why would I drink not cold cereal flavored milk?
A DAY LATE AND A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS SHORT
The government is about to buy 17,000 vehicles from the bankrupt car companies for $287 million. Why didn't they do this before passing out the bailout money. It may have been cheaper to buy out their inventory.
The could have opened car lots- UNCLE SAM'S BAILOUT CITY. They could have run commercials with a guy dressed like Uncle Sam jumping around a parking lot screaming about his low low prices. They could have a slogan: Uncle Sam is senile. Come in and take advantage of him before he takes his medicine!
DON'T LET YOUR FINGERS GET TOO CLOSE TO HIS MOUTH. HE'S A LOCAVORE
There is a growing trend to become a
Locavore which means that you only eat things raised locally. Locavores believe the food they buy is better if you get it close to where it is produced. Wrong. The best of anything is not sold locally. It is sold where someone is willing to pay highest price which is far away. The best oranges are not sold by the side of the road in Florida. That is their leftovers.
Skirt steak is mainly used for fajitas. The best quality skirt steak produced in the USA is sold to South Korea. Most of the fajitas we make are from lesser quality skirt steak we buy cheaper from Central America.
I remember reading a kid's book where the main character was a struggling Maine fisherman's child. Poor kid. He had to take lobster sandwiches for lunch at school everyday.
Most of the people starving in the world are Locavores.
PUT DOWN THAT REMOTE BOX YOU'RE MAKING MY HEAD SPIN
Have you ever seen a movie dozens of times and it comes on TV and after about 10 minutes you realize you have never seen the beginning before?
DON'T CALL ME A B!%$@
The Duchess of DC, Barbara Boxer, recently got testy with a general at senate hearing for extending military courtesy by addressing her as ma'am. She believes she should only be called senator because she worked so hard for the title. Hard work and accomplishment? It only proves she flim-flammed and hoodwinked enough California crackpots to get voted in and inflict her on us. She is an employee of the people. Like most senators she considers herself royalty. This reminds me of past MBI articles highlighting what she and other senators think of you:
MALODOROUS HORDES GIVE THEM THE HEEBEE GEEBEES
Bloated pompous blow hards and skinny doofus senators look down on you. Need proof?
At the opening of the Capitol Visitor Center, which was originally to cost $71 million but came in at the typical government overrun price of over $600 million, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid had this to say:
"In the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol."
Hey, Senator. They aren't tourists. They are constituents and your boss. How could he smell the visitors over the stench wafting out of Congress?
SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN WASHINGTON DC
Senators are shuddering and their skin is crawling. More and more visitors to the Senate office building are disregarding the SENATORS-ONLY sign on the elevator. Senators, the kings of DC, are actually having to share an elevator with the riff-raff. If it wasn't bad enough when they have to ride with the rabble in coach on an airplane.
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF THE YEAR IF YOU'RE A DRUID
June 21st is the longest day of the year not because your mother-in-law is visiting, it is the Summer Solstice. The Summer Solstice is the day with the most daylight. Daylight will steadily decrease until the shortest day of the year in December.
Modern day pagans and Druids will gather at Stonehenge for a big celebration but the main attendees will be a bunch of potheads who show up to take advantage of new marijuana laws.
Archaeologists have recently decided Stonehenge was a burial ground. The builders would set up a city there once a year. On the Summer Solstice, they would gather at Stonehenge at dawn to honor the dead. Then, they would all walk two miles down the road to an exact replica made from wood. Piles and piles of gnawed on animal bones have been dug up there. At sunset, the ancient people would have a big barbecue, then a giant baby-making orgy.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
My kids were welcome to live at home after graduating from college or high school. They had a choice to either pay rent or save half their paycheck. I was not going to have anyone living rent free at home and driving a Ferrari. None moved back in.
Father's Day has always been the number one collect call day. Now, the kids just use their free weekend minutes. They can't use them all anyway.
FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE WISE MEN FEAR TO TREAD
We hear all the time how young brilliant and intelligent a political or business leader is. What you never hear is that they are wise. Intelligence seems to be the only quality that most people prize, today. Intelligence is the ability to assimilate and process information. Wisdom is understanding how the world really works. Intelligence is hereditary. Wisdom is acquired through experience and study. We are up the creek because THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE WORLD have and are doing unwise things. We need to treasure some dumber guys with wisdom instead of genius fools.
Nobody asks the old wise man anymore.
Fools with our money are soon parted.
TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR
Bernard Madoff will be able to leave prison with time off for good behavior in 2139. He will have over a hundred years good behavior because it's hard to shiv anybody while you are dead.
When he gets out it will be hard to find anyone to swindle. They will be paying everything in taxes to pay off the debt Obama has run up.
VIVA VIAGRA SO LONG LIFE SAVINGS
The husband in the Viagra commercial with the bored couple that reinvigorate their romance with blue pills and trip to an island resort looks like Bernie Madoff.
I VANT TO BE LEFT ALONE
I saw a survey that broke down how Americans identify their political leanings. 40% conservative 35% moderate 21% liberal. It makes me wonder why 20% of the Democrats, a party led by the likes of Nancy Pelosi et. al., consider themselves conservative.
A better identity would be MEDDLERS, people who want to tell others how to live and the people who surrender to them, or the I WANT TO BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE. Sign me up for the second party.
GARBO SPEAKS
For you youngsters, Greta Garbo was a famous movie actress with a husky voice and german accent that retired and spent the rest of her life secluded and was infamously misquoted "I vant to be alone."
Garbo clarified:
I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be left alone.' There is all the difference.
YIKES. ROCKS FROM OUTER SPACE!
A German teenager was recently conked on the coconut by a pebble sized meteorite hurtling 30,000 miles an hour. He is OK. If he still has it, he can sell it to the METEORITE MAN . Bob Haag, The Meteorite Man, streaks across the globe with wads of cash and the cunning to evade and outwit local government authorities whenever their is a new meteor strike. He hauls his bounty back home to Arizona to put up for sale on his website.
I guess it would be wrong to appoint someone PAY NAZI so they will call him the PAY CZAR, instead. Obama has created a goon squad of CZARS- 16 21 32 44 (I give up!) unelected not answering to anyone but him. He could have called them something else. FDR named his DICTATORS. I wonder if the Soup Nazi, experienced with blunt decisions and terse pronouncements, was considered for the PAY CZAR job.
Obama and the Democrats want to place a salary limit on executives. Won't this decrease the amount of tax money they salivate over to wring from rich people?
This is similar thinking to raising taxes on tobacco to fund education. If they want more people to stop smoking by taxing it more they will have less money to fund education. Liberal politicians are bad at math.
Medical care was cheap when they couldn't do much for you. Now, they can do so much for you and the payment system is so warped that nobody can afford it.
IT'S A MYSTERY
I was watching SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE this weekend. Shakespeare's boss, theater manager Philip Henslowe, had a recurring line he used to explain how things would work out in the end. Here he is explaining to his investor:
Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?
Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
Hugh Fennyman: How?
Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.
This reminds me of how President Obama expects us to believe his insane spending policies will fix anything. It's a mystery to him. The economy would recover being left alone to repair itself naturally. The government is making a mess by trying to avoid any pain
Most Europeans are cuckoo for sausage. Finland loves sausage so much they have a saying:
No Finn is so full that he can't eat a bit more sausage.
OVERHEAD THE KILLER
The giant monster that all businesses face is overhead. Overhead is like a roaring fire burning up your money. You keep throwing all the money that trickles in into the fire until it goes out. Whatever doesn't get burned up by the end of the month, you get to keep. GM and Chrysler had an overhead fire so big and hot it was impossible for them to ever have anything but ashes left.
Anyone that can walk the tightrope and is able to save any of the money from the fire should be applauded instead of being reviled.
You don't need the government planning ways to stoke the fire or waiting to grab even more of the money you save from it.
Since the U.S. taxpayers are now the owners of General Motors, where do I go to pick up my free demo car to drive around?
Nobody works and gets paid until somebody sells something. You can't sell anything until you have something that someone might want to buy and you find the person that really wants to buy it.
WHAT NOT TO TWEET
TWITTER is what all the cool kids are using and leaving too much information. Here is a twitter not to leave:
Going out of town for the weekend. Darn it, can't find key. Have to leave front door unlocked.
MY LATEST TWITTERS
Twittering is what all the cool kids are doing. They can document their every movement, although if you ask what they did today in person the answer would be a blank stared- "Nuthin". Here are my latest Twitters:
I believe I shall have a bath, now.
I am on the telephone ordering ShamWow from that nice Vince fellow.
Deciding on lunch. Should I have a hamburger or should I have a hamburger?
Popping off to the market for urgent purchase of toilet paper.
Remind me not to watch Useless Housewives of the OC or New York or anywhere else.
Clipping my toenails. They poked a hole in my sock.
Deciding on dinner. Should I have a hamburger or a hamburger?
The neighbor lady never closes her drapes. After what I just saw, she should.
Follow me at twitter.com/mrbadideas
DON'T NAME YOUR BABY
OSAMA WAYNE MADOFF
Bernie Madoff's sons won't talk to him. They are ashamed to give their last name when making dinner reservations.
Madoff is a name that has become a verb of negative repute. It is a surname that now gives the owner nothing but grief like Hitler, bin laden and Lewinsky and may soon become extinct. Wayne is the middle name that seems common for criminals and heinous serial killers.
If you don't take my advice, when he grows up tell Ossie Wayne Madoff to wear a shirt when the cops break down his door and haul him off to jail in front of the TV cameras.
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL
Some Hot dogs are made out of bull meat. Bull meat is tough so it is best when pulverized and stuck into a tube. SABRETTS, made famous at New York City hot dog carts, uses bull meat.
Fast Food restaurants should post the telephone number for the police that is not 9-1-1. This will give their foolish customers who want to CALL THE LAW after their orders get screwed up or the restaurant runs out their favorite menu item the correct number and it will help keep emergency lines clear. The customers won't be embarrassed by having to take a ride to the crossbar motel for improperly calling 911.
KRAZY KIM'S BOMBS R US WE CHARGE INSANE PRICES!!!
North Korea makes 90% of their income from the sale of weapons. Their recent exploding of Atomic Bombs underground and launching missiles was more advertising to their unsavory customers than saber rattling.
There are no insects in North Korea. The people are starving to death and have eaten them all.
I GUESS THEY WON'T BE BUILDING KEYPADS INTO THE STEERING WHEEL
Recent surveys say that one in four drivers admit to texting while driving. It must be true, IT'S A SURVEY . Seeing a problem there are many states planning to ban texting while driving.
"But, I wasn't texting, I was twittering."
HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDAH
Summer is here and time for summer camp. Many young campers will find themselves distressed and depressed. Camps have no cell phone rules. They will have to write home (if they can figure out what a pencil, paper and stamps are used for) about their homesickness because they won't be able to text. The camps may need to add texting withdrawal counselors so the campers will be able to cope.
WHAT IS WORSE THAN A HEROIN ADDICT GOING COLD TURKEY?
A teenager without their cellphone to text someone. What are the symptoms of Text Deprivation: anxiety, irritability, hyperactivity, extreme loneliness, the shakes and possible thoughts of suicide. They feel like castaways on a deserted island.
Mrs. Bad Ideas chaperoned a choral group at a competition. Her unenviable job was keeper of the cellphones. The students hovered like buzzards asking for their cellphones back. They were not allowed to have them until after the competition. She commented about how much money she was saving their parents. They all said, "we have unlimited plans". A Middle school girl was all over the news for sending 15,000 text messages in a month costing her unwise parents $400.
Cellphone addicts rush out of movie theaters to call someone, ANYONE. Texters can continue texting and be oblivious to the movie.
Cellphone calls and email are the domain of oldsters and parentals. A caller to a teenager on a cellphone will incur wrath they will never forget for calling instead of texting.
In fifty years, there will be a generation of old folks who can no longer use their thumbs.
If Al Gore gets caught smoking up the place with his Bar-b-q pit he will just tell us it is O.K., he offset it with the bogus carbon credits he bought (from himself).
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YELLOW AND WHITE AMERICAN CHEESE?
It is the exact same cheese except for the color. Most people prefer the yellow color, a few like the white.
I think red M & M's taste best, too.
DEFINITION OF A LIBERAL POLITICIAN
A liberal is a poor listener with a bad memory who is bad at math and thinks he or she is smarter than everyone else.
Just replace "A liberal" with the name of any liberal politician. For example: JOHN KERRY is ... or NANCY PELOSI is ... or BARNEY FRANK is ...
WHAT ARE MY POLITICS?
I believe in Free Enterprise, freedom and not getting blown up or my head cut off.
I, also, like the Interstate Highway system.
WHAT IS SO AWFUL ABOUT GITMO?
Why are some folks so hot and bothered about closing down Guantanamo Bay. It sounds like one of the nicer prisons to me. It's not a Soviet Gulag or rusty barred concrete walled hellhole. Gitmo is on a tropical island paradise. They get plenty of outside time. They are given 5,000 calorie a day diet. They get prayer time, prayer rug, and a free Koran. They get to spend their day swapping stories and hatching diabolical plots with other terrorists. They can entertain themselves throwing things and hurling insults at the guards without much retribution. It beats Alcatraz.
A NEW NAME FOR THE GOVERNMENT OWNED AUTOMOBILE COMPANY
The government is taking over General Motors and will now produce politically correct cars. I have a new name for the company.
EDSEL
Al Gore and his fellow global warming profiteers are like old door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesmen who throw dirt on your carpet when you open the door so they can get inside to sell you a vacuum cleaner except they throw imaginary dirt.
THE GLOBAL DE-WATERING CRISIS
Until the past 20 years or so, all water eventually returned to the earth's water cycle. We now face a future of dying of thirst as we are rapidly losing water. Our water is being trapped in half-drunk plastic water bottles. The bottles won't decompose and will still be there in a thousand years trapping our precious fluid.
A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH TO REMEMBER
Who remembers a commencement speech? Winston Churchill once gave one that told the graduates all they ever needed to remember.
Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
Then, he exited the stage.
MY LATEST MOVIE PITCH
The SEVENTH SENSE starring sour puss comedian and failed talk radio host Janeane Garafalo. In the SIXTH SENSE, Haley Joel Osment uttered his famous phrase- "I see dead people". In the SEVENTH SENSE Janeane Garafalo will travel to large gatherings including a Tea Party where she will see 500,000 hard working Americans voicing their opposition to out-of-control mindless government spending and looming runaway inflation and will only "see racists".
Is Nancy Pelosi a liar or just a poor listener with a bad memory? She claims she was never briefed on waterboarding although there appears to be plenty of documentation to prove that she was in attendance at the meeting. Not long ago, she visited the pope and her report on what was said was completely different from what the pope said about the meeting. He ripped her on her abortion views.
The only reason anyone started objecting to waterboarding terrorists was so they could beat Bush over the head with it.
PLAN B SUCKS*
The number one secret of success is persistence. Plan B kills persistence. When you only have Plan A you have no choice but to persist. Plan B makes it too easy to give up.
* quote by Chris Gardner author of PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
We are in financial straits because the companies that we give the money to, that we work so hard to earn and create, so they can play with it had a Plan B and Plan C- Uncle Sam would bail them out.
Almost everything fails at first... The secret to success is persistence. Persistence is automatic with obsession.
ON TODAY'S FLIGHT WE'LL BE SERVING A SNACK OF GOVERNMENT CHEESE
The government keeps taking over failed businesses. Soon, they may be after the perpetually broke airlines.
They could call it Post Office Air. It will be never on schedule, but you'll have to lump it because you'll have no choice.
A TRILLION DOLLARS HERE, A TRILLION DOLLARS THERE PRETTY SOON YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME REAL MONEY
President Obama and his toadies in congress are like a krew on a Mardi Gras float throwing beads to anyone who shows them their boobs, except they throw money.
WHILE HE WAS SCREWING EVERYBODY
HE WAS SCREWING EVERYBODY
Bernie Madoff's secretary is talking. She says that besides not zipping up until after he left the bathroom, he got lots of "massages" (wink wink)
and loved to peruse "escort" ads in the weekly tabloid papers. I wonder if he swindled his "masseuses" by offering to keep their fee and investing it for them. Hey. Free Massages!
PRESIDENT AS TRENDSETTER
Was President Obama trying to stimulate the economy by promoting eating out? He could have ordered and had it delivered, but he and Joe Biden made a burger run to Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington, Va. It will certainly cause a rush to that restaurant but was he hoping for his cultist admirers to head out to restaurants and hamburger stands?
Ronald Reagan exploded the sale of jelly beans by keeping them on his desk to snack on. Bill Clinton did the same for Oral Sex.
President as trendsetter is like the fan devotion to a NASCAR driver. They buy everything that the sponsor of their driver sells.
