WAITING FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO SOLVE A PROBLEM IS LIKE EXPECTING TO SEE A UNICORN
My politics.
I believe in Free Enterprise and not wanting to get blown up.
I am fond of the interstate highway system.
GO HOME? I AM HOME
Have you noticed that when congressmen and senators leave office they don't move back home. They couldn't bear to leave the goldmine.
Virginia and Maryland have 500 representatives and the rest of us are left out. They don't have to worry about what the folks back home want until the next election. Officially Washington DC has no representatives, but Georgetown mansions are loaded with them. They got National (Reagan) airport closed down after 10 PM so the jets won't disturb them.
We should have a lottery instead of an election to pick congressmen. Randomly picking them would give us a lot fewer lawyers and ego maniacs and more people that aren't in sombody's pocket. After their term, they go home.
Every election, candidates spend several billion dollars to convince you their opponent is the lowest slime to ever walk on the earth. This must mean we elect the second lowest slimes to ever walk on earth.
ELECTION DISAPPOINTMENT? IF YOU FEEL THAT ALL IS LOST AND YOU CAN'T GO ON
What a way to go. Eating plates and plates of Chicken Fried Bacon with cream gravy.
Sodolak's Original Country Inn-- Snook, Texas
I would post the video, but I thought I was having a heart attack after I watched it and I can't be responsible.
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT! SOCIALISM STINKS!
Socialism is easy to sell because of human nature. It absolutely doesn't work because of human nature.
READER COMMENTS ON THEIR GOOD EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH ANYTHING ADMINISTERED BY THE GOVERNMENT
Thank You for sharing
I once had a wonderful experience at the post office. I didn't have to stand in line to buy stamps and I didn't have to wait for a counterperson to finish their break.
IT'S TEN O'CLOCK WHERE IS KIM JON IL
This is a satellite photo of Korea at night. Notice the density of light in South Korea. North Korea shuts off the electricity at 9PM. There is only one bright dot in North Korea. Guess who lives there?
GET YOUR TICKETS, NOW!!!
The New York Philharmonic visited the capital of North Korea for a historic concert and played Gershwin music before an audience of 1400 on Tuesday night. The concert was televised and seen by 1 million of the 22 million North Koreans lucky enough to know someone with a television and electricity. They were gathered around like the neighborhood coming to see the first TV on the block in 50s in the United States
Eric Clapton is considering the invitation to be the next westerner to give a concert in North Korea. Kim Jon Il's son and next in line is a big Eric Clapton fan because he is a GUITAR HERO fanatic.
DON'T WAIT FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO SPREAD THE WEALTH
You can get a head start on income redistribution. Next time you go out to eat, when the bill arrives give the bus boy the tip. The server may have earned it, but the bus boy may need it more. If you want to avoid a war breaking out in the restaurant, give it to any bum you may encounter on your way home.
A NEGATIVE POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
DON'T FORGET. BARACK OBAMA IS A DAMN LAWYER!
--Nobody has approved of the announcement
OBAMA' TAX PLAN IS OK WITH ME?
Obama's plan to hike taxes on people who earn over $250,000 a year is OK with me as long as it is only on lawyers.
DOUGHNUT SHOPS NEED BAILOUT
One way businesses are economizing to stave off having to lay people off is- NO MORE FREE DOUGHNUTS FOR EMPLOYEES.
This is going to hit doughnut shops hard. They may not survive. Get the federal checkbook ready or face a doughnutless future.
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
Daddy's Little Girl wanted a credit card. The credit card company wasn't so sure. Daddy's Little Girl's heroes were Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
Daddy said, "C'mon. Give my little girl a credit card. If she isn't able to pay the bill, I will."
So, Daddy's Little Girl got her card and headed off to the mall. The credit card company soon noticed she had racked up quite a bill. This was good. They said we can sell the debt, take the money now and split the money. Selling her debt was easy. Daddy was going to pay if she wouldn't.
The buyer was no fool. He now had a new asset. "Hey, we can borrow against it. Daddy is going to pay." What a deal.
The credit card company thought "This is great. We can go find lots of Daddy's Little Girls. Everyone can buy, sell, get loans and split the money. We can trust the Daddy's Little Girls to run up the bill. They probably can't pay it back. We don't care. We have Daddy."
Word got around. Scoundrels and scalawags heard about it. They made plans. They could drive around in a truck, grab twits with daddies off the sidewalk and shove a credit card in their hand.
Soon, there were too many Daddy's Little Girls with credit cards who couldn't pay and the banks, investors and insurance companies had bought, sold, borrowed, split the money and were living off the fat of the land. Uh-oh. If the depositors find out, they are going to rush the bank, take their money and hide it in their mattress.
DADDY!!!!! Could we have 700 Billion Dollars?
Never let a dog watch your food and never let congress watch your money.
--Barry Goldwater, Jr.
TELL THAT %$&#! TO CHILL
I thought of a YOU TUBE video for the Republican party.
Instead of Nancy Pelosi giving a speech to encourage a vote on the Bailout, she went off the rails and on a rant against George Bush. The video would have Samuel L. Jackson from the coffee shop scene in PULP FICTION. He gets the upper hand on the robbers Honey Bunny and Ringo. They could insert Nancy Pelosi's speech in place of Amanda Plummer freaking out. Then, keep cutting to Samuel L. Jackson yelling- "Tell that %$&#! to chill" and "Chill that %$&#!"
