MR BAD IDEAS' EARTH DAY
EARTH SAVING TIP
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Wacked out
Extreme environmentalist kooks daydream of saving the world by getting rid of all these pesky people. They dream about people suddenly disappearing and everything they have built rusting, disintegrating and going to seed. The world will be a garden.
No one would be here to notice. Would a tree falling in a forest make a sound? The only thing that would miss us are dogs because we feed them. I am sure that like all grandiose dreams the dreamer has decided they are the only one exempt.
Almost all scientists agree there is global warming because if you don't agree you get canned.
DOES GOING TO HOME DEPOT
MAKE YOU CRY?
In the closing credits of the movie SIDEWAYS is the disclaimer:
"No California trees were harmed in the making of this motion picture."
WATERMELON MARXISTS
A Watermelon Marxist is someone who is green on the outside and red on the inside. Commies can't win many friends identifying themselves as a communist. As John Lennon said "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow." So, they found something that few people can object to for which they can get laws passed to control your behavior and override your freedom- Environmentalism. Who doesn't want clean air and clean water? If they can convince people carbon dioxide, a bi-product of industry and most human and animal function, is destroying the earth they can have a revolution without firing a shot.
At the Copenhagen summit, they streamed in there salivating over their chance to grab a hold of money they did nothing to earn by guilting the ingenious and industrious into giving it to them.
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT PIFFLE
Why are global warming alarmists trying to ignore the fact that scientific malpractice has been exposed? They don't want the money train derailed.
Global Warming has been a slam dunk for getting government grants.
Say, you want to study "the nut collecting habits of squirrels. " You may not get the grant. But, if you add the phrase "The effects of global warming (you should update to climate change) on....", you are a shoe in.
In the past, many scientists have been bullied into agreeing to the global warming line. If a scientist didn't agree
they got canned. Pressure is increasing, but some are getting brave enough to speak out.
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD
There are so many people whose whole identity and self esteem and/or livelihood is intertwined with Global Warming that the exposure that the science is a fraud with more cooked books than an Enron accountant will shatter their image so much that the shame may soon result in a epidemic of suicides.
HOW TO PROTEST MANDATORY USAGE OF THOSE SQUIGGLY FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS
Have a SMASH PARTY. Gather a bunch of people and find a public place. Everyone takes a turn hurling squiggly fluorescent light bulbs on the ground. You can drop some off a rooftop like David Letterman or bored college kids. The bulbs are filled with Mercury and the HAZMAT team will be rushed to the scene. You are sure to get on the local news, maybe even the national news. The nation will become alarmed by how dangerous the bulbs are, a hazard they never knew about. Perhaps, it would cause an uproar and a demand to ban them.
WARNING: You will probably get arrested (endangering the public/hopefully not terrorism)and may have to pay for the cleanup. Someone might get glass in their eye- wear googles. I wouldn't urge anyone to actually do it, but it is fun to imagine.
THANKS ETHANOL
To make ethanol they are using up more and more of the corn supply. This is causing the price of life's basics to skyrocket. The latest victim is a steak shortage at steak houses. Some are substituting Buffalo. Thanks Ethanol. Before steaks it was popcorn. The price paid to farmers jumped from 9 cents to 13 cents a pound. Movie theaters will be forced to raise their price to keep their 1000% profit margin. Thanks Ethanol. I saw a gallon of milk over $5 because they feed cows corn. Thanks Ethanol. The price of corn tortillas a staple source of protein for the poor in Mexico has doubled or tripled. Thanks Ethanol. Look what it has done to the cost of Moonshine. Thanks Ethanol.
MORE THANKS ETHANOL
Durum Wheat is being used to make ethanol. Durum Wheat is what they use to make pasta. So, the supply is being squeezed. They say pasta is Italy's national dish and the average Italian eats 62 pounds every year. The price of pasta in Italy is zooming up. Thanks Ethanol.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for
leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
SAVE A CHICKEN. EAT 16 PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWICHES
While saving the planet by only using one square of toilet paper, the PB&J Campaign suggests eating Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches instead of meat, chicken, ham or fish.
They claim that each sandwich will save 2.5 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions, 93 gallons of water and 12-50 square feet of land from deforestation and other land abuse. It only takes 16 PB&J sandwiches to save a Chicken from a horrible death.
What happens when there is a peanut shortage with skyrocketing prices and forests being cleared to plant more peanuts? What about the trash generated from all of the crusts being cut off?