The OBAMA BURGER
Cheddar Cheese, Mustard (brown or Dijon if you got it), No ketchup (a slight to John Kerry?), Lettuce and Tomato. Medium Well. I have seen him order it that way twice- On Sixty Minutes during his first trip on Air Force One and his hamburger road trip with Joe Biden. I can feel restaurants adding it to their menus, now.
Is it torture to send a terrorist to bed without any supper?
A TIP FROM A GLOBAL WARMING PAUPER
They love to tell you worthless things for reducing your carbon footprint. Here's one they forgot. Hold your breath one minute each hour.
Advice for free and I won't make a penny for giving it. Everyone else chattering about global warming is on the money train. Al Gore has made $100 million from it. Scientists have a easy stream of grant money. Government always greedy for money has new avenues for taxation.Companies like General Electric are buddying up to government to pass laws so you will be forced to buy newfangled light bulbs and so they can sell wind turbines. Marketers can slap green labels (instead of worn-out "new and improved") on consumer products to generate sales. Scalawags can ditch their other money scams to sell carbon credits. Magazines and newspapers have a new ways to alarm everyone in their headlines and covers to drive sales and TV has a new go-to time filler.
MAY IS NATIONAL HAMBURGER MONTH
Hamburgers are the trendiest food going. Many fancy schmantzy chefs are starting burger stands and promoting burgers in their fine dining restaurants costing $15-$30 or more. Burgers made with the pampered Kobe beef are $40 or more. There is a competition on for beef mixtures. It reminds me of bragging about who has the best chili or barbecue at a cook off. They are mixing ground brisket, short ribs and more in with standard chuck and sirloin.
SHOULD WE START A NATIONAL GABBAGOOL DAY?
What the heck is Gabbagool? Who ate the Gabbagool? I am amazed at the number of people that want to look at Gabagool. There has been a big uptick in Gabagool lookers here and it is the number one thing that folks ask the search engines that sends them to mrbadideas.com. What is the deal?
Restaurants in Saudi Arabia are divided into two sections. One section is designated for single men only and the other section is the Family section. Women alone, women in groups and family groups including male relatives may eat on this side.
I used to think women were required to cover up when in public and their freedom restricted because there was a low opinion of them. Unaccompanied men are even thought less of. They are believed to be depraved and women molesters, rapists and wife stealers that women need to be protected from.
What is under the burqas or robes women a forced to wear? Most likely it is designer clothes that they wear around the house and are readily available down at the mall.
A Saudi judge ruled that a man can slap his wife for spending too much on a shopping trip.
CALL YOUR MOTHER
Mother's Day is a tradition that was ramrodded by Anna Jarvis of Grafton, West Virgina. She was never a mother herself, but was extremely devoted to her own mother. Her mother died in 1905, and Anna wanted to honor her. Anna's mother had worked to improve sanitation after the Civil War with Mother's Work Days. Anna organized a Mother's Day Memorial Committee at her church. She, then, went on a letter writing campaign and a crusade giving speeches promoting Mother's Day. By 1909, 45 states, Canada, Mexico, Hawaii and Puerto Rico celebrated Mother's Day and in 1914 a resolution was passed by Congress designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
Those
Evil businessmen always looking for a new way to make a buck, saw an opportunity to drive people to their stores and restaurants. Commercializing Mother's Day was not Anna's intent. She became so distraught that she started going door to door with petitions to get rid of Mother's Day. Mother's Day is now the biggest day of the year for restaurants, number one telephone call day, and one of the biggest holidays for store sales.
Anna died of a broken heart.
If you go by TV ads for Mother's Day, daughters are sweet and thoughtful and sons are ungrateful boobs that send sickly flowers in a box that mom shoves down the garbage disposal or cause their mother to faint when he actually calls.
HOPE YOU DON'T CATCH THE "HINEY" FLU
Who knew that the name of a flu could be not politically correct. They have changed the name of Swine Flu because if offends pig farmers. For the first time something is unpolitically correct because it affects commerce instead of somebody's hurt feelings.
The new name is H1N1 after the scientific name for the virus. This looks like HINEY to me, which can also be not politically correct. They will need to change the name again. Perhaps, since is a potential murderer, the AMF Flu. Adios my friend.
FIENDS ON THE ROOF
They cut the ribbon May 1, 1931, on the 102 story Empire State Building.
Everyone has heard if a penny is dropped from the top of the Empire State Building that it would kill someone walking down the sidewalk if it hit them in head. This doesn't seem to stop many people from throwing pennies and becoming potential murderers.
Luckily, the tall buildings of New York City create an updraft that catch the pennies and they end up on a ledge 5 stories below the observation deck. As far as anyone can remember, no one has been killed.
If Barack Obama burned down the White House the New York Times would report that he had come up with a brilliant renovation plan.
--Lt. Col. Ralph Peters
A goo goo eyed New York Times male reporter asked President Obama a question at his prime time press conference about what he found "enchanting" about the White House. In this time of major problems stacking up, and delaying the start of AMERICAN IDOL shouldn't they keep out the old lady from the society column?
I didn't watch the press conference. I learned how to make cole slaw watching Alton Brown on the Food Network.
DAGNABBIT YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS AND YOUR NEWFANGLED GEEGAWS AND HOOPDEDOOS
Newfangled is word you would only expect to hear from a 120 year old that talks like Walter Brennan. The telephone was newfangled. The Model A was newfangled. Newfangled means "newly or recently invented or existent, novel; gratuitously or objectionably modern or different from what one is used to." Newfangled was coined around 1470. It is a good word, but you can't use it without sounding like a fossil. We have a blizzard of newfangled stuff thrown at us at a blinding pace with an obsolete word to describe it.` You can feel like a hipster on the cutting edge with a new technology one day and an out of date old fogey the next.
When Pringles first came out they were dubbed newfangled potato chips to make them sound both old timey and new at the same time.
HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
ATTENTION: All Pig Kissing Contests have been cancelled.
Why worry about global warming? The government is spending us so far in debt and printing so much imaginary money that our grandchildren will wish they were dead.
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE
Everyday another researcher on the government funded money train comes up with a new cause for man-made global warming. Recently they announced it is FAT PEOPLE. Other days it has been livestock flatulence or cigarette smoking or other fun things. Here is another cause that I thought up while driving around in my car with the V8 engine.
The world's surface temperature has increased 1 degree in the last hundred years. The world's population has quadrupled since 1900. That is 5 billion extra 98 degreers. That is an extra 500 billion degrees. Buddy, you are melting the ice. When do I get my check.
MR BAD IDEAS' EARTH DAY
EARTH SAVING TIP
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Wacked out Extreme environmentalist kooks daydream of saving the world by getting rid of all these pesky people. They dream about people suddenly disappearing and everything they have built rusting, disintegrating and going to seed. The world will be a garden.
No one would be here to notice. Would a tree falling in a forest make a sound? The only thing that would miss us are dogs because we feed them. I am sure that like all grandiose dreams the dreamer has decided they are the only one exempt.
Instead of "almost all scientists agree", now many agree there is man-made global warming because if they don't agree they get canned.
MY ONE TRUE FRIEND
I am now a FACEBOOK friend to Sonic Ice. There are 50,000 other fans of Sonic Ice on FACEBOOK. Who would have thought there were that many people as insane for crushed ice from Sonic Drive-In as me. If I had a Sonic Ice machine in my house, I would give up writing Mr Bad Ideas Notebook and all I would do is make Sonic Ice all day.
You won't be able to find me on FACEBOOK, but I am easy to find on MYSPACE. Just look for Mr Bad Ideas.
IS IT WORTH A FREE DINNER IF YOU MIGHT GET STUCK IN THE OLD FOLKS HOME?
I was watching a commercial for a drug for Alzheimer's. A daughter realizes that her mother might be afflicted when she and her family arrive for Sunday dinner and her mom didn't have it ready and didn't know it was Sunday. The old lady might have just been pretending to be forgetful so her ungrateful kids would take her out for Sunday dinner for once.
WE AIN'T GONNA SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP
The Tea Parties have been misrepresented by the mainstream Lazy News media. They are either too dumb to understand or purposely trying to derail it. They cherry picked the few misguided souls holding inappropriate or offensive signs to paint a picture of the whole crowd. What it is is a revolt against being run roughshod over. The lunatics currently in charge stoned with power are saying to anyone that disagrees with them: We won. Sit down and shut up. We're changing everything and spending our way into a hole we can never climb out of. There is nothing you can do about it. Here's an extra 13 bucks in your paycheck, suck it up and go home and be happy about it.
THEY'D PULL THE WINGS OFF A FLY
I thought liberals were supposed to be caring and kind, but those that claim to be liberal or progressive on the staff of MSNBC, bloggers for THE DAILY KOS amd HUFFINGTON POST, NANCY PELOSI, JANEANE GARAFALO, and all the others that regularly shoot off their mouths seem to be mean, hateful and self absorbed.
I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE
Why can't we have a simple tax system like the FLAT TAX or the FAIR TAX? We can't because it is not in the self-interest of over half of the SOB's in Congress needed to vote for it. Why?
POWER. They use the tax code to control you like a puppet. If you want to pay less taxes you have to jump through their hoops and spend money on things that they deem worthwhile.
FREE TRIPS and getting cut-in on lucrative deals. The main purpose of a lobbyist is to get sweet tax deals for whoever they represent. Fewer lobbyist means less goodies for them.
JOB OPPORTUNITIES. If there are fewer lobbyists then when they retire from Congress they won't be able to latch on to a lobbyist job and make millions.
We are held hostage so they can get rich and feel like royalty.
Solar Panels are hard to sell without a tax credit. Sales are down during these hard times. If your business is not making a profit and you are not paying any taxes, you don't need any tax credits.
YOU MISSED McDONALD'S BIRTHDAY
Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald's April, 15, 1955 in Des Plaines, Ill. He talked the McDonald brothers into letting him franchise. Dick and Mac's original McDonald's restaurant was going gangbusters in San Bernadino, California. At that time, the restaurants had no inside seating, and only walk up order windows.
Today, McDonald's is remodeling their restaurants with soft couches, plasma televisions, wi-fi internet and coffee counters. They want you to come by often and stay awhile. For their first 50 years, they wanted you to hurry up, EAT and GET OUT.
Ray Kroc may be rolling over in his grave. He decided on the uncomfortable plastic furniture and banning cigarette machines, pay phones, and juke boxes. He wanted to turn over the seats fast and discourage loiterers and cigarette puffing punks from hanging around like it was a bowling alley.
One hamburger McDonalds test marketed and Ray Kroc loved was the HULA BURGER- a hamburger with a round of pineapple.
AAARGGH
When the British tracked down the pirate Blackbeard they killed him, and the Captain cut off his head and carried it around as a souvenir tacked to the masthead.
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE
The U.S. Navy foiled the Somali pirates and rescued Captain Phillips by blowing their heads off when they stuck it out to escape the heat. This would have made Sergeant York proud. In the movie, I assume it was true, Alvin York won a turkey shoot by gobbling and causing the turkey to stick its head up. A deadly decision. And, while fighting in World War I, he gobbled to get the Germans to stick their head out of the foxhole.
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON'T CALL 911. YOU SUE
Stupid people have repeatedly been in the news lately making frivolous 9-1-1 calls after being gypped at fast food food restaurants. One was upset a McDonald's had run out of Chicken McNuggets. Another was missing a shrimp in their box. If this worked, Ronald McDonald and the creepy Burger King would be serving life sentences at the crossbar hotel for all the things left out of my bag after going through the drive-thru.
I once went to a McDonald's and got a hamburger that was barely cooked. I took it back and the counter person took it to the kitchen. I could see the whole staff gather around the burger in the back corner of the kitchen. They all laughed hysterically. The store was staffed with a bunch of punk kids that day. I heard a cook before I placed my order yelling and complaining about a special order he just got- "What is this? Special Grill Day at McDonald's!" The space cadet that took our order instead of giving us our drinks, grabbed a broom and started dancing around while she swept behind the counter. Should I have made the call or did I have a case?
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT! SOCIALISM STINKS
Free Enterprise is under assault by the Utopians. Socialism has a major flaw. Everyone has the incentive to do the least possible. Free Enterprise encourages everyone to work a little harder and do a little extra. Why are grocery stores shelves jam packed and there is always gas waiting for you at the filling station? Because a lot of people have broken their necks to get it there because it is in their self interest to make sure it is there.
Socialism has a hard time surviving without free enterprise. During the days of the Soviet Union, they got what they really wanted and needed on the black market- the illegal free enterprise system. They would have starved to death if farmers weren't allowed to have their own side plots of land to enjoy the benefits of their own productivity.
Why won't the Europeans help us protect the world. Because they have lived their lives under a system where their incentive is to do the least possible.
THIS COUNTRY IS RATED X
BHUTAN is a tiny kingdom located in the Himalayas north of India. It was once thought of as the most isolated place on earth. It has friendly pastoral people and was voted the happiest country in Asia. Among the meats they consume at their dinner table is Yak. The national sport is archery. The houses resemble Swiss chalets and are adorned with paintings of animals and penises.
IT AIN'T AS GOOD THERE
In Philadelphia, they don't call it a Philly Cheesesteak. Philadelphia's favorite sandwich is just called a Steak or Cheesesteak. Like many city's iconic dishes, for example Chicago Deep Dish pizza, San Francisco sour dough bread or New York bagels, there is a lot of civic pride that claims you can't get the real thing anywhere but there. It is usually "something in the water". Ed Rendell, governor of Pennsylvania, likes to explain the difference between the real deal Cheesesteak and all of the imitators and impostors:
They start with good meat, but it's not fatty enough. Then they use real cheese. But the problem is, it doesn't seep down into the bread. And they get the onions right, but then they drain the grease!
FROM NOW ON, ALL CITIZENS WILL BE REQUIRED TO CHANGE THEIR UNDERWEAR THREE TIMES A DAY
Congress has turned into a bunch of drunk monkeys with rubberstamps. Proposing things and approving them without reading bills or even thinking about it. Mad with power some want to tell everyone how they are going to live. They want to be the ones who decree how much someone should be paid, what you can drive, how big your house can be, what you can eat, what kind of light bulbs you can have, what you can read and what you can listen to. Can you say, Tyranny?
In the Woody Allen movie BANANAS, the Castro like character that takes power after the revolution of a banana republic goes nuts with power and proclaims in his first speech that everyone would be required to change their underwear three times a day. To make sure that they did, everyone would wear their underwear on the outside.
WHY THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN'T RUN ANYTHING
The government just raised the tax on cigarettes from 39 cents a pack to $1.01.
They will use the increase to finance children's health care and discourage smoking. Two goals that work against each other. Only a politician could consider this a stroke of genius.
WHEN THE GOVERNMENT TAKES OVER EVERYTHING
It is the same as going out to eat at a restaurant where they look at you then they decide what you are going to to eat.
Congress always has a shovel-ready project. Their idea of solving a problem is to dig a hole and throw money into it, then leave and their buddies can come dig it up.
WOULD A TERRORIST BY ANY OTHER NAME SMELL AS A BAD
The new head of Homeland Security refuses to call terrorists terrorists and the Obama administration says that residents of GITMO will no longer be called Enemy Combatants.
They could call them explosives enthusiasts, aero edifice demolishers, virulent disease hobbyists, destructive dreamers, head detachment practitioners, threat tape mixers, poison logisticsticians....
FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF GOBBLEDY GOOK
The Obamaites are against clear concise blunt language. They have deleted THE WAR ON TERROR and replaced it with OVERSEAS CONTIGENCY OPERATIONS which means nothing. I think it could be replaced with
AMERICAN CITIZEN DEATH PREVENTION
YOU DUMB #@$%&S. YOU CAN'T SPEND YOUR WAY TO PROSPERITY
The motivations that lead to getting pregnant have as little to do with knowing how to be a good parent as the process of running for president has to do with knowing how to run a country.
ECONOMY DOWN VASECTOMIES UP
Since November, vasectomies have risen 50%. Men who have been squirming and avoiding getting snipped are hurrying to the doctor before they get canned and lose their insurance.
Your wife is most likely to get pregnant when you think that your financial situation couldn't get any worse.
MR BAD IDEAS TRAVEL AGENCY
You are warned against traveling to Mexico because of the violence from Drug Gangs. Some Caribbean islands are off limits. Icelanders are rioting because of economic collapse, plus they have grumpy trolls. Where is a safe place to go?
Looking for a vacation spot with plenty of nighttime entertainment? Plan a stay at
The Smuggler's Inn- an eight guest room bed and breakfast in Blaine Washington. The hotel's front lawn touches the Canadian border. The only thing that demarcates the border are a British Columbia road named Zero Avenue and series of evenly spaced stones in the front yard. When the owner mows the yard, he has to venture into Canada.