WASH OUT YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP
When they clean up the language in movies for broadcast TV they sometimes dub in replacement words that sound silly. Fruit You is a popular one. Samuel L. Jackson using %$&#! in PULP FICTION was changed to Babe.
DRILL! DRILL! DRILL!
One of the biggest arguments opponents to Off Shore Drilling use is it will ruin the view and tourism in Florida and California. That is easy to solve. Hire someone like Disney to make the oil platforms look like Pirate Ships, Sea Monsters or even Bali Hai. You will get more oil and enhance the tourist's vacation experience.
One reason they used to sell the bailout bill- Businesses won't be able to borrow money to make payroll. If you borrow to make payroll, you have a bad business.
I Want Change. I want a brand new Congress.
LAUGHING ON THE WAY TO THE BANK
There is a new satirical movie called AN AMERICAN CAROL that skewers Michael Moore.
I wonder if Michael Moore is really that strident in his beliefs or does he just know what leftists will lap up and gives it to them? Is he just a Commie Capitalist? He appears to keep all the money he makes. He has a multi-million dollar apartment in New York City and an expensive retreat on the Upper Peninsula in Michigan. He buys stock in the leftist whipping boy- Halliburton. Does he just want to be able to go to stock holder's meetings or is it a lucrative investment?
He got his leftist credibility by first starting a radical rag in his hometown Flint, Michigan. He moved up to the editor of the socialist MOTHER JONES magazine where he was quickly run off. He worked for Ralph Nader's group and they don't talk to him any longer.
Michael Moore manipulates scenes and images in his movies to fit his theme. He irritates conservatives and loves to poke them in the eye. But, I wonder if the joke is really on his customers.
ARE YOU EXPERIENCED?
The 21st President of the United States, Chester A. Arthur's political office experience before being elected to vice-president was as Collector of the Port of New York.
DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB
UNTIL YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE
At one time, the horse and buggy, the railroad, and IBM mainframe computers were the be all and end all and automobiles, airplanes and personal computers were only in the hands of tinkering crackpots.
Right now, oil, coal and nuclear is the be all. Everything else is still in crackpotland. One day, some of the crackpots will make them obsolete. No one knows which ones until the free market decides. It will happen, but we can't put all our eggs in the kook basket. We need to adjust to what we have that works.
The free market is the best way to decide what is most worthwhile because everyone gets a vote with their money. It is not opinion when you have to put your money where your mouth is.
I'm not dead, yet. I'm getting better
Kim Jon-Il, North Korean madman
CAN SARAH PALIN LEAD?
That is the question being harped by the chorus of nattering nabobs. She must be pretty smart. Her amazing meteoric rise from PTA mom to governor of Alaska required her to outwit a bunch of entrenched crafty old bastards by getting the citizens behind her.
How many parents of teenagers are not nearly bald from pulling their hair out?
OBAMA IN THE DOG HOUSE
Most people only half listen and hear what they want to hear. How many husbands meant one thing probably trying to be funny but their wives heard it a different way, get offended and the poor shlub gets frozen out, gets to sleep on the couch or outside with the dogs?
Obama may have either been too clever or misspoke when he used the old saying "putting lipstick on a pig" so soon after Sarah Palin used a lipstick analogy. It doesn't matter. Women heard what they heard. Get the flea powder out.
BEWARE of people with a new way of doing things. There may be a reason why people in the past learned not to do it that way.
I'M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
We all like to think that we have made a good decision or what we believe is absolutely right.
What we sometimes do is to cherry pick information that supports our decision or belief, ignoring anything that suggests we might be wrong.
I was reading Rabbi Daniel Lapin's newsletter. I am not Jewish, but I read it because he has very wise things to say. Rabbi Lapin gives an example:
"Before buying a new car, most people scrutinize all car ads, seeking out lots of available information on the wide range of choices. But after they have made their purchase they only read advertisements about the brand of car they have bought. The last thing the new owner wants to find out is that he might have bought a better car at a lower price. Once the decision has been made, we tend to avoid information that suggests we might have made a mistake.
We protect our self esteem by welcoming information that supports our actions and avoiding that which makes us uncomfortable. That is why smokers rarely read medical articles about the health risks of smoking."
SHUT UP AND SING
I was watching an interview with famous A & R man John Koladner. An A & R man works for record companies finding new talent, acts as the middle man with the artists and listens to their albums to spot the hit singles. He has been one of the record industries most successful A & R men helping artists like Aerosmith, Journey, Bon Jovi, Madonna, Cher, Madonna.
Koladner said that most music artists are selfish and only care about themselves. He said thay hate A & R men because they are the only people in their life who will criticize them and tell them no.
CLEAN THIS MESS UP. I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER
The conventions are over. Most decisions were made not on the floor but in the back rooms.
In the past, they would have been made in smoke filled rooms. Things are now decided in a legally mandated smoke-free room.
Maybe, the term for the shenanigan laden decision site can be updated to Starbuck's cup filled room or Big Gulp cup filled room. The room must be filled with something.
MY LATEST MOVIE PLOT IDEA
A President of the United States mysteriously dies.
His vice-president was his bitter rival in the primaries who he reluctantly chose as a running mate. He was the only thing standing between her and her life long obsessive dream.
She dies suddenly. The Speaker of the House becomes the president. A woman that pictures herself as the Queen Bee.