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
ARE DIRTYthe worst thing in life is waking up clean without a bean.
A FREEGAN is someone that doesn't eat meat and refuses to pay for food. They dumpster dive behind grocery stores for what they say is perfectly good food that is being tossed out. FREEGANS say they are boycotting consumerism.
It won't be long before a shyster lawyer sues a supermarket when a FREEGAN dies from eating from a botulism tainted can.
MAKING FUEL FROM FORREST GUMP'S SOCKS
Upon arriving in Viet Nam, Lt. Dan told Forrest Gump and Bubba the most important thing they needed to know was to constantly change their socks. Why? The fungus that causes "jungle rot" eats up socks, tents and anything cellulose.
You can make ethanol mixing the "jungle rot" fungus with agricultural waste- wood chips, stalks, etc. A start up company based in Illinois claims they can produce Ethanol made from wood chips for $1 a gallon. They are partnering with General Motors and are building processing plants that will be ready in 2-3 years.
This may save corn tortillas from becoming a luxury item.
GLOBAL WARMING CAN
HELP WITH DINNER
With the extra hot temperatures this summer, you can save on electricity or natural gas usage by cooking dinner on the dashboard of your enclosed car.
BUNDLE UP AL
More snow has fallen in North America this winter than in over 40 years. Several large cities had had over 100 inches of snow. The earth has cooled between .55 and .65 degrees in the past twelve months wiping out the earth warming over the last 100 years. The probable cause: activity of the sun. That's inconvenient.
Will Al Gore's AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH become the modern day REEFER MADNESS- a movie meant to issue a dire warning that is now a cult film that causes people to hoot and holler?
I'M SAVING THE PLANET
I WEAR A GREEN COLORED SHIRT EVERYDAY
It may make you feel good but too many people confuse symbolism with accomplishing something. A baseball team wore green hats for one game and passed out 10,000 green caps. Last year, they turned out the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a few hours. How is this going to solve a problem. If you are promoting saving the planet that's almost as good, right?.
Some people give themselves a job title- ACTIVIST. How do they qualify?
Getting Naked.
They Get Naked for Peace or Ending World Hunger or Stopping Hurricanes or Stopping Nudity, etc.
They are just looking for an excuse to drop their drawers in public. Most really shouldn't.
GONE WITH THE WIND
The latest craze for nutty politicians is windmills. New York City's mayor Bloomberg is talking about putting wind mills on the top of the skyscrapers and bridges. This idea will be DOA after all the complaints of wind mills ruining million dollar views by green hypocrites.
Government meddlers can't seem to get their stuff together for the Freedom Towers to be built to replace the World Trade Center. Perhaps, they should put up 1776 foot tall pinwheels instead.
When the fad dies out, in fifty years will the United States be the home of miles and miles of dilapidated abandoned rusty wind farms?
UPDATE: The windmills on bridges and skyscraper idea lasted only one day. Time for another idea. They could round up the 8 million rats in New York City and put them to work on squirrel cages (hamster wheels) making electricity.
RENEWABLE SUSTAINABLE ENERGY AND WHATEVER BUZZ WORDS
Wind Power and Solar Power is all the current rage for alternative energy. I have another. Put generators on stationary exercise bikes to create electricity. You will not only get exercise but will be doing your part to save the planet. Like the wind not blowing and the sun not shining it has a draw back. We could have brown outs and black outs if not enough people felt like it that day.
I'M A DUST BOWL REFUGEE
--Woody Guthrie
When Captain John Smith landed at Jamestown May 13,1607, Jamestown was in the middle of a seven year drought. It was the worst drought in 770 years. Virginia is not exactly what you picture when you think dust bowl.
When someone comments about extreme weather: "There must be something going on with the earth" "I have lived here all my life and never saw anything like this." They just haven't been around there long enough.
EAT GLOBALLY BE HAPPY LOCALLY
When Robin Williams guest starred on a LAW AND ORDER episode, his character claimed to be a locavore. That was the first time I heard the term. A locavore is a person that only eats fruit, vegetable or meats that are grown locally. They believe they are saving the planet because they are cutting down on their carbon foot print.
Most of the people in the world that are starving to death are locavores, but not by choice. It is dumb not to participate in the world wide distribution of agricultural products. It is insurance against the seasons and nature damaging everything in a certain location. Trade is good for getting things to where they are needed. Depending on a government "genius" to decide what goes where is inefficient.