Each room comes with night vision binoculars and a giant flashlight that you can use to watch for people (mostly drug smugglers) sneaking across the border. Over 126 border jumpers have been arrested in the front yard.
The Smuggler's Inn was most likely used to help smuggle in liquor during prohibition. The owner Bob Boule has named the rooms after famous smugglers. Two room choices are the Joseph. P. Kennedy room or the Dirty Dan Harris room.
Call for reservations, now.
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS
You may be outraged by the government approved AIG bonuses, but taxing a small group of individuals is against the law. We are protected by the constitution from capricious laws passed against a person by a petulant leader. We don't want to be ruled over by the likes of a Kim Jon Il or Saddam Hussein or tinhorn African dictator or Richard Lewis in ROBIN HOOD MEN IN TIGHTS.
Do we want to live in a country governed by whims. I wouldn't want to be punished for looking cross eyed at someone in power. Congress should be thrown in jail for inciting a riot to CYA their mistake.
A BAD BUSINESS ALLOWED TO GO BROKE IS A GOOD THING
When a bad business goes broke, other businesses can buy a lot of machinery and inventory cheap. Good customers up for grabs will be offered all kinds of good deals and good employees can go to better situations that they would probably have never pursued. In the long run, everyone is better off.
HOW TO GET BOOED AT A PTA MEETING
Announce that half of the students are below average.
A BURGER FOR YOUR DEPRESSION
If you get tired of GRUEL and can afford a little ground
meat, here is a hamburger from the depression- the breaded hamburger that outsells the 100% meat burger at Snappy Lunch in Mt. Airy, North Carolina. Mayberry in the old Andy Griffin Show was based on Mt. Airy.
They call it the "old fashioned" or No-Burger. The secret ingredient is crumbled biscuits mixed into the meat.
The two main jobs of the president is to be THE DECIDER and THE EXPLAINER. Obama can articulate truly stupid ideas and policies really well and with great confidence. The parade of other politicians explaining their stupid ideas can not hold a candle.
HE GOT YOU FOR 50 MILLION? THAT'S NOTHING
Instead of hiding the fact that you were so stupid, some see being taken by flim-flam man Madoff as a status symbol and belonging to an elite club. They use their loss as bragging rights. Some probably even claim to have been ripped off when they weren't.
"Poor thing. Wasn't rich enough to be swindled by Bernard Madoff."
There is a restaurant in New York that will give you a free meal if you were scammed by Madoff. Maybe, this is to save their old customers from rummaging through their trash cans.
MY SAVINGS PLAN
My money is safe. I am unaffected by the whims of the stock market. I have a simple savings plan. When change falls out of my pants pocket into the seat cushions, I let it ride.
INMATE# 61727054's PRISON OUTREACH
Bernard Madoff can't wait to get to prison so he can start an investment club for the inmates or produce a play called PRISONERS OF LOVE.
A GIANT CASE OF THE DWTs
What are the DWTs. It is doing the wrong things. It is when you are busy all day doing everything except the most important thing that you need to do that day. The congress and President Obama have a giant case of the DWTs. They are doing everything except the most important things they need to do to help stabilize things. They look busy and are throwing money around willy nilly. They just try to appear to do something while avoiding what they really need to do.
THE BEST ECONOMIC STIMULUS
When people feel flush they spend money. When businesses feel flush they hire extra people. The economy expands. When people feel like they are barely hanging on they don't spend. When a business feels like they are barely hanging on they can people. The economy contracts.
You don't have to be rich to feel flush. You feel rich when you get a raise, a big bonus check, make a big sale, a nice tax refund. You start feeling like "there's no stopping me, now". You go out and buy a new car, house, electronics, vacation, nights on the town, your kids can go to college, etc., and write a big check to charity.
The dumb @!#$%*!S in Washington, who for some perverse reason don't believe in promoting prosperity, should stop doing things that make everyone feel like they're screwed.
A BLOODY CAD AND A BOUNDER
President Obama embarrassed himself and the United States during his meeting with the Prime Minister of England. He insulted Gordon Brown by not having a State Dinner as is always afforded to our allies and honored guests. He acted like he was meeting with someone from somewhere insignificant like the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
He gave back a bust of Sir Winston Churchill proudly presented to President Bush after 9/11, The Prime Minister said he did not want to take it back. He said if Obama didn't want it in his office he could put it in a museum. He was told to get it out of here, we don't want it.
Protocol dictates that you give a gift of special meaning. Instead, Obama gave Gordon Brown a thoughtless gift of 25 DVDs that were either laying around or he sent someone down to Wal-Mart to pick up. The prime minister has gone blind in one eye and is concerned about losing sight in the other. The British public are not pleased.
John Kerry and the other snobby liberals have been worrying about what the French must think of us because of Bush. This incident and the stupid RESET button presented to the Russians makes President Bush seem like a genius and Miss Manners.
With manners like this, you have to wonder if Obama was "raised in a barn".
CARNIES NEEDED TO WORK AT THE AIRPORT
Charging to go to the bathroom, pillows, drinks, extra bags, buying tickets. The airlines are looking for every way to get a few extra dollars out of you. What's next?
After checking in at the airport, will the airlines soon require you to be strapped into a Rosie O'Donnell like contraption that turns you upside down so they can shake all the change out of your pocket?
A travel expert claims the best thing to eat at an airport is a corn dog.
SAFEST PLACE TO LIVE
Tornadoes in Alabama, Blizzards in Mississippi in March, Volcanoes in Alaska, waiting for the BIG ONE in California, where can you move?
A professor figured out where the safest places to live in the United States are. Among the top three is Roswell, New Mexico.
He looked to see where you were least likely to be hit by a hurricane, tornado, earthquake, mudslide or forest fire. He ruled out places where you could freeze to death in a blizzard or die prostrate from extreme heat and humidity.
Apparently he didn't take into consideration the angry aliens who will disintegrate Roswell when they come looking for their spaceship that crashed there in 1947 and can't find it.
CALLING MR. DARWIN
Recently, a woman was crossing a train track when her car died. She looked to the side window and could see a train bearing down on her. Instead of getting out of the car, she dialed 9-1-1.
THE OPAL DIET
Opal was skinny and lived to be 103. I saw her on a television show that for about 40 years traveled Texas looking for interesting people and stories. They met Opal in 1985 when she was only 83 years old. Opal ran a general store, her father started, in a tiny dusty town in the middle of West Texas. She awoke everyday at 4:00 AM. She had lunch about 9- a cool Dr. Pepper. For dinner at about 2, she would make a toasted marshmallow. They didn't say what she ate for breakfast but I am sure it wasn't he same as an NFL lineman.
FANS OF MR BAD IDEAS ENJOYING THEIR FAVORITE PODCAST
HAPPY SQUARE ROOT DAY
Math geeks get a double whammy of celebrating this month. Later in the month it is PI Day. May 3, 2009 was Square Root Day. It comes around whenever the number of the month is the same as the date, you multiply them together and it equals the last digit of the year. Today 3 X 3= 9. WHHOOOO WHOOOO YEAAHHHHH.
Square Root Day will happen nine times this century with the next Square Root Day in 2016. Guess the month.
IS IT WRONG?
Is it wrong to have a crush on someone in an old movie? They are forever young in the film, but in real life they may be in their eighties and the same age as your mother or grandmother.
I have always had a thing for Julie Harris as Abra in EAST OF EDEN and Joan Leslie from SERGEANT YORK and YANKEE DOODLE DANDY. Joan Leslie is probably doubly wrong since she was only sixteen, but looked like she was in her early twenties.
UNTIL SOMEBODY SELLS SOMETHING, NOBODY WORKS
The most important thing a business needs is to find something they can sell to people who need it and finding people that need to buy what they have. Until a sale can be made, nobody else can work. There is no need for the people that produce whatever product or service you are selling, no one is needed to transport anything, and there is nothing for anyone in the office to do and there is no reason to buy anything used to produce whatever you are selling. How can the government create a job? It can't except for being a customer. It can only get in the way. It is not a business' job to give someone a job out of the goodness of their hearts. There are jobs when there is something that needs to get done.
I'M MOVING TO THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN SO IF ANYONE TRIES TO COME UP AFTER ME I CAN ROLL ROCKS DOWN AT THEM
Some alarmists are saying that things are going to get so bad there will be revolution and riots in the streets. Gun sales have skyrocketed. It's time to lay in supplies of can goods. You might consider loading up on this:
A person who owns and runs a restaurant is a restaurateur, not a restauranteur. There is no N in restaurateur. It evolved from the previous meaning of the word- a doctor's assistant that sets broken bones.
A MONEY SAVING TIP FOR HARD TIMES
Are you trying to stretch every dollar you have left? You can save money on toilet paper by buying 2-ply, then separate the plies. Oua-la. 2 rolls of toilet paper.
Sure you could do it by hand, but check out the Toilet Paper Separator It will save you even more because No batteries or electricity required.
Unfortunately, if everyone starts skimping on toilet paper they will have to start laying off toilet paper workers. Their lives will be ruined. Their house will get foreclosed and the government will have to bail them out. If you don't wantonly squander your money on stuff, you will be responsible for the ruin of the economy.
I'LL PASS ON THE LIFE PRESERVER I'D RATHER DROWN
California is broke. They are laying off workers, raising taxes on everything they can think of, holding all night state legislature sessions, turning loose over 50,000 criminals because they can't afford to keep them locked up, begging the federal government for a bail out. Yet, they have billions and billions of barrels of oil offshore that they refuse to let anybody drill on. They could lease it and receive a huge pile of cash immediately plus royalties for years to come. Why don't they? Environmentalist wackos would get cross with them.
MY ECONOMIC BIG TRUCK THEORY
You want economic stimulus. I've got your economic stimulus. President Obama wanted to offer businesses a measly $3000 tax credit for hiring a new employee. A new employee costs a lot more than that to hire and train. If you instead offer them $100,000 each (they will have to keep them on the payroll for a year), employers will be driving around in trucks snatching unemployed people off the sidewalk, throwing them in the back, then hiring them on the spot no questions asked. Instead of a trillion dollar stimulus package you will get 10 million people a job.
The Big Truck theory works for other things. You could have emptied out New Orleans before Katrina if the government had a put a bounty on giving rides out of town. Maybe, $10,000 (maybe less) for each potentially stranded person you drag into your vehicle. They say it is impossible to deport mucho millions of illegal aliens back to Mexico. No problem with the Big Truck Theory.
WHAT IS A SHOVEL-READY PROJECT?
The latest buzzword coined by President Obama's word coiners is "shovel-ready project". What is it? The only "shovel-ready project" that comes to mind involves a horse stall.
MORE RESEARCH MONEY WELL SPENT
Scientists at Leeds University (in England) have analyzed why the smell of french fries (chips in England) are so tantalizing.
They found that the appeal of their smell comes from the combination of
nine aromas including butterscotch, cocoa, onion, cheese and ironing boards.
THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE
The mother of the octuplets, known affectionately as OCTOMOM, obviously planned to support them and her other six kids by cashing in on the event. She seems a little screwy. I wonder if she was planning to use part of the money to build a house shaped like a shoe?
One day, she will live in a house with thirteen teenagers.
WOULD ANY OTHER NAME SMELL AS SWEET
They say that GITMO has tarnished our image around the world. Who are they? They is those who spend more time worrying about what others think than not getting blown up.
Rebrand it. The old marketing trick is selling something that won't sell by giving it a new name. GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS was initially a flop and gathering dust piled up in a warehouse. A guy bought them all, ripped off the cover and stuck on new one with a better title.
Since, most people couldn't find Guantanamo Bay on a map, just rename it. How about the JIHAD ISLAND RESORT. We can turn down reservations from jetsetters that try, It will make it seem more exclusive.
MAKE YOU OWN OPPORTUNITY
Joe Ades, the man who became wealthy selling potato peelers on the streets of New York City died the other day at age 75. He lived on Park Avenue, ate at the finest restaurants in New York with his wife and drank champagne every night.
Five potato peelers for $20, if you don't have any friends- one for $5.
THE WORST ECONOMY IN A MILLION YEARS
How do you stimulate the economy? People must feel secure with their jobs. If they feel secure, then they will live their lives normally and will spend their money. If they spend money and behave normally, businesses won't feel like they are on the verge of going broke. They won't be looking for ways to cut costs. They won't be firing everybody. If they aren't firing everybody and maybe hiring some, then people will feel secure about their jobs. If the government does stupid things, like squandering huge amounts of supposed bailout money on worthless projects and raising taxes, that make consumers or businesses feel insecure, then no one will spend any money and everyone will get canned.
I wonder if I can get some of the wasteful stimulus money to fix my driveway. Just think of how many people I can put to work.
WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE
Here is an economic stimulus plan that doesn't cost anything. How about a little inspiration, encouragement and optimism. We have the greatest country with the most ingenious, hard working and hard charging group of people in the world. Get up and Go do it! Maybe, if we repeat it enough we will believe it.
VIOLATING THE GENEVA CONVENTION
I saw the former commandant of Gitmo on TV. He described the detainees mistreatment. They receive a 5,000 calorie per day diet, they even have a pastry chef, and watch high def TV.
It sounds like caloric intake on a cruise ship or resort. Are they trying to ruin their health by turning them into fat couch potatoes? Perhaps they torture them with the Playboy Channel and Britney Spears videos. For recreation, they have plenty of time to relax and dream up devious murderous plots.
Is it against the Geneva Convention to make terrorists leave their tropical island paradise to stick them in a cave in Colorado?
SHOULD YOU SLOW DOWN OR SPEED UP?
Some young hooligan hacked into a traffic alert sign on a freeway in Austin, Texas. The sign warned drivers- ZOMBIES AHEAD.
NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR SLEET NOR DARK OF NIGHT BUT ONLY TUESDAYS SHALL STAY THESE COURIERS FROM THE SWIFT COMPLETION OF THEIR APPOINTED ROUNDS
The post office citing operating losses is planning to cut postal delivery by one day a week. It will probably be Tuesday because that is the slowest delivery day. I always call it JUNK MAIL DAY, because that is all I get on Tuesday. Mail was once delivered twice a day and three times a day DOWNTOWN in the business districts (cut back to twice a day in 1969). There is a pneumatic tube system buried beneath New York City that they used to shoot mail between postal stations.
Checking the mail is the highlight of some folks day and the only thing they have to look forward to. We can expect deaths from distress and loneliness especially if their TV goes blank because they didn't get a digital converter. Thanks government for ruining my life.
I will have to wait an extra day for that Million Dollar Check I am always expecting to find.
Things run by the government try to do the least for their customers where it is in the interest of private business to do the most because their customer can go do business with someone else.
FROM THE MOUTH OF BABES
Mrs. Bad Ideas teaches middle school. She asked the class to write a paper on "What is an inauguration?". One student wrote that it is when the president makes a PINKIE PROMISE.
Do you (mr. president) solemnly pinkie promise to ....... as he crosses pinkies with the chief justice.
I BARELY KNEW THE GUY
There are a lot guys that have suddenly become barely known by politicians. Barack Obama has many questionable associates like Bill Ayers and Blagojevich or Reverend Wright that he now barely knows. He may have worked with them or met weekly in a "mastermind alliance" to plot their political rise or have photos surfacing of them laughing with their arm across their shoulder.
How do you defend guilt by association with a good friend. Here's an excuse- In reality, how can you say that you really know someone. Many wives and girlfriends could claim the same.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, I LIKE MIRACLE WHIP
I read a lot of food blogs, watch cooking shows and restaurant travelogues. I have determined that I would not be invited to join the club of a foodie. A foodie is someone who believes he or she is a connoseur, amateur chef, restaurant critic and discoverer. I like to cook and have a secret desire to own a hamburger stand.
A foodie has definite opinions about even the most basic of foods. They think that their hamburgers should be nearly raw and pizza crust half burnt. A foodie is appalled at the thought of using Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise.
They watch the Food Network, too, where the hosts and chefs are insane about freshly grinding pepper in a pepper mill. I am sure it is stronger but I am not fussy and just as happy to shake it out of a can.
DIETERS STANDING AT OPEN REFRIGERATOR AT MIDNIGHT EATING A GOB OF MAYONNAISE FROM THE JAR
A new survey says that mayonnaise is the second most popular treat for those currently dieting. Of course, ice cream is first. 23.6% find guilty pleasure in mayonnaise.
I HOPE BARACK OBAMA DOESN'T START WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT
Barack Obama is so infatuated with and channeling Abraham Lincoln, I hope it doesn't lead him to wearing a stovepipe hat.
If he did he wouldn't be accused of losing his mind. He has so many sycophants to excuse his behavior the refrain would be "No one ever changed the world complaining about stovepipe hats?"
He might start a fashion trend. The stovepipe hat may become the IN thing to wear. Chris Matthews might start doing his show while his leg tingles wearing a stovepipe hat.
It could cause a fad of teen punks running in cliques as Stovepipe Hatters.