The family of a dictator's food taster are suing because he wasn't properly informed that he might be poisoned.
GONE WITH THE WIND
The latest craze for nutty politicians is windmills. New York City's mayor Bloomberg is talking about putting wind mills on the top of the skyscrapers and bridges. This idea will be DOA after all the complaints of wind mills ruining million dollar views by green hypocrites.
Government meddlers can't seem to get their stuff together for the Freedom Towers to be built to replace the World Trade Center. Perhaps, they should put up 1776 foot tall pinwheels instead.
When the fad dies out, in fifty years will the United States be the home of miles and miles of dilapidated abandoned rusty wind farms?
UPDATE: The windmills on bridges and skyscraper idea lasted only one day. Time for another idea. They could round up the 8 million rats in New York City and put them to work on squirrel cages (hamster wheels) making electricity.
RENEWABLE SUSTAINABLE ENERGY AND WHATEVER BUZZ WORDS
Wind Power and Solar Power is all the current rage for alternative energy. I have another. Put generators on stationary exercise bikes to create electricity. You will not only get exercise but will be doing your part to save the planet. Like the wind not blowing and the sun not shining it has a draw back. We could have brown outs and black outs if not enough people felt like it that day.
If Al Gore gets caught smoking up the place with his Bar-b-q pit he will just tell us it is O.K., he offset it with the bogus carbon credits he bought (from himself).
TWO AMERICAS?
John Edwards was right. There are two Americas. One that cheats on their spouse and one that doesn't. Recent revelations that he was cheating on his terminally ill wife while running for president, shows he must have some brass ones. He wants us to believe it was a mistake. If you do it once it may be a mistake. An ongoing thing where you put the woman on your payroll is called something different.
We can expect professional spin doctors to soon be trotted out to talk us out of our common decency: "He may be a man of the people, but he is still a man." He couldn't stop himself from lying. He was a lawyer.
I AM SPARTACUS
John Edwards claim the love child is not his and the claim by his patsy Andrew Young that the baby is his are not flying. Edwards says he will take a DNA test, but gets cover from the baby mama who won't allow it. Young's mother wants a DNA test.
Edwards may have to enlist a new army of men to claim the baby is theirs. "I am Love Lips." "No, I am Love Lips."
WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN
It is a good thing John Edwards wasn't and will not be president. We now know that if there was a crisis he would be hiding in the bathroom.
IT'S JUST SEX
The talking heads trotted out to talk us out of good sense claim that political sex scandals are no big deal. Everyone cheats and everyone lies about sex. If this is true, every candidate should be required to introduce their girlfriend, mistress, goomah, or homosexual lover to the public so there is no surprise.
A $400 Haircut on a 10 cent head.
CANDIDATE OF CHANGE (HIGH TAXES) AND WISHFUL THINKING
Obama wants to argue that we don't have to drill for more oil. Instead we can keep our tires aired up. An individual can use less gas by keeping his tires properly inflated, but that is no policy. You can get few people to do things voluntarily. This can open up a whole new can of unintended consequences.
The government would have to enforce properly inflated tires. The police could have road blocks and Air Traps to check tire pressure. Local governments would get another cash cow writing easy tickets while speeders and desperados whiz by. The Air Police could go down the street checking tires and knocking on doors. The government could outlaw gas stations charging for air. More likely, they would confiscate the money as Air Tax? The government could mandate every gas station employ a Tire Checking flunky. Would they make illegal aliens keep their tires inflated? They can't seem to make them do anything else. Who else besides government officials would be exempt? Like a safety inspection sticker, they could require air inspection stickers. How often? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Monthly? Bi-Monthly?
A policy of wishful thinking, besides proper tire inflation, too some would include hand holding, chanting, drum beating or getting naked. Too many people believe symbolism solves problems.
Slapping "earth friendly" or "green" on the packaging of a product has replaced "new and improved" or "fat-free" as the way to sucker you into buying it.
DON'T MISS OUT. OUR PRICES ARE INSANE!!?
It is once again time for the state government's idea for buying votes.
Every August, many states have a SALES TAX FREE DAY for school supplies instead of lowering sales tax rates. People jam the stores and load up. They get interviewed for television while standing in the check out line. If the stores ran an ad announcing everything 8% off today, nobody would bother.
OBAMA MIGHT NEED DIRECTIONS TO THE SENATE REST ROOM
Barack Obama made another gaffe when he claimed credit for a bill that went through the Senate Banking committee he said he was on. The trouble is he isn't on that committee. He can't be faulted. He has spent so little time working in the Senate since being elected Senator, he probably has no idea which committees he is on.
All cult leaders and dictators come to power by promising: Follow me and I will take care of you.
NYAH NYAH YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME
Senator Chuck Schumer irresponsibly shot off his mouth and helped cause a run on the bank in California costing depositors billions of dollars. He can't be sued. No one in Congress can be sued. You can do the equivalent of yelling fire in a crowded theater. You can slander and libel anyone you want. Let me get this straight. Libel is when you write it, slander is when you say it.
When you are in Congress you can get away with all kinds of chicanery and depravity. A few years back, they stopped allowing them to write bad checks and launder money at the Capitol Hill post office after the public found out. You can sexually harass pages and interns. Pages can run a prostitution ring from your apartment. You can make a waitress sandwich.
How bad do you have to be to get kicked out? No wonder we can't get anybody to leave.