Some are locavores because they believe what they get locally is better. The best of anything is not sold locally. It is sold where you get the highest price which will be- far away. The best oranges are not sold by the side of the road in Florida. That is their leftovers.
I remember a story about a boy that lived in a coastal town in New England. He considered himself poor. He had to brown bag a Lobster Sandwich for lunch to school every day.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
YUCKY!
This story first appeared two years ago when
the city of San Diego proposed to treat sewage and return it to the municipal water supply. They said it would help save them from future water shortages. Now, Los Angeles has decided it is a good idea.
The water can be treated and filtered with reverse osmosis to be just as clean as any water. It is just the thought. Butch, Spike and Rocko (my son and daughters) would like to add this comment: OOOOH. YUCKY! In reality, all water is recycled sewage.
Opponents say that only the poor will be drinking sink water. Rich folks will buy bottled water. Most people think that bottled water comes from some pristine idyllic pool of water in a beautiful green valley unsullied by human existence. It is usually just filtered city water.
A reader writes that the water goes through the people of London 7 times a day.
SINK WATER, THE VERSATILE BEVERAGE
Most people must assume that their bottled water comes from a pristine pool unsullied by human existence. Pepsi which sells the #1 bottled water- AQUAFINA, will start putting P.W.S. on the labels. P.W.S. stands for public water supply. Pepsi says that they assumed everyone understood when they said it was purified that it had been purified from tap water.
Years ago, I was checking the label of a store brand gallon jug of water. To my surprise, it said that it came from the city water supply of a town in Louisiana that I always associated with refineries and the manufacture of hazardous chemicals.
GLOBAL WARMING
Mars is experiencing global warming. In the past three years, the ice cap of frozen carbon dioxide at the southern pole as shrunk in size. We barely just got there and we've already destroyed the planet.
WHICH KID ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT FIRST?
Billionaire crackpot Ted Turner says global warming will kill everyone in 40 years and whoever is left will be a cannibal. He says global warming is caused by too many people using too much stuff. He suggests everyone on earth voluntarily limit themselves to one or two children.
Ted Turner has five children.
BAD NEWS FOR A TREE HUGGING GLOBAL WARMING PIMPS
New research shows that trees in forests above 20 degrees latitude are a major contributor to global warming. They absorb sunlight and warm the earth. Rain forests around the equator cool the planet. Trees give off 30% of the world's methane. Instead of doing a green campaign on his Sundance Channel, Robert Redford should be out chopping down his trees.
HOW NOT TO WIN FRIENDS
AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
If you want to convince someone to come to your side it is best to hold back on the NUT TALK. Sheryl Crow is out touring on her biodiesel bus to convince everyone they need to change their ways to save the planet. But, she quickly goes from reasonable suggestions like using energy saving light bulbs to the eye roller- using a single square of toilet paper to clean yourself after using the toilet. The science is undeniable, she's another big star FLAKE.
Now she says she was just kidding. Truth or CYA? Watch what you say, most people don't get unobvious jokes.
Sheryl. We could go back to catalog and phone book recycling or leaves for our bathroom needs.
If instead of replacing all the light bulbs with energy saving flourescent bulbs filled with dangerous materials that will ruin the soil when they hit the landfill, we replaced them with candles, would it give off fumes that destroy the planet or would the wax seal the hole in the ozone?
GLOBAL MOOING
A United Nation's report says there are 1.5 billion cows on the earth and they are killing us. The report claims that the methane emitted from bovine flatulence contributes to 18% of global warming. Plus, they give off over 100 other gases including ammonia which makes them a major contributor to acid rain. If that is not bad enough, their solid waste is polluting the lakes, streams and rivers. It is a good thing they don't drive or smoke cigarettes (Al Gore claims cigarette smoke contributes to global warming).
ENJOY YOUR RAW-B-Q
Maybe I have missed it. I am sure some nag has shown up on TV to tell me I shouldn't fire up the outdoor grill and cook meat with a stampeding global foot print. I also missed the co-nag telling me everything I intend to eat is bad.
If Al Gore gets caught smoking up the place with his Bar-b-q pit he will just tell us it is O.K., he offset it with the bogus carbon credits he bought (from himself.
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE
The world's surface temperature has increased 1 degree in the last hundred years. Has Al Gore, the self appointed prophet/profit of global warming, considered that the world's population has quadrupled since 1900. That is 5 billion extra 98 degreers. That is an extra 500 billion degrees. Buddy, you are melting the ice. This must be true. You are reading it on the internet.
Forget GOING GREEN. Just clean up your mess.
|