President Obama is like Chance the Gardener in BEING THERE. His sycophants and the goo goo eyed project whatever they want to see on him.
A REPLACEMENT FOR GITMO
President Obama has promised to close Guantanamo to satisfy his more wacko supporters. What to do with a group of cutthroats who spend their day thinking of ways to blow us up or spray us with deadly disease? No one wants them in a Federal Prison near their town. The English sent prisoners to Australia, the French had Devil's Island. Doing something similar would bring howls against cruelty. Here is an idea:
A man from Oklahoma has been trying to build his own country called New Utopia for years. He wants to gang a bunch of oil platforms together south of Cuba and east of the Yucatan Peninsula on a plateau that is only 60 feet deep. This looks to me to be on the super highway for hurricanes headed for the Gulf of Mexico.
Currently, there is only a buoy tied in place to mark the spot and a website for the Principality of New Utopia. He has been accused of running a scam for trying to fraudulently sell citizenships for $1500,
New Utopia international driver's license for $110, and $350 million in bonds.
He renamed himself Prince Lazarus. The prince has big plans for his new country-- A spaceport, movie studios, a 5000 student medical school, international bank and investment center, a giant mall, an oil refinery and refueling station for cruise ships, and gambling casinos.
If it will help him finance the project, I am sure he would put in a Terrorist Prison. He could put in the Terrorist Prison while waiting for his other projects.
On second thought, if our government meddlers are going to continue to bankrupt our country, forget the terrorists, maybe I will move there.
There is another man that has his own country on an oil platform off the coast of Ireland called SEALAND. He has lived there since the 1960s. Sealand's main industry is a website hosting company, I assume for websites of dubious intentions.
IT'S GOOD EATIN'
Folks in Missouri are smacking their lips over Raccoon. You can't buy it at the supermarket, but you might find a fur trapper selling frozen Raccoon out of his trunk for $3 - $7 each. Coon Eaters say it may sound like a horrible idea until you taste one. A Missouri state biologist says raccoon is one of the healthiest meats you can eat.
It does take a lot of work to prepare a raccoon. First, you have to brine it overnight in a bucket of water, salt and vinegar. Next, you boil it for two and a half hours after removing the last paw attached. The law says that the seller must leave one paw on after removing the head, innards and paws to prove it is not a cat, dog or some other varmint. Then, you slow roast after slathering with barbecue sauce and stuffing the cavity with sweet potatoes.
SO, YOU WANT AN ELECTRIC CAR
You can turn any car into an electric car if you take it to an electric car converter company in California. For $55,000 they will put in the electric engine and the power pack-- 5,000 laptop computer batteries. It can travel 120 miles on a charge. You can get a new sports car that will go 200 miles on a charge from TESLA. It will cost you $100,000 and has 10,000 laptop computer batteries. This means that instead of powering 1 million computers you can power 100-200 cars.
There is a motorcycle that runs on 1200 portable power tool batteries.
DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB
UNTIL YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE
Once, the horse and buggy, the railroad, and IBM mainframe computers were the be all and end all and automobiles, airplanes and personal computers were only in the hands of tinkering crackpots.
Right now, oil, coal and nuclear are the be all. Everything else is still in crackpotland. One day, some of the crackpots will make them obsolete. No one knows which ones until the free market decides. It will happen, but we can't put all our eggs in the kook basket. We need to adjust to what we already have that works.
The free market is the best way to decide what is most worthwhile because everyone gets a vote with their money. It is no longer opinion when you have to put your money where your mouth is.
WHAT IS BUBBLEGUM FLAVOR?
I recently stumbled upon how they make the flavor of bubblegum. It is a concoction of wintergreen, peppermint, vanilla and cinnamon flavorings. If anyone asks, now you know.
LOOKING FOR WORK?
If you just got laid off you might consider a career in a new growth industry. Become a REPO MAN. Auto dealers are now giving loans with qualifications more like the sub-prime loans that got us into trouble. Needing someone to take back all the cars is the future.
I claim to have been ripped off by Bernard Madoff. Now, I have a good excuse for being broke.
OVER 200 VIRUSES CAUSE COLDS
According to a doctor on television, going outside and getting cold and wet will not cause you to get a cold. Staying warm inside hanging around germy people touching door knobs and computer keyboards will.
A GUY WHO ONCE THOUGHT HE WAS BOTH SISKEL AND EBERT
Clint Eastwood is once again ruling the box office. I haven't seen the movie yet, but the trailers make it look like what Dirty Harry is like when he retired.
I was watching DIRTY HARRY and noticed when Clint Eastwood throws his badge in the lake he is a southpaw. He is right handed when he is shooting punks.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it
LET'S BAN THE WORD CHANGE, TOO
Every January Lake Superior State University in Sault Ste. Marie publishes a list of 15 Words to Be Banished from the Queen's English for Mis-use, Over-use and General Uselessness.
Green /
Carbon Footprint /
Maverick /
First Dude /
Bailout //
Wall Street/Main Street
// -monkey (all-purpose internet suffix)
// Icon/iconic
// Game changer
/ Staycation
/ Desperate Search
/ Not so much
/ Winner of (number) Nominations
/ It's that time of year again
For next year I nominate- you know, and "nobody wants to buy a car from a bankrupt company"
I have decided to change careers. I want to be a professional BAILOUT RECIPIENT. mrbadideas.com is facing tough times. Nobody wants to read anything posted by a bankrupt website.
MY NEWEST MOVIE PITCH
MARLEY & ME has been number one at the box office for several weeks and has quickly grossed over $100 million. Everyone loves a dog movie. You can't lose. There have been thousands of books written about Abe Lincoln. Movies about Lincoln were once very popular and there hasn't been one for a while. Here is a surefire blockbuster:
GEE, I WONDER IF ANGELINA AND BRAD OR JENNIFER LIKE THIS SONG?
Big star obsession or Obama-like infatuation is nothing new. Broadway actress Ethel Barrymore (Drew's great aunt) was one of the first nationally famous stars and glamor girls. In 1901, she happened to briefly drive past a huge ship that was sinking in the harbor. As if the whole world revolved around her, the newspaper headline in huge bold type read:
ACTRESS SEES SINKING VESSEL
"Election Day is when they auction off stolen money to the highest bid."
--H.L. MENCKEN
Most elections seem to be won by the candidate with the most money. That is why incumbents generally win. The governor of Illinois was trying to sell the Senate seat. He was under investigation for selling other apppointments. Most ambassadorships are bought.
Maybe, we should do away with elections. We could just have the office seekers lineup at the capitol on a specified day. The one who presents the biggest check wins the seat he is seeking. Campaign contributions are really voting by putting money where your mouth is. At least, we would be more honest about it.
DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE
An Israeli official responding to a question about Hamas launching rockets from residential areas to discourage retaliation and possible deaths of innocent civilians said:
"If you are sleeping in a house with rockets, don't plan to wake up in the morning."
IT'S ALL OVER NOW, BABY BLUE
A Canadian company that specializes in divorces, runs ads in a Toronto newspaper with this headline: "Holidays Are Over - You Can Stop Pretending Now."
TAKE ADVICE FROM A CHEAPSKATE AND PARTY LIKE IT'S 1998
There is no reason to buy a new calendar or throw out an old one.
There are only seven permutations of the yearly calendar. For 2009, you can use an old one from a year that matches, such as 1998, or 1970.
We need Christmas Lights more in January than December. We could use something to cheer us up during the most dismal depressing month of the year. Many homes still have their lights up. They just don't get turned on.
WHAT IS AMERICA'S FAVORITE WI-FI HOT SPOT?
Their next door neighbor.
There is a TV ad for a mail order product and the "wait there's more" free gift is a Wi-Fi finder. They show a lady standing in a drive way. I think she is walking down the block desperately using her Wi-Fi finder looking for a signal.
How can you tell if we are in a depression?
When I hop a freight train to head to California to pick fruit.
YOU GOTTA START AT THE BOTTOM TO GET TO THE TOP
On SIXTY MINUTES, Barack Obama once again proudly talked about how he turned down many big money job offers to take a $13,000 a year job as a community organizer. With all of the dealings of the corrupt Chicago political machine coming to light from the "Blago mess" , it finally dawned on me what a community organizer is. A community organizer is an entry level position into the machine of Chicago politics. It is like starting in the mail room or making copies until you learn the ropes in a large company. It is a foot in the door with an eye toward big things to come.
I WANT THE DEAL THEY GIVE THEIR GRANDMA
GM's latest advertising ploy to drum up business to keep from shutting the doors is to offer SUPPLIER DISCOUNTS. Is this really a sweeter deal than the EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT? If I was an auto worker and found out the suppliers were getting a better deal than me, I would go on strike.
NOT WORTH A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT
Many employers give employees the day after Christmas and New Year's Day off because they know that the workers won't be doing any work. They will be talking, shopping and playing on the internet, and seething about being mistreated by having to come in. It is like trying to teach on the last day of school.
A travel expert claims the best thing to eat at an airport is a corn dog.
YOU'RE DOOMED AND DON'T FORGET IT!
The lazy news media has their template. They are pouring it on about how bad holiday sales were. They wouldn't have a story if they couldn't make it seem worse. They report retail sales are down 8 per cent. They fail to mention that gasoline retailing is included. Everyone is driving less and paying nearly half price for gas from last year.
HOW DID YOU GET TO BE SENATOR? I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU
There have been a lot of senate openings since Obama was elected president. The openings are going to be filled not by elections, but through connections and pay offs of one kind or another.
This reminds me of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. A peasant asks King Arthur how he became king. King Arthur explains that the Lady of the Lake presented him with Excalibur. The peasant replies:
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government.
you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
We will soon have a government picked by Watery Tarts.
RUNNING OUT OF SUCKERS
Bernard Madoff did it with a smile. Social Security does it with threats of taking you stuff or throwing you in the pokey. Ponzi/Pyramid schemes depend on a never ending supply of suckers.
From 1937 to 2005, Social Security took in more than $10.7 trillion in taxes and gave out more than $8.9 trillion. So far, so good. It is projected to run a surplus until 2018 when the baby boomers retire and start cleaning it out. The social security "lock box" will run out of money by 2040.
Farmers once had a lot of kids for their free labor. We need to make more kids, again.
INSTEAD OF HIDING YOUR MONEY UNDER YOUR MATTRESS invest in wheelbarrows. With the way the government is throwing money around for bailouts, everyone will soon need a wheelbarrow to cart their worthless inflated dollars to the store to buy a loaf of bread.
NEW MICHIGAN STATE MOTTO
Every mayor or county politician from every podunk factory town in Michigan has been trotted out on cable news shows to campaign for a bailout and repeat the refrain:
Nobody wants to buy a car from a bankrupt company
Are they planning to put it on the license plates?
BURGERAMA
At LUNCHBOX LABORATORY restaurant in Seattle, one of their burger meat choices is DORK. DORK is a combination of Duck and pORK.
PUTTING ON MY SHYSTER THINKING CAP
Bernard Madoff has hired a pack of high powered attorneys. How do you defend the terrible thing that he has done? He has lost life savings. Collapsed endowments for orphanages. Forced the sale of $20 million dollar beach front estates so the hornswaggled owners can make ends meet.
Here is a defense. Bernard Madoff is a very busy man. People were throwing their money at him to invest. He didn't really want to, but he took their money as a favor. As I said, he was a very busy man. He didn't have time to get around to investing the money. He meant to.
He didn't want to let anyone down. Everyone was expecting a return. So, he just took out the check book. There was money in the bank. A lot of money. He knew he would eventually get around to investing it. He could cover the interest now and replace it with the big returns he would eventually make when he got around to investing it. After all, he is a financial genius. Some even say he is a wizard. It would all even out in the wash, but Bernard is also a victim. He is a victim of Bush. That is why he became such a big contributor to Obama.
Donald Trump says Madoff hung around country clubs asking him and other rich folks into putting money in his fund.
I AM THE LAW!
Two recent movies illustrate leaders drunk with power.
The trailer for FROSTNIXON they keep showing has President Nixon stating: "When a president does it, it's not illegal."
The HBO film HOUSE OF SADDAM shows a Saddam Hussein quote- "The law is anything I write down on a piece of paper."
FAST EDDIE'S FINANCIAL SERVICES
CLICK TO ENLARGE
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED and
YOU CAN'T CHEAT AN HONEST MAN
Pyramid schemer Bernard Madoff accomplished what most liberals only dream of- making rich people poor. He made $50 billion disappear without really trying. He traded on his impeccable reputation. The super rich begged him to take their money which he took as a favor. Madoff limited his customers to a small elite group who told all their friends about how smart they were. Because of their greed, nobody questioned the high rates of return he paid, why the returns didn't seem to fluctuate with the market or why the accountant overseeing the books was someone no one had ever heard of. It proves the old flim-flam man saw- "You can't cheat an honest man"
He wasn't a very good pyramid schemer. How it is supposed to work- the suckers at the bottom of a pyramid scheme get fleeced and the guy on top runs off with the money to some country that doesn't extradite. He claims to have run out of money.
I was watching the Business News network and got tired of hearing stories about crooks and scandals, so I turned the channel to THE SOPRANOS reruns on A & E.
The characters seemed more honest.
THE ATM: WHERE YOU CAN ALWAYS GET CASH FOR YOUR LATE NIGHT BRIBES
The corrupt governor of Illinois trying to sell the senator appointment reminded me of another governor bribe story. All of those involved are pushing up daisies. I knew a "character" who was a 50ish black sheep of his family. His father was a well respected businessman and pillar of the community who still talked to him, but was through with bailing him out of trouble. The son was a lawyer and wheeler-dealer that operated from his car. He was always involved in some "big deal". As far as I know, they were all honest. He had a lot of prosperous contacts and amazingly many of his "big deals" paid off. He was always broke because he had to take the money he made on the "big deal" to pay people he owed from previous deals.
He got caught with drugs in his car. He claimed he had taken it away from his nephew then forgot to dispose of them. A governor of a large state had been defeated and was in the final days in office. He scurried around getting everything in order to send in $10,000 for a pardon. I don't remember if he got it, but he didn't spend any time in prison. He rekindled a romance and married a rich old high school sweetheart. He died and is now buried in her flower bed on her estate.
C'MON, YOU THROW LIKE MY MOTHER
President Bush dodged the shoes thrown by the ungrateful Iraqi journalist like a pro. He looked like he was once a great dodgeball player. If he wasn't president, I think he could have grabbed a shoe and beaned the guy on the run.
I think we should line up all the members of Congress and chunk shoes at them. Not only on general principle, but to see who wimps out and dodges the shoes like a little girl.
DO YOU HAVE A FUNNY FEELING?
Have you ever wondered if someone was spying on you? Why would they do such a thing? What have they got on you so far?
This was once called paranoia. Now, someone might be video recording you and getting ready to share it with the world. On television they advertise a sound amplification device and show people walking around eavesdropping on their neighbor's conversations. Get two for $19.95 plus shipping and handling! The wiretapping of the corrupt governor has started folks worrying again.
A Harvard study claims that rhinotillexis is down 70%. The decline is a result of people being afraid of showing up on YouTube because there are cameras everywhere. Rhinotillexis means- picking one's nose with one's fingers.
THE GIFT THAT CEASES GIVING
It turns out Gift Cards are almost as big of a scam to give for Christmas as a lottery ticket. If you don't spend your Gift Card fast enough the value of the card disappears. Some cards have expiration dates. Some start charging maintenace fees until the value is gone- $2 a month, $5 dollars a month, $25 after so many days and another $25 after so many days. The stores or credit card companies get a big pile of money from the buyers which they can earn interest on until they have to pay out. A certain percentage of cards will never be redeemed. They get an interest free loan and then have the gall to charge you for letting them keep it for you. The money is not piled up in a vault. There is nothing to maintain. They don't even need a janitor to dust it every now and again.
Now, there is something to new to worry about. If the Gift Card's store goes bankrupt and many are on the verge, the cards become worthless.
OLD WIVES TALE DEBUNKED
Freezing batteries extend their storage life. Is it an old wives tale or an urban legend? It depends on how old you are. According to a battery expert, freezing batteries doesn't do anything.
If you are a congressman, keeping batteries in your freezer just takes up room where you could hide your bribes.
Gas prices are dropping so fast it may soon be Free!
IF YOU NEED A LOAN TO MAKE PAYROLL, YOU HAVE A BAD BUSINESS
Could it be, Bank of America wouldn't loan the window company money because it was a sick business? Apparently it was a Hail Mary to stay in business. The workers held a sit in until the government intruded. If you have run out of money, there is no money to pay anybody. You'll have to wait for bankruptcy court.
The government bullied Bank of America into making a bad loan that is not likely to be paid back. Isn't this is the kind of thinking that has gotten us into the mess we are in.