After watching C-SPAN, I wonder who in the world elected these people. Some don't seem to be able to walk and chew gum.
LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
Jesse Jackson recently exposed how he really thinks and how he really is when an open microphone caught him saying he was going to cut Barack Obama's "nuts" off.
This reminded me of the Uncle Don story. Uncle Don had a wildly popular children's story radio program in New York City from the late 1920s to the 1940s. He made a slip that he denied ever happened until his dying day. There is no recording of it and there is a 75 year old controversy over whether it ever happened. Most people only remember his name because of it.
After Uncle Don said his Goodbyes at the end of his program, the engineer forgot to shut off his microphone. He reportedly said "There, that ought to hold the little bastards."
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL
July 11th was the 204th anniversary of the duel between the Vice-President of the United States Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton. Burr delivered a mortal shot and Hamilton died the next day. The duel was held in New Jersey because New York had passed the death penalty for dueling. After the duel, Burr fled to his daughter's home in North Carolina. He was charged but never tried and eventually headed back to finish out his term as vice president.
Congressmen never want to leave office and term limits never makes it into law. Perhaps, dueling should be brought back to solve the problem.
WRISTWATCH MAKERS ARE THE NEW BUGGY WHIP FACTORY
Wristwatch makers are facing doom. Studies show that young punks no longer look to their wrists for the time. They check one of their electronic devices.
I demand the
government step in to protect the wrist watch industry. They should regulate all electronic clocks on portable devices and require them to run fast or slow.
Tom Bodette is on Al Gore's hit list for
leaving the lights on at Motel 6.
EXPERT PREDICTS $1000 BARREL OIL
An expert predicts $1000 per barrel oil by the year 3000. I am the expert. I decided to become an expert because experts appear on television and are quoted in the media all the time and no one checks out their credentials.
Most people never read past the headline and believe it as gospel.
I have followed the basic rules for perfect expertdom. I made a claim that will shake everyone up and I placed it so far in the future everyone will be too dead to see if it comes true.
ON TODAY'S FLIGHT WE'LL BE SERVING A SNACK OF GOVERNMENT CHEESE
There are kooks that like to be on television that don't know much about
economics or business. This morning they thought that the government should take over the airlines.
We could have an experiment. Let the government take over whatever airline goes broke. They could call it Post Office Air. Let's see which airline people will prefer riding on.
Human behavior is like water. No matter how you try to control them, both will always find the leaks. People do what is in their immediate best interests.
SPREAD EM AND SMILE
Barack Obama has been doing a lot of whining, lately, about being treated unfairly.
He and the people around him are saying that you are not supposed to question the people he has associated with, what church he goes to, study his accomplishments, probe his past, examine his childhood or ask what he really thinks about anything. He was given an unexamined free ride through most of the primary season. Now, it appears that he is only friends with radicals. He promises a nebulous change which is leaking out to sound like communism. Judging by the statements of Mrs. Obama, and the preachers at his former church and the way the congregation cheers them on, I hope his CHANGE doesn't include getting rid of the white folks.
Everyone that runs for president gets a Free Anal Exam. Actually, they get a 100 million dollar one. That is why the only people that run have the quality of a lot a gall. And, the new criteria seems to be having as much shame as the women that ruined her marriage to win money on the TV show MOMENT OF TRUTH and wound up with zero.
IT'S TIME TO HIDE THE PRESERVES
An old relative from the South once told me he knew he had overstayed his welcome as a house guest when they took the preserves off the table.
The debates and primaries started so soon we are sick of the candidates. If they weren't goofing up we would be bored stiff. They are like someone you were once goo goo eyed over that is now the boyfriend sitting like a lump on your couch belching or the girlfriend with her issues bubbling to the surface.
Any damn fool can believe and propose anything. It is up to sensible people not to go along with it.
A REASON FOR THE WAR IN IRAQ
Nobody has said it, but it is the same as the theory of
how to keep from getting beaten up or raped in prison. On the first day, you find the biggest meanest nastiest ugliest inmate, go up to him and bust him in the nose or hit him over the head with a chair. Everyone gets the message you are not to be messed with.
Saddam Hussein and his even worse sadistic sons were the biggest maniacs with dangerous intentions. Saddam had already ignored ultimatums numbering in the teens from the spineless wimps of the UN. As any weak parent knows, if you aren't willing to back up your threatened discipline, you are going to get your rear end kicked (physically or emotionally).
When you stand up to the biggest, the other evil doers take notice and the cost for any actions they may be considering goes up.
The trouble is we gave the Iraqis their country back on a silver platter and they were so beaten down they weren't willing to take it and defend it. At least, the Kurds were ready to take care of themselves.
Thank you to all that have been willing to fight for our Freedom to live, think and go wherever and whatever we want.
WHY ME LORD. SEE YOU IN COURT.
The Blame Game is in full swing.
Everybody is suing everybody else for whatever frivolous reason. They say if there is only one lawyer in town he will starve to death. If there are two, they will both live in mansions on the hill. It is a good thing they limit law school enrollment.
Congress just passed a bill to sue OPEC for charging too much for oil.
I am waiting for someone to sue GOD for destruction caused by a natural disaster. I have a defense. A hurricane, or earthquake or flood (with you living on the river bank) was going to come through wherever it came through whether you were there are not. It is up to you to not be there.
Congress is where bloated blowhards congregate to do things to impress the ignorant and enrich their friends.
IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!
There are far too many people that believe in Government Conspiracies or believe government can solve all the ills in their life.
The older I get the more I have come to realize that government can barely wave Bye-Bye or tie its own shoes.
Politicians know they can't fix anything, but they have to appear to try, so they throw big wads of cash ostensibly at the problem to the waiting circling sharks ready to gobble it up. Then, they go on to the next complaint and appear to care about it. That is the only government conspiracy.
Conspiracies are good for selling books, too.
IT'S A GOOD THING HE DIDN'T SAY, "HOLD ON, TOOTS"
Obama has being saying a lot of naive and stupid things lately including- there are 57 states plus Alaska and Hawaii. This is just sloughed off by the news media. But, he really stepped in it when he told a female news reporter "Just a minute, SWEETIE." He has offended those that are looking to be offended. It won't be forgotten.
And, comedians looking for an easy laugh pegged President Bush as being stupid?
EDDIE DOESN'T EAT SQUIRREL ANYMORE SINCE HE FOUND OUT THEY WERE HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL
Squirrel is becoming the meat of choice for the strident global warming gang. They claim squirrels have a very small carbon footprint compared to cows. Cow flatulence is a major part of raising carbon dioxide levels and there is a lot of transportation involved in getting their meat to market.
Other recent squirrel eating news:
Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said in an interview that when he was in college they fried squirrels in the only cooking device allowed in their dorm room- a popcorn popper.
Some wags thought he admitted it to get in good with hillbilly voters in the South Carolina primary. He may be going after the New Jersey vote judging by this news report from last year:
A warning has gone out for New Jersey squirrel hunters-DON'T EAT SQUIRREL MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK. The New Jersey squirrels have been exposed to toxic sludge so caution is advised.
We aren't addicted to oil. We are addicted to moving.
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT?
Bill Clinton has always been like a small town braggart- taking credit for anything good that happens even if he had nothing to do with it and denying anything that is bad. He gloms on to any little thing he can use to pump himself up.
Bill Clinton has been walking around for 10 years proudly accepting being called "The First Black President" like it was a badge of honor
as if he actually did great things for black people. Author Toni Morrison who is credited with dubbing him that says it is misunderstood. In an article, she says she was merely referring to the sex-scandal. He was like any black man walking down the street. "Already guilty and already a perp."
AND THEY GET FREE ICE CREAM, TOO!
Raul Castro just announced that it is now legal in Cuba to buy a desktop computer, cell phone and stay in the fancy international hotels. Not that anyone can afford any of these things.
Two years ago in May, Fidel Castro in a move that would delight Teddy Kennedy raised the minimum wage in Cuba from $5 to $11. That's a month.
He left out government workers and other professionals for pay raises. Fidel remedied that. Doctors got a $7.40 increase and those with a master's degree got a $1.50 to $4 raise. A month.
Housing, education and other basics in Cuba are free and everything else is subsidized. Basically paychecks are equivalent to Daddy giving you an allowance.
But, this opens the door of basic free enterprise. Somebody saves his money and buys a tool that is needed, but no one can afford, or a group chips in to buy it. Then, they break up the usage into smaller chunks and charge for it. People can pay for the amount of time they can afford. Everyone is better off.
Don't tell Raul.
WHO NEEDS WATERBOARDING?
I was watching Hillary's interview by Bill O'Reilly and she was still against Waterboarding to pry information out of terrorists. She says because it is cruel.
Hillary doesn't need to waterboard anyone. Just put a terrorist in a room with her for a while and they will turn into a quivering mess of jelly willing to tell you everything they know.
Almost all scientists agree there is global warming because if you don't agree you get canned.
HAPPY COMMIE DAY
May Day. The day when some young punks think it is cool to pull out their Hammer and Sickle, Mao, Marx or Lenin t-shirts. Some tiny motley groups staged motley parades marching on downtown sidewalks carrying handwritten poster board signs and banging on a drum. The commie contingents are usually led by a deluded disillusioned whiskered old college professor who returns to his cluttered office after their pitiful spectacles, clutches a glass, sits in his creaky chair and shakes his head ruefully.
Far too many people want to bully other people from expressing their opinion and it is always worse during election season. This is the United States of America where:
Everyone is free to believe anything they want. Everyone is free not to agree with them.
WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT?
The President of the United States has two jobs. The president is THE DECIDER and the president is THE EXPLAINER. You can't really know for sure what kind of DECIDER the president is going to be until they have to decide something. A study of their lifetime character maybe all you have. The 3 AM question has become a big joke but it is probably the best test for making a decision on who to vote for. You should vote for who you most trust to decide.
LET THE FRENCH DECIDE
Expecting the government to solve a problem is like spending your life searching for a unicorn. Government doesn't solve problems, they generally create more by helping one group by screwing another.
The Democrat primaries have become a mess and a microcosm of government mismanagement. Politicians, especially Democrats, can't seem to make straightforward rules about anything.
First, they rushed primary season, they told Florida and Michigan their primaries wouldn't count because they held them before they said they could. Only Hillary ran. They devised the Super Delegates-a group of "elite geniuses" that know better than the voting rabble what is best. If the Super Delegates give Hillary the nod instead of Obama, who by all fair standards will have won, they will alienate hard core Obama supporters who will justifiably feel ripped off.
The Democrats have gotten into a pickle. How can they fix this?