UNCLE WALT WON'T BE COMING BACK
December 5th was Walt Disney's 107th birthday.
Contrary to popular belief, Uncle Walt's head was not frozen when he died so they could defrost him in the future when medical innovation caught up. According to Neal Gabler's recent biography, Walt Disney was cremated and the ashes are at Forest Lawn cemetery.
Walt Disney was one of the greatest dreamers of all time, but a lot of credit has to be given to his brother, Roy, who had to figure out how to finance Walt's crazy ideas.
If you tell a lie that is big enough, people will believe it.
HOT TO SPOT A FAKE I.D.
If the picture on the I.D. has more than one person in it.
DOUGHNUT SHOPS NEED BAILOUT
One way businesses are economizing to stave off having to lay people off is- NO MORE FREE DOUGHNUTS FOR EMPLOYEES.
This is going to hit doughnut shops hard. They may not survive. No one wants to buy a doughnut from a doughnut shop in bankruptcy. Get the federal checkbook ready or face a doughnutless future.
SOLVING THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS SITTING IN THE BATHROOM
Congress is shaming the Big 3 Auto CEOs into cutting their salaries to $1 a year. I was wondering how you get paid $1 a year. Do they pay you in a lump sum. Do you get a weekly check for 2 cents or do you get 4 cents on the first and fifteenth?
I hated getting paid weekly. In principle, your pay averages out to so much a month. Most months only have four weeks, so you make less than the average that month. Every three months you get an extra week which is like a bonus and you feel rich until you have to set 2/3 of if it aside to cover the short week months. Once a year, you have to wait four months for the extra week.
AAARGGH
Last year,
British ships were patrolling the waters off Africa trying to stop rampaging Somali pirates. They were ordered by the British government not to return them to Somalia because they would be beheaded per Somali justice. They were also ordered not to capture the pirates and bring them back to England. If they step on British shores they can ask for and be granted asylum. The British legal system would cause a whole new problem- Somali pirates running free in the country.
In the old days, they didn't have to contend with such problems.
When the British tracked down Blackbeard they killed him, and the Captain cut off his head and carried it around as a souvenir tacked to the masthead.
YOU WOULD ONLY HAVE TO ASK
THEM TO TURN THAT #@%$! THING DOWN ONCE
A couple of years ago, a cruise ship that was attacked by pirates off the coast of Africa repeled the invaders with some kind of sonic gun that blasted high decibel sounds at them.
I need one of those sonic guns to use against cars that are like rolling earthquakes- their sound turned up too high and their bass rumbling my windows.
I know they are being generous sharing their music with me, but would it be possible to take an electrophonic gun and blow out their speakers?
STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF
The world has gone mad. A while back, the Dollar Store raised its price to $1.09. Now, McDonald's is raising their price on Double Cheeseburgers from a buck to $1.19. Do they expect me to shove my arm under the car seat or down into the cushions to dig out change?
McDonald's is creating a new sandwich to sell for a dollar- The McDouble which will have only have one slice of cheese. Will they balk if I ask them to slice the cheese in half and put one on top of each patty so I can be fooled to believe I am still getting a Double Cheeseburger?
I don't know if I can live in a world like this.
IN GOD WE TRUST ALL AUTOMOBILE COMPANIES PAY CASH
I noticed that the TV has been flooded with car ads. It seems like more than normal. I hope the TV stations are making them pay cash because if they are on 30 days the stations may be left holding the bag.
STOP MAKING PENNIES SCREAM
Everyone is holding onto their money and ruining the economy. According to news puppetheads, if we don't frivolously waste every cent that gets in our hands, we are doomed. I know when the economy will recover. The economy will recover when everyone feels secure that they are not on the verge of getting canned.
MY LATEST MOVIE PLOT IDEA
MAY NEED A REWRITE
A President of the United States mysteriously dies.
His vice-president was his bitter rival in the primaries who he reluctantly chose as a running mate. He was the only thing standing between her and her life long obsessive dream.
She dies suddenly. The Speaker of the House becomes the president. A woman that pictures herself as the Queen Bee.
The president pro tem of the Senate keels over from old age and the shock of becoming president.
I need to move the bitter rival character to Secretary of State, which would be the next in line for the presidency. A new mysterious death for the Queen Bee would be needed. Maybe, the Secretary of State challenges the Speaker to a duel like Vice President Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton.
The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.
IT'S SUPER LAZY NEWS WEEK
Thanksgiving week is the week that Lazy TV newsrooms wait for all year.
The days before Thanksgiving, reporters will be parked at the airport and will be amazed at how many people are there flying somewhere that day. That is good for killing a few minutes. Then, Friday they can go to a mall parking lot and be amazed by how many cars are there that day. If they are really lazy, they can rerun their reports from last year. Who can tell the difference?
I am thinking of moving to Detroit. I heard you can get a good job at an Auto plant,
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
Daddy's Little Girl wanted a credit card. The credit card company wasn't so sure. Daddy's Little Girl's heroes were Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
Daddy said, "C'mon. Give my little girl a credit card. If she isn't able to pay the bill, I will."
So, Daddy's Little Girl got her card and headed off to the mall. The credit card company soon noticed she had racked up quite a bill. This was good. They said we can sell the debt, take the money now and split the money. Selling her debt was easy. Daddy was going to pay if she wouldn't.
The buyer was no fool. He now had a new asset. "Hey, we can borrow against it. Daddy is going to pay." What a deal.
The credit card company thought "This is great. We can go find lots of Daddy's Little Girls. Everyone can buy, sell, get loans and split the money. We can trust the Daddy's Little Girls to run up the bill. They probably can't pay it back. We don't care. We have Daddy."
Word got around. Scoundrels and scalawags heard about it. They made plans. They could drive around in a truck, grab twits with daddies off the sidewalk and shove a credit card in their hand.
Soon, there were too many Daddy's Little Girls with credit cards who couldn't pay and the banks, investors and insurance companies had bought, sold, borrowed, split the money and were living off the fat of the land. Uh-oh. If the depositors find out, they are going to rush the bank, take their money and hide it in their mattress.
DADDY!!!!! Could we have 700 Billion Dollars?
LOOK! DADDY'S WALLET IS OPEN
After word got around that Daddy's Little Girl got bailed out from her money problems by Daddy, her shiftless brother, reprobate relatives and other rapscallions started showing up with their hand out.
READER COMMENTS ON THEIR GOOD EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH ANYTHING ADMINISTERED BY THE GOVERNMENT
Thank You for sharing
I once had a wonderful experience at the post office. I didn't have to stand in line to buy stamps and I didn't have to wait for a counterperson to finish their break.
DON'T HAVE DINNER WITH CHARLIE CHAPLIN
I don't know if it is a true story or a story told to keep people from panicking and dumping their stocks. The story is Charlie Chaplin and Irving Berlin had dinner the night before the day the stock market crashed in 1929. Charlie Chaplin told Irving Berlin he should immediately sell all of his stocks just as he had.
WAITING FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO SOLVE A PROBLEM IS LIKE EXPECTING TO SEE A UNICORN
My politics.
I believe in Free Enterprise and not wanting to get blown up.
I am fond of the interstate highway system.
GO HOME? I AM HOME
Have you noticed that when congressmen and senators leave office they don't move back home. They couldn't bear to leave the goldmine.
Virginia and Maryland have 500 representatives and the rest of us are left out. They don't have to worry about what the folks back home want until the next election. Officially Washington DC has no representatives, but Georgetown mansions are loaded with them. They got National (Reagan) airport closed down after 10 PM so the jets won't disturb them.
We should have a lottery instead of an election to pick congressmen. Randomly picking them would give us a lot fewer lawyers and ego maniacs and more people that aren't in sombody's pocket. After their term, they go home.
Every election, candidates spend several billion dollars to convince you their opponent is the lowest slime to ever walk on the earth. This must mean we elect the second lowest slimes to ever walk on earth.
ELECTION DISAPPOINTMENT? IF YOU FEEL THAT ALL IS LOST AND YOU CAN'T GO ON
What a way to go. Eating plates and plates of Chicken Fried Bacon with cream gravy.
Sodolak's Original Country Inn-- Snook, Texas
I would post the video, but I thought I was having a heart attack after I watched it and I can't be responsible.
How many parents of teenagers are not nearly bald from pulling their hair out?
MRBADIDEAS.COM READ ALL AROUND THE WORLD AND CANADA
Is this like a CAT BLOG?
A CAT BLOG is one where you write about you and your cat, and nobody but you and your cat would be interested in reading it. And your cat can�t read.
I don't have a cat.
SHUT UP AND SING
I was watching an interview with famous A & R man John Koladner. An A & R man works for record companies finding new talent, acts as the middle man with the artists and listens to their albums to spot the hit singles. He has been one of the record industries most successful A & R men helping artists like Aerosmith, Journey, Bon Jovi, Madonna, Cher, Madonna.
Koladner said that most music artists are selfish and only care about themselves. He said thay hate A & R men because they are the only people in their life who will criticize them and tell them no.
BEWARE of people with a new way of doing things. There may be a reason why people in the past learned not to do it that way.
THE YAPPY MEAL
I was reading an Advertising Age article that suggested dog meals at the drive-thru window. I started wondering how many people buy their dogs a hamburger at fast food restaurants? The writer posed a conscientious owner dog snack of a bottle of water, a package of dog food and a dog treat. Any Dog Spoiler knows they want a hamburger. I had an Australian Shepherd named Rascal and his number one favorite thing in the world was riding in the car. His dream YAPPY MEAL would have been a small plain hamburger and a cup of ice. He loved crushed ice from Sonic Drive-in which is almost like a snow cone. He would sit in the back seat and eat the ice so fast he would get Brain Freeze.
CLEAN THIS MESS UP. I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER
The conventions are over. Most decisions were made not on the floor but in the back rooms.
In the past, they would have been made in smoke filled rooms. Things are now decided in a legally mandated smoke-free room.
Maybe, the term for the shenanigan laden decision site can be updated to Starbuck's cup filled room or Big Gulp cup filled room. The room must be filled with something.
TIMES HAVE CHANGED
If you ask a stranger if they can give you the time, they will probably think you are a homeless panhandler. They know that you don't have a cell phone.
GONE WITH THE WIND
The latest craze for nutty politicians is windmills. New York City's mayor Bloomberg is talking about putting wind mills on the top of the skyscrapers and bridges. This idea will be DOA after all the complaints of wind mills ruining million dollar views by green hypocrites.
Government meddlers can't seem to get their stuff together for the Freedom Towers to be built to replace the World Trade Center. Perhaps, they should put up 1776 foot tall pinwheels instead.
When the fad dies out, in fifty years will the United States be the home of miles and miles of dilapidated abandoned rusty wind farms?
UPDATE: The windmills on bridges and skyscraper idea lasted only one day. Time for another idea. They could round up the 8 million rats in New York City and put them to work on squirrel cages (hamster wheels) making electricity.
A NEW KIND OF PICKUP LINE?
One of my twin daughters (I have 3 children- Butch, Spike and Rocko) just moved back to New York City. She was walking down the street and was approached by a prosperous looking well dressed man. He was quite a bit older than her and claimed to be famous.
He complimented her by telling her how beautiful she was from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. He made several other observations about the beauty of her feet?
He asked her if he could take her to dinner. She politely declined. He then offered to buy her a pair of new shoes at Manolo Blahnik. I somehow know Carrie on Sex and the City is crazy about them, and they run over $700 a pair. She declined. Her friends told her she should have taken him up on it, then returned them for a refund.
I wonder if this is a pick up line that works, or just an overenthusiastic interest in feet. I have read that even in this down economy, women that buy designer shoes are not economizing on them. If they have a choice between paying the mortgage and buying designer shoes, they will be moving into a van down by the river.
Women choose shoes to impress other women. I don't think I have ever paid much attention to a woman's shoes. I guess I might notice if she was wearing combat boots.
PLEASE SIR, COULD I HAVE SOME MORE?
If you ate the same diet as Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, you would gain over 70 pounds in a month. In a year, you would be one of those guys they have to extract from their house with a crane.
RENEWABLE SUSTAINABLE ENERGY AND WHATEVER BUZZ WORDS
Wind Power and Solar Power is all the current rage for alternative energy. I have another. Put generators on stationary exercise bikes to create electricity. You will not only get exercise but will be doing your part to save the planet. Like the wind not blowing and the sun not shining it has a draw back. We could have brown outs and black outs if not enough people felt like it that day.
THE PUNCTUATION NAZI
There are few things that cause as much dread as a stickler for the English language reading something you have written. Who wants to be ripped apart? There is a million selling book called
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
that urges serve penalties.
For example,
you better use its and it's correctly.
Getting your itses mixed up is the greatest solecism in the world of punctuation. No matter that you have a PhD and have read all of Henry James twice. If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best" you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.
CORNERING THE DROOL MARKET
Everyone has heard the expression "licking your wounds" and have noticed animals licking theirs . It works. Scientists in the Netherlands have discovered that the protein histatin in saliva actually promotes faster healing. They plan to make a drug thus turning something free into something expensive. Where is my drool bucket.
If you get a paper cut while sealing an envelope you're killing two birds with one stone.
There are 500 million Twinkies made each year. Chicago is number one in per capita Twinkie consumption. There are, also, 1800 hot dog stands in Chicago.
LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND SPITEFUL
If you ask someone to name a hotel in New York City, most would immediately answer- The Waldorf-Astoria. The Waldorf=Astoria was built because of an Astor family feud. The Astors acquired their fortune buying up most of the land on Manhattan Island. They were known as "the Landlords of New York."
Caroline Astor was the wife of the grandson of John Jacob Astor, the founder of the family fortune. Caroline was the grand dame of New York City society.
She is famous for hosting extravagant Balls limiting the guest list to 400 from old money New York City families. She started the closed society to keep her daughters away from newly rich uncouth ruffians. Some would go out of town the weekend of the Balls to avoid the embarrassment of not being on the list.
Caroline Astor insisted on being called "the Mrs. Astor". This upset her nephew who complained his wife was a Mrs. Astor, too. To hack her off he built a huge hotel, The Waldorf, next to her house. Caroline's son threated to build a stable right next to the hotel to treat his cousin's guests to the fumes. He thought better of it, moved his mother to a bigger house and built another hotel next door to the Waldorf. He built it taller so the Astoria would cast shadows on the Waldorf. Business is business and they eventually built a corridor called Peacock Alley connecting the two hotels.
The hotel was later moved to its current location and the land of the original became the site for the Empire State Building.
SPEAKING OF SPITE
A SPITE HOUSE is a house built for the sole reason of getting revenge. Many were built during the 1800s by folks rich enough and mean enough. Some are still standing. They tend to be very narrow, 6 or 7 feet wide and were built on some kind of disputed land.
They were built because of a fight between neighbors, families, someone and a church, to stop shortcuts through adjacent alleys, and to stop roads from being built.
Some Spite houses you can still stop by to see: The Skinny House in Boston, Hollensbury Spite House in Alexandria, Virginia, Tyler Spite House (now a bed and breakfast) Frederic, Maryland, and Edleston Spite House in Gainford, England.
The SKINNY HOUSE was built in the 1870's. Two brothers inherited land from their father. They didn't bother to divide the property, and while one brother was away in the military, the other brother built a large house on it. When the traveling brother returned home,he saw what his brother had done and out of spite built a small house on the land that was left. It measures 6.2 to just over 10 feet wide plus it blocked his brother's nice view.
YOU CAN QUOTE ME
I just added a new page with a compilation of brilliance. It is a collection of assorted quotes from mrbadideas.com. Maybe, you can find one you can sell to the READER'S DIGEST.
After watching C-SPAN, I wonder who in the world elected these people. Some don't seem to be able to walk and chew gum.
The approval rating for congress has sunk to 9%. The margin between their approval rating and zero is the people that don't know anything and don't have an opinion that answer the pollsters: "Ummm. I guess they're all right."
LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
Jesse Jackson recently exposed how he really thinks and how he really is when an open microphone caught him saying he was going to cut Barack Obama's "nuts" off.
This reminded me of the Uncle Don story. Uncle Don had a wildly popular children's story radio program in New York City from the late 1920s to the 1940s. He made a slip that he denied ever happened until his dying day. There is no recording of it and there is a 75 year old controversy over whether it ever happened. Most people only remember his name because of it.
After Uncle Don said his Goodbyes at the end of his program, the engineer forgot to shut off his microphone. He reportedly said "There, that ought to hold the little bastards."
WHO WOULD EVER NEED THIS JUNK?
In the middle to late 1800s, before the automobile, oil was refined and used mostly as kerosene. Gasoline was considered the waste from the oil and was dumped in the river.
HIS DADDY MADE HIM MEAN AS A SNAKE
One of Cornelius Vanderbilt's favorite terms for his son, William, who he deemed shiftless, was BLATHERSKITE.