They can make the decision based on how they always make decisions. Democrats are always worried about what the French think about us. Let the French decide. But wait. That leaves out other groups that they shove to the front to make their decisions. What they want goes anyway. Let them decide.
Here is the plan. Form a committee of French people, welfare recipients, illegal aliens and Gitmo detainees. Whatever they say goes. Voila, the Democrats will have their candidate.
MR BAD IDEAS' EARTH DAY EARTH SAVING TIP
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
I'M SAVING THE PLANET I WEAR A GREEN COLORED SHIRT EVERYDAY
It may make you feel good but too many people confuse symbolism with accomplishing something. A baseball team wore green hats for one game and passed out 10,000 green caps. Last year, they turned out the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a few hours. How is this going to solve a problem. If you are promoting saving the planet that's almost as good, right?.
Some people give themselves a job title- ACTIVIST. How do they qualify?
Getting Naked.
They Get Naked for Peace or Ending World Hunger or Stopping Hurricanes or Stopping Nudity, etc.
They are just looking for an excuse to drop their drawers in public. Most really shouldn't.
WHAT A STIFF
Howard Dean, the head of Democrat National Committee and former presidential candidate, is ranting about how the Super Delegates must have their minds made up by the first part of June on who they are voting for at the convention. I almost forgot he was still around. He pops up to say something every once in a while to again prove how clueless he is.
Apparently sex euphemism was over his head several years ago.
In an interview, he was asked if Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers' papers from working as President Bush's counsel should be released instead of presidential privilege being invoked.
He said: "Yes, I don't think they want to go around playing HIDE THE SALAMI."
This reminds me of a story about President Richard Nixon. He was trying to be "one of the boys" and asked a young single guy staffer: "Well, did you fornicate, last night?"
TWO DOLLAR WORD FROM A THREE DOLLAR BOOK
Euphemism started in ancient Greece. The people believed the gods listened to all human conversation and offensive or boastful words had to be made politically correct so not to offend the god. The meaner and nastier the god, the nicer the word had to be. An example of an euphemism:
Politicians don’t lie. They misspeak.
Will Hillary be ready for 3 AM emergency calls because she is up anyway cleaning her guns, knocking one back and waiting for Bill to try to sneak in?
IT'S THE CLINTON HOUR
4 pm on Friday afternoon should be dubbed THE CLINTON HOUR. Staying true to the Clinton's modus operandi of dumping papers containing their bad news at that hour, they did it again with their income tax results.
4 PM Friday is the beginning of the weekend and the time when the least number of people will notice while it is rehashed over and over on the news. It is too late to get in Letterman, Leno and Conan's monologue until Monday (or do they check to see if they have the week off). By Monday morning, the news cycle is over, the news media is tired of it and ready to be hot and bothered about something new. The Clintons could dump bad news at a better time- 3 AM Sunday morning, but that would be too obvious.
Hillary Clinton wants to raise taxes on the rich. She believes they did nothing to earn it and just got lucky. If she is talking about herself and Bill, she's right. The Clinton's got rich peddling influence, books nobody reads but sales driven by peer pressure, and speeches that don't inspire or teach anyone anything. Most people get rich by blood, sweat and tears and providing something that benefits and is useful to millions of people.
WE'RE UP S*CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE IN A WIRE CANOE
The motivations that lead to getting pregnant have as little to do with knowing how to be a good parent as the process of running for president has to do with knowing how to run a country.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
Wacked out
Extreme environmentalist kooks daydream of saving the world by getting rid of all these pesky people. They dream about people suddenly disappearing and everything they have built rusting, disintegrating and going to seed. The world will be a garden.
No one would be here to notice. Would a tree falling in a forest make a sound? The only thing that would miss us are dogs because we feed them. I am sure that like all grandiose dreams the dreamer has decided they are the only one exempt.
If Al Gore is so worried about the extinction of the human race, why does he look so happy?
IT'S A NEW WORLD FOR PECOS BILL AND TALL TALE HILL
The Clintons have a long history of telling whoppers. They remember things or insert themselves into events that either never happened or they were not a part of. In the old days, they could get away with it. Many of their stories sounded fishy but it was too hard to find out if it was true. And, Bill and Hillary had the advantage that if anyone bothered by the time they got the goods the tall tale was already forgotten by the masses, so no one cared. With the internet and You Tube, everyone has the resources to immediately check out their stories. And they do.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill can no longer claim to have never said it if they ever happened to get caught.
Pecos Bill and Tall Tale Hill have their new standby- "I misspoke", and their spin doctors have devised new strategies to talk you out of your common sense.
Pecos Bill recently claimed the he changed oil in cars when he was five years old.
POLITICIANS and the MAGIC WORDS
Senator caught toe tapping for sex in an airport bathroom. The governor of New Jersey resigns after admitting to being gay. Now, his assistant claims he had every Friday night threesomes with the governor and the governor's wife. New York governor resigns after admitting to years whoring with high priced prostitutes. They swear in a new governor and he immediately admits to running around on his wife. Politicians are freaks! We are governed by freaks!
Last year, Oprah had a show with swingers (once called wife swappers) as guests. They said the MAGIC WORDS. Every weirdo who is interviewed on television always says the magic words to rationalize their perversion- they know doctors and lawyers that also do what they do. They should add governors and congressmen.
It makes me wonder what my doctor has been up to when I go for a checkup.