A blatherskite is a foolish babbling person.
The dictionary says the Middle English skite means diarrhea and in Old Norse it is something even worse. Cornelius also called him a blockhead, sucker and good for nothing. This sounds like child abuse.
Cornelius is the #10 richest man (adjusted to today) that ever lived. William is #4. William inherited all of his daddy's money while his brother's were disowned. Cornelius thought William was the only one ruthless enough to keep his amassed wealth intact.
WRISTWATCH MAKERS ARE THE NEW BUGGY WHIP FACTORY
Wristwatch makers are facing doom. Studies show that young punks no longer look to their wrists for the time. They check one of their electronic devices.
I demand the
government step in to protect the wrist watch industry. They should regulate all electronic clocks on portable devices and require them to run fast or slow.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for
leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
GET READY FOR A WATERMELON SHORTAGE
A researcher recently claimed a substance in watermelon rind is a natural Viagra. Watermelon contains cetrulline which relaxes and dilates the blood vessels, and promotes the production of Nitric Oxide. Nitric Oxide is what you naturally need and Viagra chemically creates.
There may be melees over the last slice of watermelon at the July 4th picnic. If you load up on watermelon you may solve one problem and create another. Romance is difficult when you constantly need to run to the bathroom.
AMERICANS RUNNING FOR THE BORDER
Mexican officials have held gasoline prices to about half the price in the United States, so American motorists are flocking across the border for a deal. Ever heard of a deal to good to be true?
Buying gasoline in Mexico is one big shakedown. 85% of the gas pumps are rigged to pump less than the meter says. All of the gas stations are Pemex franchises and Pemex sets the price, so there is no competition. Gas station owners don't post prices and have been known to water down the gas.
Environmental standards aren't as strict in Mexico, so too many fill-ups can damage catalytic converters and engines.
Gas station attendants dressed in Pemex uniforms are not paid employees. They wrangle for tips, short change and quick change customers that are not paying attention.
YANKEE GO HOME
Some drivers are installing 80 gallon gas tanks on their trucks and SUVs then heading across the border to load up on cheap Mexican gas. Gas sales in Tijuana have gone up 25%. This is causing a gas shortage with long lines. Some stations are running out of gas and closing up. Some gas station owners have started refusing to sell gas to Americans.
EXPERT PREDICTS $1000 BARREL OIL
An expert predicts $1000 per barrel oil by the year 3000. I am the expert. I decided to become an expert because experts appear on television and are quoted in the media all the time and no one checks out their credentials.
Most people never read past the headline and believe it as gospel.
I have followed the basic rules for perfect expertdom. I made a claim that will shake everyone up and I placed it so far in the future everyone will be too dead to see if it comes true.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY. WATCH SOME BASTARD LOUSE IT UP.
There is a new movement called
Shopdropping. Shopdropping is the reverse of shop lifting- you put things on the store shelf instead of stealing from it. If a shopdropper is caught, police are puzzled as to what to charge them with.
Most shopdroppers are mush heads who believe it is their moral imperative to fight consumerism and make people get their mind right. Some do it to promote themselves and get free advertising. Either way they have contributed more Spam to life.
They didn't have a name for it, but putting poisoned Tylenol on the shelf was shopdropping, too.
Sales of SPAM (or Pork Mystery Meat) are way up. When the economy slips, many people think they are economizing by buying it. SPAM costs more per pound than ground meat.
SINK WATER, THE VERSATILE BEVERAGE
When I was a kid, I loved the different tastes of water when we would go out of town. I asked my father- "Why don't they sell water in bottles at the store?" The answer was "No one would buy it." I was ahead of my time. If I had started water entrepreneurship as a 9 year old, I would have spent many years on the brink of financial ruin, but would now be a billionaire.
Rising gas prices and worries about the economy are leading
people back to sink water. If you drink 64 oz (the prescribed eight 8 oz glasses a day) and buy bargain bottled water it costs you over $400 a year. If you drink sink water it only costs you 50 cents a year.
Stay hydrated.
SAVE NOW PAY LATER
There is speculation that rising gas prices will result in a baby boom. Folks are canceling plans to go out on the town and finding an inexpensive way to occupy their time. I think burning some gas will be cheaper.
ROTTEN TOMATOES
Can someone be charged with attempted murder if they throw possibly salmonella tainted tomatoes at a bad actors and singers on stage?
Human behavior is like water. No matter how you try to control them, both will always find the leaks. People do what is in their immediate best interests.
EAT HEALTHY
Our food supply keeps getting tainted by disease or getting too expensive because it is being used up to make ethanol. Spinach was pulled last year because it was full of e-coli. Peanut Butter was a treat gone bad. You never know when your meat might one day give you mad cow disease and turn your brain into Swiss Cheese. Now, we can't have tomatoes.
The only food that may be safe is Fried Coke. If you are watching your weight, eat Fried Diet Coke.
DON'T USE $4 WORTH OF GAS TO BUY A $1 HAMBURGER AT THE DRIVE-THRU
Fast Food franchisees are balking at the $1 value menus promoted by their franchisers. The Dollar menus bring in lots of customers, and have been the main contributor to increased sales, but the owners claim increase in commodity prices and higher minimum wages cut into the margins. The owners want to raise the price and want the franchisers to stop spending so much of the advertising money on promoting the cheap menu. The franchisers say the sweet spot for getting the attention of customers is $1. Plus, the franchiser gets their percentage right off the top. The restaurant owner gets the squeeze.
Sometimes in business, you can fool yourself by being extremely busy and feel you are working hard, but not make any money because you are charging too little. You can make more money by charging a better price but being less busy.
There were two guys named Clem and Elmer. They decided to go into the watermelon selling business. They drove over to Farmer John's Watermelon Patch and bought watermelons from him for 1 dollar a piece. They loaded up their truck drove down the road and found a spot by the side of the road they thought would be a prime location for selling watermelons. Clem and Elmer put up a big sign that read WATERMELONS- $1 each. They started selling their watermelons and sales were brisk. After a couple of hours, Clem said to Elmer, "Hey, we aren't making any money!" Elmer said to Clem. "Yea, I know. We need a bigger truck."
WE'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD YOU RASCAL YOU
The designer of the Pringles can was so proud of his design that when he died recently his children honored his request and put his ashes into a Pringles can. The Pringles can couldn't hold all of him so they put the rest in an urn.
Some folks have been buried in their favorite car or in a costume of their favorite fictional character. There is a casket company that makes themed caskets.
I love hamburgers. When I die I think I should be buried between two buns.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it.
A REASON FOR THE WAR IN IRAQ
Nobody has said it, but it is the same as the theory of
how to keep from getting beaten up or raped in prison. On the first day, you find the biggest meanest nastiest ugliest inmate, go up to him and bust him in the nose or hit him over the head with a chair. Everyone gets the message you are not to be messed with.
Saddam Hussein and his even worse sadistic sons were the biggest maniacs with dangerous intentions. Saddam had already ignored ultimatums numbering in the teens from the spineless wimps of the UN. As any weak parent knows, if you aren't willing to back up your threatened discipline, you are going to get your rear end kicked (physically or emotionally).
When you stand up to the biggest, the other evil doers take notice and the cost for any actions they may be considering goes up.
The trouble is we gave the Iraqis their country back on a silver platter and they were so beaten down they weren't willing to take it and defend it. At least, the Kurds were ready to take care of themselves.
Thank you to all that have been willing to fight for our Freedom to live, think and go wherever and whatever we want.
WHY ME LORD. SEE YOU IN COURT.
The Blame Game is in full swing.
Everybody is suing everybody else for whatever frivolous reason. They say if there is only one lawyer in town he will starve to death. If there are two, they will both live in mansions on the hill. It is a good thing they limit law school enrollment.
Congress just passed a bill to sue OPEC for charging too much for oil.
I am waiting for someone to sue GOD for destruction caused by a natural disaster. I have a defense. A hurricane, or earthquake or flood (with you living on the river bank) was going to come through wherever it came through whether you were there are not. It is up to you to not be there.
THE SECRET TO SUCCESS
I don't have too many good thing to say about the Clintons, but I do admire them for one thing. PERSISTENCE.
Bill and Hillary do embrace the number one principle for success in any endeavor. They have proved it time after time. NEVER GIVE UP.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
--Plato
MY NEW HOBBY
I almost don't have time to add anything to Mr Bad Ideas Notebook. I am too busy looking up the most popular baby names since 1880.
MYRTLE was #27 in 1894 but dropped out of the Top 1000 in 1965. DUDLEY hung around number 300 - 500 for nearly 100 years but dropped off the chart in 1970. Floyd started losing steam after 1938 and is no longer in the Top 1000.
Here is another report in the award winning series on television newsrooms always on the lookout for an easy story to fill up time on the nightly news:
Reporters are being sent to the gas station to ask people filling up their car what they think of rising gas prices. It's incredible!. They are all against it.
Congress is where bloated blowhards congregate to do things to impress the ignorant and enrich their friends.
Conspiracies are good for selling books, too.
YUCKY!
This story first appeared two years ago when
the city of San Diego proposed to treat sewage and return it to the municipal water supply. They said it would help save them from future water shortages. Now, Los Angeles has decided it is a good idea.
The water can be treated and filtered with reverse osmosis to be just as clean as any water. It is just the thought.
Butch, Spike and Rocko (my son and daughters) would like to add this comment: OOOOH. YUCKY!
In reality, all water is recycled sewage.
Opponents say that only the poor will be drinking sink water. Rich folks will buy bottled water. Most people think that bottled water comes from some pristine idyllic pool of water in a beautiful green valley unsullied by human existence. It is usually just filtered city water.
A reader writes that the water goes through the people of London 7 times a day.
NEITHER A BORROWER OR LENDER BE
When you receive a credit card offer, don't look at the advertised interest rate they are offering. Look at the circular for the default rate. This is the rate they are going to use every trick up their sleeve
to put you on as soon as possible. (sometimes over 30%)
Do you say it doesn't matter what the rate is because "I pay off the balance each month"? If you pay off the balance, you don't need a credit card. It can only be a temptation to get in trouble. Save up an emergency fund. Use the Visa or Master Card debit card that comes with your bank account. They operate with the same rules of no obligation if your card is lost or stolen.
EDDIE DOESN'T EAT SQUIRREL ANYMORE SINCE HE FOUND OUT THEY WERE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL
Squirrel is becoming the meat of choice for the strident global warming gang. They claim squirrels have a very small carbon footprint compared to cows. Cow flatulence is a major part of raising carbon dioxide levels and there is a lot of transportation involved in getting their meat to market.
Other recent squirrel eating news:
Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview that when he was in college they fried squirrels in the only cooking device allowed in their dorm room- a popcorn popper.
Some wags thought he admitted it to get in good with hillbilly voters in the South Carolina primary. He may be going after the New Jersey vote judging by this news report from last year:
A warning has gone out for New Jersey squirrel hunters-DON'T EAT SQUIRREL MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK. The New Jersey squirrels have been exposed to toxic sludge so caution is advised.
DON'T BRING A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT
The new Indiana Jones movie is out along with a new DVD of the Indiana Jones trilogy.
One of my favorite movie scenes is from "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". It is the scene in the marketplace where Indiana Jones comes up against the mighty swordsman.
The huge swordsman is dressed in his finery, swinging a giant sword in a well choreographed show of superiority. Indiana stops gives a look then whips out a pistol and shoots the swordsman dead.
Originally this scene was supposed to be a sword fight, but Harrison Ford was feeling weak from the traveler's scourge and didn't feel up to the three days it would take to practice and shoot the sword fight. So, he suggested to Steven Speilberg- why don't we just shoot him and Speilberg said all right that he was thinking the same thing.
SUPPLY AND DEMAND OF GRANDCHILDREN
With the high divorce rate, many children have two families and six or more grandparents. The demand for visits from the grandchildren is high, but the supply is low. The creators of FREAKONOMICS say this is why retired couples with no children at home buy bigger houses than they need centrally located so they can snag more grandchildren time.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR
This is tornado season and the recent outbreaks of killer tornadoes reminded me of this.
Did your mother or grandma warn you to always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident?
Minton Sparks, who tells stories set to music, was interviewed while promoting her CD- Sin Sick. She said she was once a social worker and what she loved most were the stories people told her. Minton told the story from a man about the time a tornado came through the farm area where he lived when he was a child.
The tornado had run through the neighbor's farm and threw the woman that lived there up into a tree. She was not badly hurt, but got stuck in the tree. When everyone came to help, they could see up her skirt and notice that she was wearing holey underwear.
The man's grandmother became extremely distressed. They didn't have much money, but she scraped up enough to go out and buy the best most expensive pair of underwear she could find.
Whenever the wind would pick up, she would go to her bureau, pull out her expensive underwear and slip them on. She called them her "tornado drawers".
AND THEY GET FREE ICE CREAM, TOO!
Raul Castro just announced that it is now legal in Cuba to buy a desktop computer, cell phone and stay in the fancy international hotels. Not that anyone can afford any of these things.
Two years ago in May, Fidel Castro in a move that would delight Teddy Kennedy raised the minimum wage in Cuba from $5 to $11. That's a month.
He left out government workers and other professionals for pay raises. Fidel remedied that. Doctors got a $7.40 increase and those with a master's degree got a $1.50 to $4 raise. A month.
Housing, education and other basics in Cuba are free and everything else is subsidized. Basically paychecks are equivalent to Daddy giving you an allowance.
But, this opens the door of basic free enterprise. Somebody saves his money and buys a tool that is needed, but no one can afford, or a group chips in to buy it. Then, they break up the usage into smaller chunks and charge for it. People can pay for the amount of time they can afford. Everyone is better off.
Don't tell Raul.
WHO NEEDS WATERBOARDING?
I was watching Hillary's interview by Bill O'Reilly and she was still against Waterboarding to pry information out of terrorists. She says because it is cruel.
Hillary doesn't need to waterboard anyone. Just put a terrorist in a room with her for a while and they will turn into a quivering mess of jelly willing to tell you everything they know.
HAPPY COMMIE DAY
May Day. The day when some young punks think it is cool to pull out their Hammer and Sickle, Mao, Marx or Lenin t-shirts. Some tiny motley groups staged motley parades marching on downtown sidewalks carrying handwritten poster board signs and banging on a drum. The commie contingents are usually led by a deluded disillusioned whiskered old college professor who returns to his cluttered office after their pitiful spectacles, clutches a glass, sits in his creaky chair and shakes his head ruefully.
Far too many people want to bully other people from expressing their opinion and it is always worse during election season. This is the United States of America where:
Everyone is free to believe anything they want. Everyone is free not to agree with them.
WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT?
The President of the United States has two jobs. The president is THE DECIDER and the president is THE EXPLAINER. You can't really know for sure what kind of DECIDER the president is going to be until they have to decide something. A study of their lifetime character maybe all you have. The 3 AM question has become a big joke but it is probably the best test for making a decision on who to vote for. You should vote for who you most trust to decide.
"Don't forget our CINCO de MAYO CELEBRATION coming up May 5th!"
--A Bar Ad
LET THE FRENCH DECIDE
Expecting the government to solve a problem is like spending your life searching for a unicorn. Government doesn't solve problems, they generally create more by helping one group by screwing another.
The Democrat primaries have become a mess and a microcosm of government mismanagement. Politicians, especially Democrats, can't seem to make straightforward rules about anything.
First, they rushed primary season, they told Florida and Michigan their primaries wouldn't count because they held them before they said they could. Only Hillary ran. They devised the Super Delegates-a group of "elite geniuses" that know better than the voting rabble what is best. If the Super Delegates give Hillary the nod instead of Obama, who by all fair standards will have won, they will alienate hard core Obama supporters who will justifiably feel ripped off.
The Democrats have gotten into a pickle. How can they fix this?
They can make the decision based on how they always make decisions. Democrats are always worried about what the French think about us. Let the French decide. But wait. That leaves out other groups that they shove to the front to make their decisions. What they want goes anyway. Let them decide.
Here is the plan. Form a committee of French people, welfare recipients, illegal aliens and Gitmo detainees. Whatever they say goes. Voila, the Democrats will have their candidate.
I'M SAVING THE PLANET I WEAR A GREEN COLORED SHIRT EVERYDAY
It may make you feel good but too many people confuse symbolism with accomplishing something. A baseball team wore green hats for one game and passed out 10,000 green caps. Last year, they turned out the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a few hours. How is this going to solve a problem. If you are promoting saving the planet that's almost as good, right?.
Some people give themselves a job title- ACTIVIST. How do they qualify?
Getting Naked.
They Get Naked for Peace or Ending World Hunger or Stopping Hurricanes or Stopping Nudity, etc.
They are just looking for an excuse to drop their drawers in public. Most really shouldn't.
WHAT A STIFF
Howard Dean, the head of Democrat National Committee and former presidential candidate, is ranting about how the Super Delegates must have their minds made up by the first part of June on who they are voting for at the convention. I almost forgot he was still around. He pops up to say something every once in a while to again prove how clueless he is.
Apparently sex euphemism was over his head several years ago.
In an interview, he was asked if Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers' papers from working as President Bush's counsel should be released instead of presidential privilege being invoked.
He said: "Yes, I don't think they want to go around playing HIDE THE SALAMI."
This reminds me of a story about President Richard Nixon. He was trying to be "one of the boys" and asked a young single guy staffer: "Well, did you fornicate, last night?"
TWO DOLLAR WORD FROM A THREE DOLLAR BOOK
Euphemism started in ancient Greece. The people believed the gods listened to all human conversation and offensive or boastful words had to be made politically correct so not to offend the god. The meaner and nastier the god, the nicer the word had to be. An example of an euphemism:
Politicians don't lie. They misspeak.
Will Hillary be ready for 3 AM emergency calls because she is up anyway cleaning her guns, knocking one back and waiting for Bill to try to sneak in?
BE POLITE
Politeness, courtesy and appreciation are tiny gestures that make life more pleasant for everyone. It depends on being taught by your parents and you keeping in practice.
My mother taught me to send a Thank You for a drink out of a neighbor's garden hose.
--Beth Damn Donahue-Weedman Southern Fried Chicks
ANOTHER EASY NEWS STORY DAY
Here is another of the award winning series of reports on television newsrooms always on the lookout for an easy story. TAX IS DUE day was April 15th. The news vans were camped out at the post office to document the crush of cars filled with last minute filers. The reporterette breathlessly describing the scene. The lazy news rooms missed out last year. There was some other big news event that I can't remember, now, that trumped their yearly TAX IS DUE story and they didn't need the story to fill time.
I was just thinking- Hey, I am always on the lookout for an easy story. I always know I have a no brainer article about lazy news rooms on the pre-Thanksgiving airport is busy day or day after Thanksgiving mall parking lot is full day or gas prices have gone up so head to the service station to interview motorists filling their cars who say they are against it day or show up at the bar during a sports championship to capture the drunks going WOOOOOO day.
THIS AIN'T MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO
Mrs Bad Ideas was watching Bronco riding on television and I overheard the announcer comment on the rider:
He's cooler than the bottom side of the pillow
WE HAD TO STOP DOING THAT BECAUSE OF DNA
Everyone has wondered what ever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? The Teamsters president disappeared in the early 1970s and has never been found. Some have speculated that he is buried in the end zone at the Meadowlands stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. I believe the SOPRANOS showed the connection between people that disappear and Pork stores in New Jersey.
WHICH KID ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT FIRST?
Billionaire crackpot Ted Turner says global warming will kill everyone in 40 years and whoever is left will be a cannibal. He says global warming is caused by too many people using too much stuff. He suggests everyone on earth voluntarily limit themselves to one or two children.
Ted Turner has five children.
FOR THE LOVE OF GINGY, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
The movie is over and the crowd rushes to the door. They have been in a panic. They can't take it anymore. They whip out their cell phones to call someone, anyone. There is a new name for what they have.
NOMOPHOBIA is the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. Having no bars or a discharged phone is leading to anxiety and panic attacks in an increasing number of people.
Let's hope forgetting to charge a phone doesn't cause the suicide or divorce rate to rise.
Cellphone text messaging has turned the younger generation into a bunch of new fangled Western Union operators. Their reply would be WU WT.
YOU'RE NOT EMO, YOU'RE SMILING
What is Emo? I first heard the term several months ago when I read an article that mentioned a style of music called emo. I heard of emo again when an American Idol contestant was described as emo. Last week, I was talking to a high school teacher relative and found out I am a really old fossil that is out of the loop. Emo kids wear tight pants, have bangs covering one eye, claim bisexuality, think everything is stupid, and generally walk around being sad and depressed. She said she catches one girl looking in every mirror she passes to check that she looks sufficiently sad. They are only happy at a concert for their favorite emo band.
Today, I read they are having anti-emo riots in Mexico. Groups of teenagers are going around looking for emo kids to beat up. One marauder said that he hates them, they are stupid and start crying about the least little thing.
In my day, they weren't called emo. They were called Wimps, Wusses and a word that starts with P.
ASHLEY DUPRE, ADVERTISING GENIUS
Elliot Spitzer's favorite prostitute Ashley Dupre's opportunity for cashing in on her 15 minutes of fame may be drying up. Too many people who might pay big money for her pictures are finding they already own pictures. GIRLS GONE WILD offered her $1 million until they found they had a ton of footage of her sitting in their vault. Many other pictures are surfacing.
She still may be able to cash in with a genius advertising slogan for condoms.
According to court papers, she had an amazing ability to reject requests for unprotected sex. "I have a way of dealing with that," she told her boss at the Emperor's Club VIP, "I'd be like,
'Listen, dude, you really want the sex?'"
MY LATEST REALITY TV SHOW IDEA: MEXICO ROAD TRUCKERS
I heard a radio news report about the government's lack of regulating the mechanical safety of 18 wheelers from Mexico on our highways. I started thinking about the reality TV show ICE ROAD TRUCKERS. ICE ROAD TRUCKERS follows daredevil truckers in Canada risking their necks transporting machinery to diamond mines, during the dead of winter, 300 miles across a frozen lake. That is kid stuff compared to driving down the U.S. interstates without any brakes, or smuggling a truckload of angry Guatemalans hiding in a spare gas tank or behind cases of lettuce.
IF WE COULD JUST GET RID OF THAT PESKY CANCER THING
Scientists at universities in tobacco growing states are studying a way to make cigarettes cancer-free. If they are successful, cigarette companies could increase sales by not killing off their customers and knock away objections to smoking caused by its number one drawback.
POLITICIANS and the MAGIC WORDS
Senator caught toe tapping for sex in an airport bathroom. The governor of New Jersey resigns after admitting to being gay. Now, his assistant claims he had every Friday night threesomes with the governor and the governor's wife. New York governor resigns after admitting to years whoring with high priced prostitutes. They swear in a new governor and he immediately admits to running around on his wife. Politicians are freaks! We are governed by freaks!
Last year, Oprah had a show with swingers (once called wife swappers) as guests. They said the MAGIC WORDS. Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- they know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. They should add governors and congressmen.
It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.
PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN UFO SHAPED HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW THEIR WIFE OUT
A house shaped like a flying saucer that stands on a mountainside in Chattanooga, Tennessee recently sold at auction for $135,000. It was built in 1970. It stands on six legs and the entrance is a retractable staircase that lowers to the ground.
A neighbor says one owner had an argument with her husband. She pulled up the stairway, drove her husband's truck underneath it so he couldn't get the stairs down and left him stuck inside.
NOT YOUR SONNY BOY'S CONVENIENCE STORE
Lawson is Japan's second-largest convenience store chain. In 2006, they redid one of their stores to cater to senior citizens. The shelves are jam packed with hearing-aid batteries, false-teeth supplies and wigs. It has wide aisles and calming colors. It has been a runaway success.
If you send some young whippersnapper there to "pick you up some stuff", you can tell them not to forget the lottery tickets and dirty magazines. You're not dead, yet.
UNPROTECTED BY THE POLITICALLY CORRECT
The politically correct are so sensitive and unwilling to offend anyone. They won't call people what they are. They won't call a terrorist a terrorist. They won't call a bum a bum (Would it still be politically incorrect to call them unemployed brain surgeons).
One group they save up all of their repressed meanness for are fat people. They could care less if they hurt their feelings. The LA Times- politically correct central- ran an article a while back about SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS. SAUSAGE CASING GIRLS are overweight girls who wear clothes that are too tight. They show their bare midriff, wear shorts and skirts way too high and necklines way too low and are proud of it.
There is a new movie called RUN FATBOY RUN. Who else could they feel O.K. about slurring.
NEW FIVE DOLLAR BILL
The newly designed $5 bill came out recently. The new bills with have splashes of purple and gray with a big purple 5 in the lower right corner on the backside. When the $20 bill first came out, I got money out of the ATM and immediately drove to Sonic Drive-In for a Dr. Pepper (because I am insane for Sonic's crushed ice). I paid the car hop with the new $20, but she didn't want to take it. She thought I was a loony trying to pay with play money. She was only half right. She had to go inside and ask her boss.
What about the role of government? Well, in the abstract, coming from my time and background, I thought it was a rather good thing, but tallying up the ledger in those things which affect me and in those things I observe, I am hard-pressed to see an instance where the intervention of the government led to much beyond sorrow.
--David Mamet in the Village Voice
READ ANY GOOD BOOKS ON THE INTERNET LATELY
How do people read things on the internet. They don't.
According to web expert Jakob Neilsen-"Instead web users flit about like butterflies in a garden, pausing at anything that takes their interest."
IT MUST BE TRUE. IT'S A SURVEY
A new survey for Nursing Times magazine claims that 1/6th of British nurses have had sex with their patients. Or, at least fellow nurses heard that they did.
WHO NEEDS TO FLOSS?--
Another crackpot poll from Britain says 60% of respondents pick their teeth with such things as screwdrivers, scissors, earrings, knives, keys, needles and forks. 23% just leave the food in their teeth.
They all must be true. It's a survey.
Another good tooth picker is a parchment business card. They are thinner than standard business cards but very sturdy. They are expensive cards, so the best source is a crooked lawyer or somebody trying to act richer than they are.
EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING, BUT THE GRAVEYARD IS FULL
A village in France couldn't justify the cost of buying more land to add to their sold-out cemetery, so their mayor has proclaimed: "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."
"Offenders will be severely punished."
Standing Room Only?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO GOOD GRAMMER
March 4th was National Grammar Day. It was sponsored by the blue or red pencil wielding group named The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar, or
SPOGG.
Their purpose: "SPOGG is for people who crave good, clean English - sentences cast well and punctuated correctly. It's about clarity. And who knows how many of the world's huge problems could be solved if we had a little more of that?"
Grammarians lack imagination.
Fretting about grammar often creates writer's block. It is like an OCD chef that never cooks anything because he is too distracted cleaning up every drop and crumb. It is better to clean up the mess when you are finished.
I'M ON MY THIRD CHERRY COKE and SECOND HAMBURGER, TODAY
I just found out how to become a billionaire.
Warren Buffet, the richest man in the world, drinks five cans of Cherry Coke every day and his favorite meal is a Hamburger. He lives in the same house he bought 50 years ago for $31,500.
Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is the 7th richest man the world. He lives cheaply and invests his money back into his business. If he stays in a nice hotel, and happens to take a soft drink out of the pricey mini-bar, he replaces it before he leaves with a bottle that he buys for much less at a nearby store.
Political pundits on television hype the primaries more than Brent Musberger broadcasting a college Bowl game and are about as accurate as your local TV weatherman.
BUNDLE UP AL
More snow has fallen in North America this winter than in over 40 years. Several large cities had had over 100 inches of snow. The earth has cooled between .55 and .65 degrees in the past twelve months wiping out the earth warming over the last 100 years. The probable cause: activity of the sun. That's inconvenient.
Will Al Gore's AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH become the modern day REEFER MADNESS- a movie meant to issue a dire warning that is now a cult film that causes people to hoot and holler?
THANKS ETHANOL
To make ethanol they are using up more and more of the corn supply. This is causing the price of life's basics to skyrocket. The latest victim is a steak shortage at steak houses. Some are substituting Buffalo. Thanks Ethanol. Before steaks it was popcorn. The price paid to farmers jumped from 9 cents to 13 cents a pound. Movie theaters will be forced to raise their price to keep their 1000% profit margin. Thanks Ethanol. I saw a gallon of milk over $5 because they feed cows corn. Thanks Ethanol. The price of corn tortillas a staple source of protein for the poor in Mexico has doubled or tripled. Thanks Ethanol. Look what it has done to the cost of Moonshine. Thanks Ethanol.
MORE THANKS ETHANOL
Durum Wheat is being used to make ethanol. Durum Wheat is what they use to make pasta. So, the supply is being squeezed. They say pasta is Italy's national dish and the average Italian eats 62 pounds every year. The price of pasta in Italy is zooming up. Thanks Ethanol.
Everyone running for Congress for the first time wants and promises change. Every old SOB that has been in Congress for 30, 40, 50 years just wants to keep coming back and they let all the newly elected know real quick that they are
pip-squeaks that won't be changing anything.
Young voters are flocking to the primaries like never before. Could it be: Barack Obama is like the cool teacher at school; Hillary Clinton is like your mother's strident friend who was always at the women's group meetings in your living room?
WHO NEEDS THE DRIVE-THRU
Now, there is a 12 volt sandwich press that you can plug in and make grilled sandwiches in the front seat of your car. I hope that you park first.
HEALTH CARE NAZIS
In the news, government officials planning to force people to take care of themselves.
Hillary Clinton says that if she is president she may garnish wages to force workers to buy health insurance.
Some Mississippi legislators want to make it against the law for restaurants to serve obese customers. This would lead to black market to go orders.
Another group of killjoys think the Girl Scouts should not push their cookies on people because they are unhealthful. They don't even think it is all right to eat them in moderation instead of sitting there and eating a whole box.
GET YOUR TICKETS, NOW!!!
The New York Philharmonic visited the capital of North Korea for a historic concert and played Gershwin music before an audience of 1400 on Tuesday night. The concert was televised and seen by 1 million of the 22 million North Koreans lucky enough to know someone with a television and electricity. They were gathered around like the neighborhood coming to see the first TV on the block in 50s in the United States
Eric Clapton is considering the invitation to be the next westerner to give a concert in North Korea. Kim Jon Il's son and next in line is a big Eric Clapton fan because he is a GUITAR HERO fanatic.
They love hot dogs in Sweden. There are stands everywhere selling Tunnebrod Rulleor. In Sweden, hot dogs and mashed potatoes are wrapped in flat bread. They usually wash it down with a chocolate drink called PUCKO. PUCKO is slang in Sweden for "idiot".
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
I have never accepted one penny of BLOGOLA. No one has ever offered me any.
THEY SHOULD'VE GOT 'EM LIQUORED UP
Have you ever wondered why it now costs over $100 million to run for president? Hillary Clinton's campaign spent $95,000 in Iowa to load up Caucus goers on cheap deli meat.
THEY BLOWED IT UP REAL GOOD
They successfully launched the missile and blew up the Spy Satellite which is the size of a bus, weighed 10 tons and was spiraling uncontrolled.
Space junk is constantly falling to earth. They say over 12 million pounds of it have fallen and no one has been killed, yet.
Your chance of winning the lottery is close to impossible and your chance of being hit by space junk is a million times less. The earth's surface is a little less than 200 million square miles and there are 27,878,400 square feet in a square mile. So, if you are standing in a 10 square foot box- that would be a 200 million x 2.8 million chance. You multiply it. That's 560 million plus a lot of zeros.
Of course, your car or house since they are bigger would have more chance.
I'M NOT DEAD YET. I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY. I QUIT.
--Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro has been saying he was not dead here at MBI for the past two years. Now, he is resigning as El Presidente. He may stop claiming to not be dead any day now.
CALL THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS. HE'S EATING SPAGHETTI FOR BREAKFAST
Dunkin Donuts is going to start selling Pizza and sandwiches to try to generate business after breakfast. A stock analyst who studies the restaurant business stated that "some people don't like to eat at the same place more than once a day." If Dunkin Donuts gains business in the afternoon they will lose some for breakfast. This is probably true. People are such creatures of habit- they have their morning place, lunch places and dinner places and seldom the twain shall meet. Also, they want breakfast foods for breakfast, but not later. Why are they breakfast foods? Initially they were things that can be prepared quickly and it became "just that's the way it is". If you want a hamburger for breakfast or pancakes for dinner you are an oddball.
I heard a TV weatherman say we might have some mild tornadoes.
MAD MAN THREATENS TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS FACE
Venezuelan Mad Man Hugo Chavez is once again threatening to cut off oil exports to the United States. He gleefully warns the price will shoot up to $200 a barrel. The United States imports 1/9th of it's oil from Venezuela. The problem for Venezuelan Mad Man Chavez is he exports almost all his oil to the United States. We have the only refineries set up to refine his Venezuelan heavy crude that has the consistency of tar. He won't have anywhere else to immediately send his oil and his main source of income will disappear.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART
Mindset Media studied Mac users to determine their "mind-set profile". They found that Mac users feel superior and self satisfied. They are just like the smug Mac Guy in the commercials.
If they really put people in prison for lying to Congress, the place would be empty.
QUESTS ARE GOOD
While you are on a quest, you will discover other good things that you may not have noticed and may have never imagined.
RUNNY NOSE CRISIS
Things can't just happen anymore. The news turns everything into a crisis. Democrat politicians always claim that it is the worst economy in a million years and everything that anyone can worry about is a crisis when they are trying to get back into office.