What about the role of government? Well, in the abstract, coming from my time and background, I thought it was a rather good thing, but tallying up the ledger in those things which affect me and in those things I observe, I am hard-pressed to see an instance where the intervention of the government led to much beyond sorrow.
--David Mamet in the Village Voice
Political pundits on television hype the primaries more than Brent Musberger broadcasting a college Bowl game and are about as accurate as your local TV weatherman.
BUNDLE UP AL
More snow has fallen in North America this winter than in over 40 years. Several large cities had had over 100 inches of snow. The earth has cooled between .55 and .65 degrees in the past twelve months wiping out the earth warming over the last 100 years. The probable cause: activity of the sun. That's inconvenient.
Will Al Gore's AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH become the modern day REEFER MADNESS- a movie meant to issue a dire warning that is now a cult film that causes people to hoot and holler?
THANKS ETHANOL
To make ethanol they are using up more and more of the corn supply. This is causing the price of life's basics to skyrocket. The latest victim is a steak shortage at steak houses. Some are substituting Buffalo. Thanks Ethanol. Before steaks it was popcorn. The price paid to farmers jumped from 9 cents to 13 cents a pound. Movie theaters will be forced to raise their price to keep their 1000% profit margin. Thanks Ethanol. I saw a gallon of milk over $5 because they feed cows corn. Thanks Ethanol. The price of corn tortillas a staple source of protein for the poor in Mexico has doubled or tripled. Thanks Ethanol. Look what it has done to the cost of Moonshine. Thanks Ethanol.
MORE THANKS ETHANOL
Durum Wheat is being used to make ethanol. Durum Wheat is what they use to make pasta. So, the supply is being squeezed. They say pasta is Italy's national dish and the average Italian eats 62 pounds every year. The price of pasta in Italy is zooming up. Thanks Ethanol.
Everyone running for Congress for the first time wants and promises change. Every old SOB that has been in Congress for 30, 40, 50 years just wants to keep coming back and they let all the newly elected know real quick that they are
pip-squeaks that won't be changing anything.
Young voters are flocking to the primaries like never before. Could it be: Barack Obama is like the cool teacher at school; Hillary Clinton is like your mother's strident friend who was always at the women's group meetings in your living room?
HEALTH CARE NAZIS
In the news, government officials planning to force people to take care of themselves.
Hillary Clinton says that if she is president she may garnish wages to force workers to buy health insurance.
Some Mississippi legislators want to make it against the law for restaurants to serve obese customers. This would lead to black market to go orders.
Another group of killjoys think the Girl Scouts should not push their cookies on people because they are unhealthful. They don't even think it is all right to eat them in moderation instead of sitting there and eating a whole box.
THEY SHOULD'VE GOT 'EM LIQUORED UP
Have you ever wondered why it now costs over $100 million to run for president? Hillary Clinton's campaign spent $95,000 in Iowa to load up Caucus goers on cheap deli meat.
Politicians promise a vote for them is a vote for change. They promise to make you better off with policies that will make you worse off. Depending on the government to solve your problems is like being on the look out for a unicorn.
I'M NOT DEAD YET. I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL HAPPY. I QUIT.
--Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro has been saying he was not dead here at MBI for the past two years. Now, he is resigning as El Presidente. He may stop claiming to not be dead any day now.
PRESIDENT'S DAY SALE QUIZ #2
Who was president but was not elected president and ran for president twice after he was president and was not elected.
ANSWER--I won't tell you.
Hillary Clinton has been cheated on more than a blind woman playing Scrabble with gypsies. ---Dennis Miller
MAD MAN THREATENS TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS FACE
Venezuelan Mad Man Hugo Chavez is once again threatening to cut off oil exports to the United States. He gleefully warns the price will shoot up to $200 a barrel. The United States imports 1/9th of it's oil from Venezuela. The problem for Venezuelan Mad Man Chavez is he exports almost all his oil to the United States. We have the only refineries set up to refine his Venezuelan heavy crude that has the consistency of tar. He won't have anywhere else to immediately send his oil and his main source of income will disappear.
If they really put people in prison for lying to Congress, the place would be empty.
RUNNY NOSE CRISIS
Things can't just happen anymore. The news turns everything into a crisis. Democrat politicians always claim that it is the worst economy in a million years and everything that anyone can worry about is a crisis when they are trying to get back into office.
Too many people have taken their flu shots and cases of flu and colds are down 9%. This is causing a crisis in self health care. Kleenex sales are down 5%. Cold/allergy/sinus medications are also down 5%. Cough syrup down 16% and sore throat remedies are down 13%. Only chest rubs are up- 21% because of warnings against children's products.
Do your part to solve this crisis. Go outside without your coat or shoes. Even better go out in the cold with your hair wet. Don't cover your mouth or nose when you cough or sneeze.
MAKING FUEL FROM FORREST GUMP'S SOCKS
Upon arriving in Viet Nam, Lt. Dan told Forrest Gump and Bubba the most important thing they needed to know was to constantly change their socks. Why? The fungus that causes "jungle rot" eats up socks, tents and anything cellulose.
You can make ethanol mixing the "jungle rot" fungus with agricultural waste- wood chips, stalks, etc. A start up company based in Illinois claims they can produce Ethanol made from wood chips for $1 a gallon. They are partnering with General Motors and are building processing plants that will be ready in 2-3 years.
This may save corn tortillas from becoming a luxury item.