Too many people have taken their flu shots and cases of flu and colds are down 9%. This is causing a crisis in self health care. Kleenex sales are down 5%. Cold/allergy/sinus medications are also down 5%. Cough syrup down 16% and sore throat remedies are down 13%. Only chest rubs are up- 21% because of warnings against children's products.
Do your part to solve this crisis. Go outside without your coat or shoes. Even better go out in the cold with your hair wet. Don't cover your mouth or nose when you cough or sneeze.
ANOTHER CHILD STAR USED UP AND GONE WRONG
Knut, the famous polar bear, and Britney Spears have something in common. Fame has made them both mentally unstable. Like most child stars, he has grown into a gawky gangly teenager and is not cute anymore. He is no longer even solid white. He has a long raggedy dirty looking coat. Reminds me of a Nick Nolte arrest photo.
Knut's fame made the attendance at the Berlin Zoo soar. Over 2.5 million people came to see him. He was raised and coddled by human handlers. Now, he is too dangerous to interact with his handlers which is driving him crazy. He once made twice a day appearance to adoring fans. Now he is kept inside.
The Berlin zoo trademarked him and will continue to profit from his cute image.
But,
the handlers say that poor Knut is now a psychopath. He is addicted to humans. He will never be able to mate and is destined for a life of loneliness. Another washed up child star squeezed for what he was worth and abandoned.
WHO'S SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT?
Hillary thought she was in the catbird seat. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are sitting in one. Where did the notion of SITTING IN THE CATBIRD SEAT come from?
Baseball announcer Red Barber used the colorful phrase to describe a batter with a count of three balls and no strikes. The best position to be in. James Thurber wrote a short story called THE CATBIRD SEAT. There is a controversy as to who got it from whom. Barber said he heard it at a poker table in Cincinnati.
The expression probably originated from an area where catbirds live. Catbirds and their cousin mockingbirds head to the highest point in the yard to stake claim on it's territory. They sit up there and start loudly singing just before dawn during nesting season.
They just hauled Britney Spears off to the nervous hospital with a police escort and cleared airspace.
Time to revisit my movie pitch. I wrote it and it began appearing at mrbadideas.com over a year ago. Britney was a minor character in the famous girl out of control trio. Little did I know it may become a documentary:
MY BRITTANY PARAS LOHANN MOVIE PITCH
An old woman, named Brittany Paras Lohann who was once a famous singer-actress before she self destructed, is a recluse living alone in a house on stilts in the Louisiana swamp. Her fingertips are stained yellow from smoking unfiltered cigarettes and alligators are her only friends. Unknown to her, a half-wit lurks in the reeds watching. Is it her child, a relative,her only remaining fan, or an ex-husband? Snooping paparazzi who have ventured out to find her have mysteriously disappeared.
MAKING FUEL FROM FORREST GUMP'S SOCKS
Upon arriving in Viet Nam, Lt. Dan told Forrest Gump and Bubba the most important thing they needed to know was to constantly change their socks. Why? The fungus that causes "jungle rot" eats up socks, tents and anything cellulose.
You can make ethanol mixing the "jungle rot" fungus with agricultural waste- wood chips, stalks, etc. A start up company based in Illinois claims they can produce Ethanol made from wood chips for $1 a gallon. They are partnering with General Motors and are building processing plants that will be ready in 2-3 years.
This may save corn tortillas from becoming a luxury item.
A CROOK JUST CAN'T TRUST ANOTHER CROOK NOT TO BE A CROOK
Phishers in Morocco are giving away free phishing kits. Phishers are the spammers that send you email that looks like it is from a real company like Bank of America or PayPal so they can try to fool you into giving them personal information and steal your identity.
The free phishing kits contain hidden code that steals all the information the phisher with the free kits steals and sends it to the Moroccan phishers. So, the phishers are stealing phish from other phishers.
One way to prevent identity theft is to have an identity so bad that nobody wants to steal it.
A FEW WORDS FROM DR. FILL
The difference between men and women is men don't want to talk about their troubles and all that women want to talk about is their troubles.
I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE
Some unnamed prominent politicians who may be running for president seem to operate on the fundraising principle of take the money and ask questions later. If anyone complains, give the money back and apologize.
Allen Raymond, a campaign operative who got snagged and was sent up the river, decided to spill the beans on dirty dealings in campaigns to help sell his book HOW TO RIG AN ELECTION. He takes it a step further. He says if a shady character wants to give you money- take it as long as they agree to also give a small contribution to your opponent. If your opponent tries to expose you for taking illegal funds you can say "hey, you took money from him, too."
MITT ROMNEY MIGHT BE A REDNECK
If you go on vacation with your five children and you put your dog in a kennel with its own windshield strapped to the roof of your car and that dog has diarrhea and makes a mess all over the rear window so you can't see and you stop and hose it off then get back in your a car a keep driving down the road, YOU MIGHT BE A .....
LIKE IT OR LUMP IT
The current buzzword from politicians is CHANGE.
Nancy Pelosi has finally gotten to show her vision for Changing America. She has created her own little microcosm of government meddling by decree. It is the new House of Representative cafeterias- a part of her "Greening of the Capitol" plan. Some call it "feel good crap".
They serve politically correct food nobody really wants at prices higher than they want to pay. Food that Nancy and her minions have deemed good for you purchased from the correct sort of suppliers. The decor is a shrine to the "renewable earth" with plenty of sloganeering to ram down your throat. You must recycle in the sorting bins complete with detailed instructions. They now have biodegradable flatware, but you have to use a teaspoon to slurp your soup because the ecofriendly supplier doesn't make soup spoons.
The spokesman for the chief administrative officer that oversees the cafeteria (he needs a spokesman?) responded to complaints in typical way of anything run by bureaucrats-
"customers would have to change their behavior to accommodate the environmentally friendly products."
His response to complaints about the ecofriendly straws that melt in hot liquid: "Sip your coffee like a normal human being, we're trying to save the planet here."
We're trying to get accolades from people that don't eat here, who cares what the customers think.
EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE
The British Prime Minister wants to change organ donation policy to stem the shortfall and save 1000 lives a year. He wants to adopt the system used by credit card companies when they change their deal on you. They will assume you agree unless you object. You will have to take your name off the donation register.
My favorite economist, Walter E. Williams, says there is an organs for transplant shortage because you are not allowed to sell them. The transplant waiting list would be much shorter if organs could be bought and sold. He states that to most loving families agreeing to bury their loved one without all of the parts they arrived with would be unthinkable. But, if there was money to be made some children would quickly reconsider and put all of dear old dad's parts on the block for the right price.
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA
Twins separated at birth recently found out they were married to each other. This is a rare. Here is advice for something that may not be:
If your mother visited the sperm bank before you were conceived and you are on the make forget asking "what's your sign?". You need to ask if they are a DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON. If they are then ask what is their father's donor identification number. You may be putting the moves on your brother or sister.
If your father made frequent deposits, you may have dozens or even hundreds of half brothers and sisters.
GIMME THE SWAG
The award show cancellations are causing a panic in Hollywood. Movie and TV stars can't get their swag.
At large film festivals and award shows there are rooms set aside where they can pick up their Bag of Swag. Swag is free stuff that marketers give away on the chance that the stars will be photographed wearing or using their stuff. Swag often includes expensive watches and invitations for free trips to exclusive resorts. Some bags of swag can total freebies worth $100,000. The promoters giving the swag think of it as cheap advertising. The IRS now considers it tax money.
The internet is the new bathroom wall.
NO FUN, MISSOURI
St. Charles, Missouri is considering a bill to curb the rowdy dows in bars. There would be a law against cussing. Would this mean you would have to take it outside to stand with the smokers to swear? This could result in no sports on television in the bar.
The ban would also stop dancing on table tops and profane music, entertainment and literature. Patrons would not be allowed to read their copies of FANNY HILL or LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER there anymore.
What's next? Policemen required to carry bars of soap? Not allowing you to throw things at the band behind the chicken wire?
TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING
Medical care and medical insurance were once inexpensive. It was inexpensive back when they couldn't do anything for you. Now, there are machines that will look into every inch of your insides. They can replace just about any part. They can do surgery on your heart and brain. They have medicines to maintain chronic illnesses. There are pills for the boudoir when a guy's hydrolics no longer work right. They can do so much for us that we can't afford it anymore.
I'VE GOT A GAL NAMED BONY MARONIE. SHE'S AS SKINNY AS A STICK OF MACARONI.
A barista (a person that makes the coffee concoctions- coffee jerk) at STARBUCKS is refusing to use their new term- SKINNY for drinks with low fat milk, sugar free syrup and no whipped cream. She says it will hurt the self esteem of employees and customers to hear SKINNY yelled out all day and SKINNY written on the cups.
The health department should be on the look out for tear drops in the coffee from spindly or big boned baristas.
FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH
Word experts recently made a Top 10 list of overused expressions. Included on the list was "is the new". For example: 70 IS THE NEW 50 or GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK. One wag chimed in FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH. Many people believe things are true that aren't so and common knowledge has become common ignorance. People believe the damndest things and the more outrageous the more likely they are to believe it- just look at Rosie O'Donnell.
THOMAS EDISON AND THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
January 4th was the 105th anniversary of the electrocution of Topsy the Elephant. Topsy went on a rampage and killed three people on Coney Island. They originally wanted to hang Topsy. Thomas Edison suggested electrocution. The event was witnessed by 1500 and filmed by Thomas Edison. The film was exhibited across the country as ELECTROCUTING THE ELEPHANT.
The word electrocution was coined and the invention of the electric chair was the result of a publicity stunt and other dirty tricks by Thomas Edison.
There is a Body Farm at the University of Tennessee. It sits on 3 acres and has 150 bodies rotting in the sun, shade, water, under leaves, shallow graves, and in trunks of cars so they can study decomposition rates and which insects are hanging around. It is a CSI dreamland. They have another 1000 bodies bequeathed to them and they are looking for more land. It was started by anthropologist Dr. William M. Bass in 1971 so he could answer the first question the police asked about bodies they sent him. It wasn't "who are they", but "how long have they been dead".
AVOID THE CLAP
Chelsea Clinton recently refused an interview to a SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE reporter because she "doesn't answer questions from reporters even if they are 9 and cute". This reminded me of all the little kids that have been crushed and warped for life after getting to meet their sports super hero and treated by them in a rude and surly way.
Tom Hanks' character in LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN summarized the carelessness of treating young fans. His character was a washed up Baseball home run king reduced to being the cynical drunken manager of a women's professional baseball team. Two ten year old boys recognize him on the street and ask for an autograph. He signs his name and adds "avoid the clap". As they walk off with a puzzled look, he calls out "that's good advice."
The girl stars gone wild that can't keep out of trouble should stop associating with bad companions (like their parents).
PARENTING ADVICE NEVER GIVEN BY BRITNEY'S MOTHER
Here is some advice for Britney and Jamie probably not in their mother's book:
My baby's nose is running. -- Wipe it
My baby has a dirty diaper.-- Wipe it and Change it
It's lunch time. Do you think my kids are hungry? -- Feed them
My baby is crying. -- Hold him
I think I'll take the kids for a drive. -- Put them in car seats
I put whitening strips on my child's teeth. -- Don't
My video just came on TV. -- Turn the TV off. Your kids might see what mommy has been up to.
OOPS! I forgot to put my panties on again. -- Put your drawers on
I need to go out and get my swerve on. -- Stay home and play, talk or read a story to your kids.
Are muffins an excuse to eat cake for breakfast?
SPOILED WOMEN
Sixty or seventy years ago when many labor saving housekeeping devices were novel and new they would have been a thoughtful and appreciated Christmas gift. Now, household labor saving devices are not coveted and are considered a thoughtless gift that could result in objects being thrown at heads, silent treatments or a life sleeping on the couch if you are lucky.
IDENTITY THEFT
In 1938, Woolworth stores sold wallets that had imitation social security cards with a number but no name. The imitation cards were there to show off the wallets like picture frames that come with pictures of people that you don't know.
The problem was that the number on the fake social security cards was real. It belonged to a secretary at the wallet company.
During the next 39 years, it is estimated that 40,000 people used the secretary's number on their tax forms.
HAS ANYONE ASKED HILLARY IF SHE EVER USED DRUGS?
Hillary 1969
WHAT KIND OF GRAVY GOES GOOD WITH THAT?
FOOD NETWORK TV star Paula Deen is a southern cook that believes that everything goes better with butter. Her son teased her that she would deep fry butter if she could. A viewer sent in a recipe and now you can make Paula's Deep Fried Butter Balls
LAKE PROPERTY
Several months ago I wrote this quotable quote:
If a lake or river dried up, somebody would be out there building a house on it. They would also be crying, complaining and expecting the government to bail them out after the water came back.
A woman answered an ad and bought land advertised as FOR SALE AS IS. The land turned out to be underwater in the middle of a lake. She is suing the county to have the lake drained so she can use her land.
NOT LOOKING FOR THE BARGAIN
My new favorite song is from a commercial for a heart stent. Do they want patients on the table demanding their brand? This is one product where you are not looking for the cheapest one. The price competition is in the other direction. Here is a TV pitch that could corner the stent market:
Don't settle for a bargain stent as trustworthy as a leaky garden hose from the dollar store. Next time ask for our stent. The most expensive heart stent on earth and worth it.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO YOU GOTTA GO
Desperate for a bathroom? Immodium brings you the Bathroom Finder. It lists all the public bathrooms in each zip code plus a map. If you don't have a computer handy while in dire need head for a police station, city building, fast food restaurant or hotel lobby.
On a visit to New York City I was riding the subway and they kept announcing that there were "pickpockets on the train". How did they know? I determined they must be psychics.
Emma Clarke was the voice of the London underground (or Tube) until she was recently canned for making a series of spoof announcements she placed on her website. Click to Listen:
FAKE SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENTS
Dennis Miller calls the Viagra commercials with the middle aged guys gathered in the rec room singing about the wonders of Viagra a "flaccid hootenanny".
NOW WE'RE DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE!
Cosmologist using quantum theory which nobody understands, so they can say anything and I can't dispute it, claim that by discovering and thinking about phenomenon in space we are shortening the life of the universe. They explain that it is like a watched pot of water on the stove never boiling. Huh? SAVE THE UNIVERSE. STOP PONDERING.
mrbadideas.com READER. YOU ARE A GENIUS!
I was noticing how complimentary the beer commercials are during football games. "You are a drinker of our beer. Good Call" Or hint at other self esteem builders: you are clever, smart, have great taste, girls love you, one of a kind, and part of the club. They like you. Their beer brand is your friend.
You know what mrbadideas.com readers? I LIKE YOU.
WE GOT THE FANCIEST MOBILE HOME IN THE PARK
The latest scientific study says that most people are not happy unless they are richer than everyone they know.
IF YOU'VE GOT THE DINERO, I'VE GOT THE CAMARO
The latest thing is for top international models, entertainers and financiers to refuse to be paid in U.S. Dollars. Will illegal aliens who send a large percentage of their income back home to Mexico soon start refusing to be paid in dollars, too?
THE PERFECT COVER STORY
Hillary Clinton recently got in trouble for stiffing her waitress at a Iowa diner. During further investigation it was shown the $157 bill was paid by a staff member with a credit card. There was no tip charged to the credit card. Their answer was they left a $100 bill for the tip. If they really left a $100 bill somebody pocketed it and didn't share with the other waitresses. If a waitress pocketed the mystery money she would be a national embarrassment to admit it. The other waitresses will be forever suspicious of their coworkers even if no one is guilty. Nobody will ever be able to prove anything. The perfect CYA? They were really extremely generous and somebody in that restaurant must be selfish and dishonest.
The only thing better would be to payoff one of them to admit keeping the tip and that she always votes Republican.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' --- Ronald Reagan
NOT A SMALL WORLD
Disneyland is going to reconstruct the IT'S A SMALL WORLD ride. The canal will be deeper and the boats more buoyant. Riders have gotten so fat that the boats get stuck mostly at two spots on the ride. They have to send someone down to lighten the load and take the heavyweights off. It happens so often they have built new docks at the trouble spots. To repay guests for being pulled off the ride they get a free food coupon. They can chomp on a Mouse Bar while waiting for their party.
MR YUK IS MEAN MR YUK IS GREEN
Chna strikes again. They just recalled 1.5 million Thomas the Tank Engine wooden toys because they are painted with lead paint. We know every one of them heads straight for the mouth. This joins the list of other dubious products made in China: poisoned dog food, tainted toothpaste and cough syrup, and fish and shrimp raised in sewage. Do they need to put Mr. Yuk stickers on the back of every product from China?
Stumble It!
and
that urges serve penalties.
For example,
you better use its and it's correctly.
Hillary 1969