I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE
Some unnamed prominent politicians who may be running for president seem to operate on the fundraising principle of take the money and ask questions later. If anyone complains, give the money back and apologize.
Allen Raymond, a campaign operative who got snagged and was sent up the river, decided to spill the beans on dirty dealings in campaigns to help sell his book HOW TO RIG AN ELECTION. He takes it a step further. He says if a shady character wants to give you money- take it as long as they agree to also give a small contribution to your opponent. If your opponent tries to expose you for taking illegal funds you can say "hey, you took money from him, too."
FREE ENTERPRISE IS GREAT! SOCIALISM STINKS!
It is against the law in France for a store to sell a book at more than a 5% discount. Amazon is being fined by the French for offering FREE SHIPPING. They protect a few from evil price cutting doers by hindering the free market and making the customers (everyone else) suffer. Our politicians that spend too much time worrying about what the French think of us are the same ones that have it in for WAL-MART. Isn't government meddling great?
Socialism is easy to sell because of human nature. Socialism absolutely doesn't work because of human nature.
MITT ROMNEY MIGHT BE A REDNECK
If you go on vacation with your five children and you put your dog in a kennel with its own windshield strapped to the roof of your car and that dog has diarrhea and makes a mess all over the rear window so you can't see and you stop and hose it off then get back in your a car a keep driving down the road, YOU MIGHT BE A .....
WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR
January 15th was the day that 90% of the New Year's Resolutions have been given up on. There will be no wait for the exercise machines at the gym after that date.
LIKE IT OR LUMP IT
The current buzzword from politicians is CHANGE.
Nancy Pelosi has finally gotten to show her vision for Changing America. She has created her own little microcosm of government meddling by decree. It is the new House of Representative cafeterias- a part of her "Greening of the Capitol" plan. Some call it "feel good crap".
They serve politically correct food nobody really wants at prices higher than they want to pay. Food that Nancy and her minions have deemed good for you purchased from the correct sort of suppliers. The decor is a shrine to the "renewable earth" with plenty of sloganeering to ram down your throat. You must recycle in the sorting bins complete with detailed instructions. They now have biodegradable flatware, but you have to use a teaspoon to slurp your soup because the ecofriendly supplier doesn't make soup spoons.
The spokesman for the chief administrative officer that oversees the cafeteria (he needs a spokesman?) responded to complaints in typical way of anything run by bureaucrats-
"customers would have to change their behavior to accommodate the environmentally friendly products."
His response to complaints about the ecofriendly straws that melt in hot liquid: "Sip your coffee like a normal human being, we're trying to save the planet here."�
We're trying to get accolades from people that don't eat here, who cares what the customers think.
FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH
Word experts recently made a Top 10 list of overused expressions. Included on the list was "is the new". For example: 70 IS THE NEW 50 or GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK. One wag chimed in FALLACY IS THE NEW TRUTH. Many people believe things are true that aren't so and common knowledge has become common ignorance. People believe the damndest things and the more outrageous the more likely they are to believe it- just look at Rosie O'Donnell.
AVOID THE CLAP
Chelsea Clinton recently refused an interview to a SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE reporter because she "doesn't answer questions from reporters even if they are 9 and cute". This reminded me of all the little kids that have been crushed and warped for life after getting to meet their sports super hero and treated by them in a rude and surly way.
Tom Hanks' character in LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN summarized the carelessness of treating young fans. His character was a washed up Baseball home run king reduced to being the cynical drunken manager of a women's professional baseball team. Two ten year old boys recognize him on the street and ask for an autograph. He signs his name and adds "avoid the clap". As they walk off with a puzzled look, he calls out "that's good advice."
HAS ANYONE ASKED HILLARY IF SHE EVER USED DRUGS?
Hillary 1969
I HATE WAL-MART
Liberal politicians hate WAL-MART. Some are in cities that put the kibosh on WAL-MART coming to their town. They would love WAL-MART if it was owned by the government. The problem is it would be run by the government. Many of the shelves would be empty and others would be full of stuff nobody wants to buy.
That rotten WAL-MART strives to have the most efficient distribution system in the world. Liberal politicians rail about all of the mom and pop stores that charge high prices, pay minimum wage with no benefits that WAL-MART supposedly puts out of business.
I hate Wal-Mart, too. Everytime I go in to a Wal-Mart to buy something specific, they place bargains in the aisle. "That's a good price. I need that." I always end up with a basketful of stuff that I needed, but when I walked into the store I didn't remember I needed. Damn you Wal-Mart!
THE PERFECT COVER STORY
Hillary Clinton recently got in trouble for stiffing her waitress at a Iowa diner. During further investigation it was shown the $157 bill was paid by a staff member with a credit card. There was no tip charged to the credit card. Their answer was they left a $100 bill for the tip. If they really left a $100 bill somebody pocketed it and didn't share with the other waitresses. If a waitress pocketed the mystery money she would be a national embarrassment to admit it. The other waitresses will be forever suspicious of their coworkers even if no one is guilty. Nobody will ever be able to prove anything. The perfect CYA? They were really extremely generous and somebody in that restaurant must be selfish and dishonest.
The only thing better would be to payoff one of them to admit keeping the tip and that she always votes Republican.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' --- Ronald Reagan
MR BAD IDEAS GOES GREEN
Get rid of all the light bulbs in your house. Sit in the dark. Go to bed at sundown. Wake up at dawn. Turn off your television when Al Gore comes on.
Hillary 1969